Making “stimulus package” sound less dirty

With the nation’s economy having shifted from “suck” to “blow”, many people have found themselves out of work, demoralized, and down on their luck. But don’t worry, citizens of the Bay Area. If you’re looking for a new career path, there are several prominent positions available with the local sports franchises. The following jobs are currently available and waiting for the right candidates:

Power Forward, Golden State Warriors

 

Job requirements:

– Must be able to work independently, as there will be no point guard support and your supervisor will hate you for being tall

– Position has been vacant since 1994 and is considered to be a low priority

– Be aware that position may not be filled until other matters are solved first (Lindbergh baby, chicken vs. egg, number of stars in sky)

– Employer reserves right to chain you to the end of the bench if you show any promise whatsoever

– All contract extensions are to be determined during drunken, blindfolded darts game. It is company policy to award (or not award) these extensions without regard to merit or performance. Be forewarned that no reason will be given to explain these decisions

– Organization has shown outstanding aptitude with regard to developing franchise players. However, should you choose to become such a player for this organization, employment will be terminated immediately

 

Compensation: $3 million in first year, $5 million in second year, third year to be determined by your future team

Cleanup Hitter, San Francisco Giants

 

Position will be drug tested hourly.

 

Job requirements:

– 15+ years experience

– Ability to play field competently is appreciated, but not mandatory

– Basepaths are likely to be empty for most of the season. We’re looking for someone with a love of the “open road”

 

Perks/benefits:

– Get to take BP off Barry Zito each day prior to games

– Due to ticket prices, you will avoid 99% of San Francisco’s dirty hippie population

– Team coaching staff, announcers, and marketing department willing to ignore skill level and instead focus on how hard you play the game

– Supported by pitching rotation with 3 Cy Young Award winners, 1/3 of whom are likely to win 10+ games this season

– Your efforts will be touted by local propaganda radio station, regardless of performance

 

However, with perks & advantages comes responsibility. Between 2000 and 2007, position’s predecessor hit enough home runs into adjacent bay to raise water level and single-handedly reverse effects of global warming in San Francisco. You will be tasked with feats such as cleaning the Augean stables, apprehending the Cretan bull, and capturing Cerberus.

 

Compensation: Whatever your agent deems fair

 

 

 

Starting Pitcher, Oakland A’s

 

Looking for:

– Recent high school and/or college graduates

– Kids looking to get their feet wet and eventually move on to bigger organizations

– Workers who do not require much supervision (stadium will typically be 85% empty)

– Willingness to travel 100%, as you will be traded in the near future

– Anyone with a valid driver’s license. This is a young team, and end-of-year pizza party & LaserTag adventure will be located at 2645 Hegenberger Ave. in October. We will need drivers to & from location (please call for directions).

 

Physical skills required:

– When pitching out of the stretch, right-handed pitchers must be able to fend off back-stabbing new first baseman

– Ability to direct ground balls to second baseman a plus, as all other infield positions may be either vacant or filled by Little Leaguers at any given time

 

Original job posting indicates preference for employees in the Fremont area. However, once this effort ultimately fails, we will immediately be hiring in downtown San Jose.

 

Compensation: League minimum

 

Head Coach, Oakland Raiders

 

Position reports directly to Owner’s handlers & cryogenic medical staff. For liability reasons, you will not actually meet Owner in person, as he is literally falling apart (think: Jeff Goldblum in “The Fly”, Bill Murray’s deceased boss in “Scrooged”). However, we are currently developing technology that will allow him to once again come in contact with human beings.

 

Necessary skills:

– Head coaching experience: none

– Must have previous playing or assistant coaching experience with Raiders (all others need not apply)

– Ability to develop multiple QB’s a strong plus, as offensive line may not keep current starter able-bodied and/or alive past week 2

 

Hiring process may last until first week of season, so applicants must be available to start immediately. If contacted, please bring copy of resume and 1970’s offensive playbook to your interview.

 

Note: Team comes equipped with strong running game, to be used only in case of emergency (and only as method of setting up pass plays)

 

Compensation: $20,000 per game

 

 

 

Offensive Coordinator, San Francisco 49ers

Contract position only, applicant needed for 4 months’ work (from September to December)

– Who you’ll be working with:

o Two quarterbacks: first needs complete mental rehabilitation, and second is unable throw beyond 15 yards. Psychiatric and/or bionic limb replacement experience desired.

o Power running game, minus power running back or fullback.

o Your primary objective in passing game will be to direct passes to the tight end. However, current tight end is unable to catch a football to save his life, so please be prepared to demonstrate creativity in this regard

o Wide receivers (N/A)

 

We ask for patience, as front office may interview up to 500 candidates for the position.

 

Compensation:

 

APPLICANT CHOICE:

 

$150,000

 

– OR –

 

80% of revenue generated by team’s new stadium between years 2009-2029