An Early Preview of 2005 (Part II of III)

So here is Part II of my 3-part series reviewing 2004 and previewing 2005.

I will tell you what will happen in 2005.

I will be right.

I guarantee it.So, what will happen in 2005?

No, seriously. This ain’t Part I.

Part I was all a joke. You know that. You know that (on the most part) I did not predict the things I claimed to pick. I’m not that psychic.

But I can predict a thing or two about the ways of sports.

And now I will tell you what will REALLY happen in 2005. I’ll tell you everything.

Here are my 22 guarantees for 2005 (listed backwards, from least sure to most sure): One for each expert I have criticized since I woke up.

Enjoy my early look into 2005.

#22
Baylor will not, and I repeat, will not, win the Big XII title in Men’s Basketball. I don’t care that they are just one year removed from a criminal offseason in which the former head coach should get time in prison. I don’t care that they are on probation and have no experience or close to their full allotment of scholarships. I don’t care about that. I just feel that they will not win the Big XII Title. I’ll go out on a limb and say that.

#21
Oklahoma State will three-peat as NCAA Wrestling Champs and all people will be talking about was that flagrant foul in the NIT 3rd place game. Does anyone actually care about the day-in-day-out struggle these men put in for the day when they can beat their opponents?

As Dan Gable said, “When I’d get tired and want to stop, I’d wonder what my next opponent was doing. I’d wonder if he were still working out. I’d try to visualize him. When I could see him still working, I’d start pushing myself. When I could see that he had quit and hit the shower, I’d push myself even harder.”

When these NIT players reach the NBA, they’d be saying “When I get tired and want to stop, I’d wonder why the hell I’m still in the swimming pool and not lying down yet. I’d try to visualize my opponent in that last game when he fouled me and nothing was called, hurting my stats and my chances to feed my family. If I visualized him fouling me again, I’d get out of the pool and dry off. When I could see him getting a drink of water, I’d lie down and play Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.”

#20
Some fan will run out onto a field in a soccer game in Uruguay in protest of a call in his country’s 8-0 loss to Brazil (FYI: Spell Check says there are “Too Many Phrases” in this sentence). In other soccer news the U.S. will qualify for the World Cup, pleasing its 6 fans (all in California, interestingly enough).

#19
The U.S. government will pass an amendment stating “All Cy Young-winning pitchers, Hall of Fame Quarterbacks, NHL Vezina Trophy winning goalies, and Governors of California not born within the United States of America but qualify in all other enumerations necessary for the Presidency can be candidates for President and/or Vice President and occupy the Title of President and/or Vice President if the electors of the respective states elect him/her with the necessary majority.” George W. Bush will be baffled at the word “enumerations” and “majority” but will smile when the Amendment is passed with a clause stating “The State of Texas can execute a criminal of another state if he/she is either a Democrat or an opponent of the Patriot Act.”

#18
The Super Bowl will be won by either the Steelers, Patriots, Eagles, Falcons, or any other team that qualifies for the playoffs.

#17
FOX will sign a deal to broadcast every locked-out postseason Hockey in 2005 to add to their Sports division. Even though these games will not be played, they can mock the games using NHL 2005, and nobody will actually realize it is a video game since nobody cares about the NHL. Plus, it spares the network from airing repeats of “Whose Your Brother’s Son’s Niece’s Pineapple Going to Stolen By.”

#16
The Los Angeles Lakers will struggle and Kobe will blame his struggles on the fact that he does not have a supporting cast. He criticizes the organization. He remains clueless that Shaq led them for all those years and Shaq helped them win the title. If anything, Rick Fox was the second most valuable player when they won those titles. Kobe was 3rd.

#15
The New Big East will be almost as pathetic as the Old New Big East (that of 2004) and not even in the same light year of the Old Big East (2003 and before), at least in football. 2 fans will commit suicide when they see that North Carolina State will only play Duke 1 time in the 2005-2006 season. He will be disappointed when he finds out that there really is a devil and he (she?) is blue.

#14
Someone will say to me, “You know, horse racing should go on all year round,” after they see the Belmont Stakes.

#13
My website will be ignored even though yet again I managed to find Top 10 teams like Boise State that nobody else did. Nobody will care when my Preseason #1 wins the title even though they were unranked in the 2005 preseason (I’m assuming that is where my 2005 #1 will be in 2005).

#12
There will not be a single NHL hockey game, or a married one.

#11
I will convince myself that 2005 is the year that I finally win my office football pool. I will fade midseason and be shocked when it happens. My feelings of invincibility will be blown again.

#10
My Preseason #1 team in college football will not be #1 at any point in the season or even close to it. This year (USC) was a rare coincidence in which I agreed with sanity for the #1 team. The previous 2 years I had Kansas State. I was kinda wrong.

#9
Joe Paterno will not retire despite another disappointing year, this one 4-7. Though he says he thinks he can still be competitive, he actually wants one more year to reach his 350th victory, a mark that would never be caught if it weren’t for the fact that it already has been caught and will be passed by others in the coming decades.

#8
I will (truthfully) write an article without any sarcasm or lies or dumb humor. And I will get constipated and not poop for eight months straight.

#6, just kidding! #7
The ACC will not be as wide open in Football and Basketball in 2005-2006 as it was/is this year. There will be a clear-cut best team in the early going. There will be no competition.

#6
My alma mater will not win the NCAA Lacrosse Championship. At least you now know that I did not go to Virginia, Johns Hopkins, Syracuse, or Princeton. Wait, did I include Johns Hopkins? They’ll collapse. Dave Petramala will be fired.

#5
Some guy I have not heard of will win 3 Heavyweight World Championship Belts in a fight against someone that I have never heard of after a fight I will not know about. That is all I know of boxing, and Ali was really good.

#4
NBC will devout 30 minutes each week in the Quest for American Gold or something like that anticipating a Winter Olympics which the U.S. will be lucky to finish in the Top 5 in come 2006. Just give us some trials and 17 days of coverage come that winter. I don’t care before then. Don’t make me stop for six seconds on your channel before I change it.

#3
Some formerly addictive channel will change its name and/or symbol to increase viewers and will fail miserably (i.e. Game Show Network to GSN). Hopefully it will be ESPN to MSACMN (Major Sports and Crappy Movies Network).

#2
Sportscenter will get even worse, even though it was thought mathematically impossible that that could happen. Notice how ESPN is among the most predictable things in Sports?

#1
I, despite claims to the contrary, will remain an a-hole even though I try not to be, and will brag about how accurate my ratings are, even though they mean nothing and I have no Heisman vote. This article is a start for the 2005 going. I also will complain that I gave 3 paragraphs to #24 and 1 to everything else.

Thanks for reading.

Good luck everyone.

And good luck Dick Ebersol.

Enjoy the second half of the games (or whatever is on when you are laughing at the stupidity of this article).