I recently asked a friend of mine to accompany me to a Philadelphia Phillies game. Seeing as though the Phillies are only two and a half games behind the Mets, I figured it was about time for me to mosey my way down to Citizen Bank Park. “Is it dollar dog night?” my friend asked. “Um, no. But the Phillies are playing the Boston Red Sox.” I said with enthusiasm. “Oh, no dollar dog night, huh? Well are we getting a free bobble head?” he asked with his head slightly tilted like that of a bobble head. “No, but the Philles are playing the B-O-S-T-O-N R-E-D S-O-X. You know, one of the best teams in baseball? The Phillies don’t play them too often! We can even boo Curt Schilling and throw things at him!” I exclaimed. My friend hung his head down and said glumly, “Well I guess I’ll go. Maybe we’ll get a rally towel or something?”Since when did the decision to go to a baseball game include what type of gift one is getting in return? Granted, the Phillies, as a team, haven’t given their fans the gift of a winning season in years, yet, when did Dollar Dog Night exceed seeing the Boston Red Sox play in Philadelphia? In today’s sporting world, a bobble head is just as important as seeing Barry Bonds smack a homerun. (In retrospect, Barry sort of resembles a bobble head, so I guess seeing him in person is receiving the best of both worlds? You might not get a bobble head, but you get to see one in person?)
Philadelphia fans turn out in droves for dollar hot dogs, that they can easily grille on their own grilles at home. Parents will beat other parents up for Derek Jeter bobble head dolls that will end up thrown in a toy box a week later. Women arrive in groups, excited for a women’s visor that they’ll wear at the game, and then never touch again because they are a fashion “no no.” Men show up hoping to get a free beach towel which they can then use to mop up the beer they’ll at some point spill during the seventh inning stretch. Oh yea, and during this, a baseball game is being played.
Has the sporting world bored us so much, that the only way to get our ten-minute attention span and us to a game is to bribe us with some kind of gift? After game six of the Eastern Conference Quarterfinals, as Philadelphia fans left the arena shocked out of their minds, many were happy for the plastic hockey helmet they were given as a souvenir. Heck, the Flyers might have been booted out of the playoffs, but at least now when you pretend to be Peter Forsberg scoring a goal, you’ll have a nifty helmet to go along with the nifty replica jersey you bought!
If bribing us is the only way to get us to show up to games, I think it’s about time to change up the free gifts we get. I’m tired of bobble heads, rally monkeys, rally towels, Thunder Sticks, and matching t-shirts! Who needs a Thunder Stick, anyway? The only people that use them after games are the ten-year old bullies who use them to beat up other kids on the playground. Here are my suggestions for new giveaways for fans.
Blindfolds–These can be used in cities where the sports teams are below five hundred. This way, in say, Kansas City, fans can cover their eyes during games, instead of leaving the game early or not showing up at all. This way they’ll get all the “sounds” of the ballpark, without having to sit home and ask their wives to move from their view of the TV.
Megaphones- Another perfect gift for fans of losing teams. Since we, as fans, are convinced our booing of our players will encourage them to win, why not make sure they can definitely hear us? With matching megaphones, we can, not only ensure they’ll hear every curse word we utter, but we can also show our team spirit at the same time.
Mini radios–This is perfect for fans who have no interest in the game at hand. They can “pretend” they are watching the game, but instead can listen to their favorite radio station or perhaps, another sporting event. This is a perfect gift for all those closet soccer fans who are going to “pretend” they aren’t watching the World Cup. With this, they can go to a Yankees game, but listen to the soccer game instead.
Coloring Books–What better way to ignore the Florida Marlins, then to have a good color? We all love and missing doing it. When you’re around five hundred other fans who made the trip up to see the Marlins, you might as well show your creative in staying between the lines.
Free Food- Can’t go wrong with free food. You find me one person who doesn’t like free food and I’ll prove that that person is a walking corpse. Free food can do wonders. Imagine the power one would have as President of the United States if he/she offered free food to Presidents of other countries in exchange for more power or money? It would be glorious. Same goes with sporting fans. We adore dollar hot dogs, so you give us free hot dogs, and we’ll fill your arena up faster than you can say, Coco Crisp. We’ll even look happy, no matter how bad the team is playing, because we’ll be munching on free hot dogs.
Ah, the possibilities. Hopefully, next time my friend and I head up to Citizens Bank Park, we’ll be handed a free hot dog and coloring book. That’ll make me forget David Bells .270 average. Till next time, my friends.