2007 Sports Predictions

At this time each year, it’s only natural for sports fans to look back at the year that was — and make their guesses about the upcoming year. Who will win the big game, melt down on the sideline and hook up with Courtney Love in a men’s room stall? While waiting 12 months is the surest way to answer these questions, what fun is that? Without further ado, here are my predictions for the 2007 sports year.Saints win Super Bowl, hang up on president during congratulations call
By edging the Chargers in Super Bowl XLI, the New Orleans Saints win their first Lombardi Trophy and the nation rallies behind the ravaged city’s accomplishment. Since President Bush apparently has a three-week waiting period before responding to any event in New Orleans (coughKatrinacough), he finally calls the team in March to congratulate them — and is hung up on.

The president retaliates, threatening to “spread freedom” to New Orleans if they don’t call him back.

Mike Tyson joins “Dancing with the Stars,” eats Screech
Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson follows in the footsteps of the punch-drunk Evander Holyfield as the token athlete on the strangely popular ABC reality series. But disaster strikes the set when Dustin “Screech” Diamond cracks a joke at the boxer’s expense and is promptly devoured by Iron Mike.

The brawler reaches the finals, outlasting Mr. T and the guy who played cousin Oliver on the Brady Bunch, but falls in the championship round to Bob Barker. The disgraced former champ then challenges Barker to a boxing match — and loses by KO in the third round.

OJ Simpson continues to shamelessly profit off double murder
Acquitted double murderer OJ Simpson was dealt a serious setback in 2006 when Fox pulled the plug on his planned “If I Did It, Here’s How it Happened” book/TV special, in which he planned to explain in detail how he (would have) murdered his ex wife and “that other guy.” But the plucky slasher bounces back in the new year with his tell-all, “If My TV Special Wasn’t Cancelled, Here’s What I Would Have Said.”

Later in the year, he releases his follow-up book, “I Can’t Believe I’m Not In Jail Yet.”

Shaq arrests Kobe
When NBA officials fail to enforce blatant traveling violations by Kobe Bryant, recently deputized Miami Heat center Shaquille O’Neal whips out the cuffs and charges his former teammate with jaywalking. Kobe maintains his innocence, but pleads to a lesser offense to avoid a lengthy trial after other jaywalking allegations emerge. Bryant serves 10 hours community service and awards his wife with a $4 million diamond to make it up to her, as stipulated in their prenuptial agreement.

Pink, John Mellencamp receive lifetime ban from football
A rash of violence, described by authorities as “Our Country” Rage, sweeps the nation due to the incessant playing of that John Cougar Mellencrap song during football broadcasts. “Every commercial break, it just… keeps… playing,” said one sufferer as he tried to force his TV into the microwave.

And NBC finally realizes that nobody named Pink belongs on a football show. The Joan Jett wannabe gets the boot and Hank Williams Jr. takes over after the NFL names “Are You Ready for Some Football?” as the league’s official pre-game song.

Polar bears wins class-action lawsuit against NASCAR
After successfully arguing in Arctic Superior Court that driving really fast in circles is stupid considering the global warming issues we face, hundreds of displaced polar bears are awarded a $3.2 billion settlement in their class-action suit against NASCAR. The bears will use their earnings to relocate to Northern Alaska to start an NHL franchise. In retaliation for what they say is decades of “insulting animal imagery” from mascots, they name the team The Barrow Hillbillies.

Peyton Manning hosts “Saturday Night Live”
This is long overdue and Manning seems to be one of the dozen or so current athletes who would make a good host. While he might not rank up there with all-time great jock hosts The Rock or Derek Jeter, he would probably be on par with the surprisingly funny Joe Montana episode. While bombing on “SNL” can cost you a lot of street cred, Manning has good comedic timing and should be able to avoid the fate of former dud hosts Lance Armstrong, Jeff Gordon and Tom Brady.
Come on, Lorne. Get this done already.

MLB adjusts stats for steroids
Due to every baseball fan on the planet dreading the thought of Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s all-time homerun record, Major League Baseball unveils new “adjusted for steroids” stat-keeping system. The new process, which works much like the “adjusted for inflation” equations, will scale back the statistics of players based on the amount of steroids they used.

By the new calculations, Bonds’ career homerun total drops from 734 to 116, putting him on pace to break Aaron’s record in the year 2122. Sleep easy, Hank. We’ve got your back.