Being the marketing chief for an NFL team can be one of the hardest jobs in the league. You have to make everything about the team sound exciting and interesting, even though in most cases it isn’t. While they could never say anything bad about their own team, I’m pretty sure some of them want to. Here is a marketing pitch you won’t hear for each of the NFL’s 32 teams.

NFC

NFC North

Green Bay: You know, Brett Favre coming back for one more season will really help out this team in the long term. Sure, we have a talented future prospect in Aaron Rodgers just sitting on the bench, but Favre just has a feel for the dramatic. Like tense, fourth-quarter comebacks that he spoils by lobbing up an easy interception.

Minnesota: We got rid of all the negative imagery surrounding our team last season by cleaning up in the offseason. Unfortunately this `cleanup’ meant getting rid of our starting quarterback, running back, and wide receiver. But sometimes sacrifices are necessary, you know?

Detroit: We finally got rid of fan unfavorite Joey Harrington in the offseason. But with career backup Jon Kitna throwing to multiple receivers coming off injuries, our offense is anything but proven. So take a risk, and come out to Ford Field!

Chicago: We fooled you fans a bit last season by winning some games and playing shutdown defense. This year, we’ll probably remind you more of the Bears you know from 2002-2004. It’s going to be great!

NFC East

Philadelphia Donovan McNabb is back from injury, and he’ll be working hard trying to prove that he’s better for this team than Brett Favre after TO’s comments last year. Unfortunately, that includes blowing leads late in the ballgame, throwing up desperate pass attempts to triple-covered receivers, and having the pocket mobility of a refrigerator. But sometimes, you just have to go that extra mile to prove your doubters wrong.  

Washington: We’re competing with Dallas and Arizona for the title of “Most Immobile Starting Quarterback.” With Mark Brunell on our side, that might be the only thing we win this year.

Dallas: Judging by his track record, TO will really help us this year. And I mean help us by driving Bill Parcells as far away from the team as possible. We can’t get anywhere with Parcells’ constant motivational speeches and `90’s style of coaching. Can the guy ever crack a smile?

New York Giants: Just because he’s Peyton’s little brother, we think Eli Manning is special. Special enough to blow every postseason opportunity we get.

NFC West

St. Louis: Now that Mike Martz is gone, our team has a whole new look and feel. Except for the defense, which as usual with be unable to tackle a soul. But at least our offense will be awesome! It’s all fun in St. Louis!

San Francisco: Do you want to see the league’s #32 ranked offense and defense? Do you want to see a record challenged for worse interception-to-touchdown ratio? Do you want to see Alex Smith get nailed by about 5 guys at once on every other passing play? Then you’re just the fan we’re looking for, because all of this and more will happen this year. Just remember the glory days, remember the glory days…

Seattle: The Seahawks are poised for a good season again this year, especially when you consider the awesome track record of Super Bowl-losing teams the year after. And Shaun Alexander is going to be a stud again this year, even though our offense lost its best lineman and Alexander received a long-term contract with lots of guarantees in the offseaon. Hey, at least you fans won’t have to ever watch another Super Bowl with the Seahawks in it!

Arizona: Here in Arizona, our offseason philosophy consisted of resigning a washed up, old quarterback, drafting a high-priced future replacement, signing the most expensive free-agent running back, all while doing nothing to improve our horrendous defensive and offensive line. Come out to the desert, where we’ll come back from any deficit!

NFC South

New Orleans: Since Reggie Bush was one of the most exciting players in college football history, that advantage will obviously carry over to the NFL. Even though everyone else is just as fast now, fewer players at this level are fooled by jukes and cuts, and he can only carry the ball about 15 times a game without breaking down. But trust us, he will dominate.

Atlanta: Michael Vick is really practicing his passing in the offseason. In fact, he’s so confident, he’s guaranteed a 3,000 yard, 18-touchdown, 11-intercpetion season.

Carolina: Come see the Panthers, and you could be on the field if some of our running backs go down!

Tampa Bay: I know everyone finds this hard to believe, but this squad actually made the playoffs last season. Isn’t that incredible? With Chris Simms starting his first full season, you can be assured that won’t happen again.

AFC

AFC West

Denver: Each year, we use the proven strategy of releasing a 1000-yard running back with the theory that anyone can run behind our offensive line. So there may be changes again at running back, but at least we’ve kept our proven, risk-free quarterback in Jake Plummer.

Oakland: Our aerial attack is led by strong-armed quarterback Aaron Brooks. You should come to our games if you like exciting tipped passes leading to interceptions, or hugely overthrown passes, or 20-yard losses on sacks, or fumbled attempts at laterals, or basically anything leading to a turnover by our squad.

Kansas City: Come see Larry Johnson, who is hailed to be the next 2,500 yard runner.

San Diego: Anyone who doubts Phillip Rivers should realize that this guy can lead a ballclub. Remember his greatness in college, when he led NC State to multiple Continental Tire Bowl titles? And if you thought at any point last year that LT’s supporting cast could not get any worse, then you’re in for a real treat!

AFC East

Buffalo: Come see the high-flying Bills, who feature strong-armed JP Losman this year at quarterback. I would tell you more about Losman and his greatness, but unfortunately I have no idea who he is.

New England: Our team this year features many veteran, proven players, all of whom will not be on the team next year. Say goodbye to greats such as Richard Seymour, Tedy Bruschi, and Deion Branch. We’ll miss you guys next season!

New York: Which way will Chad Pennington blow out his shoulder this season? It’s easy to find out, just come out to Giants Stadium!

Miami: If you thought Daunte Culpepper was bad last year without Randy Moss, just wait until you see him in Miami. Besides Chris Chambers, I don’t even think Nick Saban has heard of half our receivers. Welcome to Miami, Daunte!

AFC South

Indianapolis: Ready for another 13-3 season? (Followed by many experts predicting us to finally win the Super Bowl? Followed by a heartbreaking close loss in the AFC Championship game? Followed by us making no changes whatsoever in the offseason?) We thought so!

Tennessee: Vince Young is ready to produce early on in his career just like Mike Vick did.

Jacksonville: We’re hoping Fred Taylor doesn’t get hurt again here in Jacksonville. I mean, the guy just produces so well when he’s in there, I just couldn’t imagine our running attack going anywhere without him.

Houston: For those of you thinking David Carr was a terrible number 1 pick, just wait until you see Mario Williams. That guy has `colossal bust’ written all over him.  

AFC North

Cleveland: The new Browns will take the field this season. On offense we return skill position standouts Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow in addition to Reuben Drounghs at running back. We also have a vastly improved defensive and an offensive line bolstered through free agency. The quarterback that will be leading this greatness is…Charlie Frye! Wait a minute, Chralie Frye’s our freaking quarterback! We’re going to suck!

Pittsburgh: Trust us, we did nothing to get any worse in the offseason. Sure, we may have lost our playmaking #2 receiver and goal-line running threat, but we were the freaking Super Bowl champions, people! The offseason discipline of our players has even been compared with Miami, Florida State, and Duke Universities! What’s not to like?

Baltimore: Come out to our first 2 home games this year if you want to see any of newly signed quarterback Steve McNair.

Cincinnati: Though Carson Palmer will be coming back Week 1, what we’re not telling you is he’s going to be as slow as Shaquille O’Neal. This should be a long season in Cincy.