On the Clock

by Frank M. Henkel

Tired of LenDale White’s hammy and Mario Williams’ “40”? Combines, pro days, and
Mel Kiper dominate the days between the BCS Championship game and April 29. Most
popular of all is the mock draft: April’s version of fantasy football. If you
have ever seen one, you will agree that fantasy is the optimal word.

Instead of breaking down all 255 selections like dozens of overzealous, wannabe
GM’s, let us look at the lighter side of the draft: the (civil) war rooms,
ESPN’s dynamic, original coverage, and the nervous 21-year olds in the `Green
Room’ who are waiting for Tags to say their names.

Draft Day – 11:55 a.m.
A temporary power spike occurs all over the country, as millions of
television viewers simultaneously power up their sets. As these football-starved
fans press the buttons on their remotes in a semi-frantic attempt to tune to
ESPN before the coverage starts. A couple of dorky guys comment about a
pointless “Did you know” piece that serves the purpose of a lame segue into the
main event.

High Noon
(Da-da-DUH, da-da-DUH!!) The cast of characters that will guide fans
through the next three days of the first round sit behind their desk in Radio
City Music Hall. Chris Berman, John Clayton, and Mel Kiper look up from the desk
into the camera, seemingly on cue.

Berman: And welcome, everyone, to the 2006 NFL Draft sponsored by a pill
to get old men excited. I’m Chris Berman. Joining me here at Radio City Music
Hall are John “the alien” Clayton and Mel “Helmet Hair” Kiper. Chris Mortensen
will be joining us live from some lame NFL city because this desk isn’t big
enough for two ‘Chris’es.

Mort: You’re right Boomer. That’s why I call you Boomer.

Berman: Also joining us from Philadelphia is Sal Paolantonio

Sal: Sorry Chris – can’t talk and kiss Andy Ried’s butt at the same time. I’ll
check in later after the Eagles make the best pick of the first round.

Berman: I’m sure you will, Sal. Incidentally, Michael Irvin couldn’t be with us
today. He’s suspended for the next four NFL Drafts for violating the league’s
substance abuse policy.

Clayton: This should be…

Berman: No time for that, John. The Commish is coming to the podium with what
I’m told is some ground-breaking news.

Tags: The Houston Texans are now on the clock.

Berman: Wow!!! Amazing!

Clayton: I think that the Texans need…

Berman: Thanks for that report, John. What do you think Houston will do, Mel?

Mel: Honestly, I have no clue. However, I’m going to over-articulate every
syllable and wear my glasses. Then I’m going to show a bunch of useless Reggie
Bush footage and comment on it. This will make me look smart. Hopefully, the
Texans won’t take Bush. This will benefit me twofold. First, I can talk about
how great their pick is, be it Young, Williams, Leinert, or anyone else. Second,
I can regurgitate all of the crap that I just spewed, replacing the word
“Texans” with “Saints”.

Berman: Thanks for that report, Mel. That’s why you’re the best.

Clayton: Reggie Bush is going…

Berman: Not now, John. Tags is coming up with the card.

Tags: With the first pick in the 2006 NFL Draft, the Houston Texans select
running back Reggie Bush from USC.

Mel (off mic): Damn!! Where’s my assistant?!?!? I need to find out who the next
team will draft. Who’s on the clock now? Damn!!!

1,273,239 of the 1,273,439 viewers all turn off their televisions at the same
time, figuring that they can catch the rest of the highlights on ESPN.com later
that night. California again suspends rolling brownouts. The 200 remaining
troopers watch intently.


Meanwhile, in the green room…


Vince Young: Please no Saints! Please no Saints!!

Mario Williams: Please no Saints! Please no Saints!!

A.J. Hawk: I’m glad the Saints aren’t picking me!

The Saints select Vince Young with the second pick. Screams from Drew Brees’
house can be heard for 20 miles. Equally loud are the screams from Young, his
endorsement team, and his realtor.


The Titans take Leinert, and the Jets take Ferguson. The Pack, delighted that
Williams is still on the board, snatch him up. Back in the Green Room…


Hawk: Hey, where’d everyone go?

Mel: Heh heh, the commish said `packers’. Heh heh.

Berman: Thanks for that inquisitive report, Mel. That’s why you make the big
bucks.

Clayton: Hawk is going to be…

Berman: Not now, John. Sal has an update for us from back, back, waaay back in
Philly. Sal?

Sal: Yeah Chris. I’m here in the Eagles’ war room, and my lips have moved to
Andy’s left cheek. Back to you.

Berman: Thanks Sal. Guys, Paul Tagliabue is bumblin’ and stumblin’ to the podium
with a card. San Fran is on the clock, but I smell a trade. Mort?

Mort: Thanks Boom. The 49ers did not make a trade.

Tags: The San Francisco 49ers trade the 6th pick of the draft to the Minnesota
Vikings. The Vikings are on the clock.

Berman: Wow, Mort!! Looks like you were wrong on that one! I think Michael Irvin
will have some of whatever you’re smokin’!

Mort (either ignoring Berman’s comment, or acknowledging it by not protesting):
Boomer, you’ll remember a few years ago when the Vikings somehow managed to turn
in their draft card late, and forfeited their pick. Teams behind them ended up
picking before them! I wonder if we’ll see that this year. Boom?

Berman: I think Michael Irvin WANTED some of whatever you’re smokin’, but you’ve
smoked all of it up!

Clayton (off mic): They PAY these people? My gosh, I’m the smartest one here.

Mel: Don’t believe everything your mom tells you, John.

Berman: Great analysis, Mel.

14:45 passes on the clock, and the Vikings rep starts writing the team’s pick on
the card. All of the sudden, his pencil tip breaks. Without worry, he pulls
another pencil from his bag.


Vikings Rep (to the NFL runner waiting for the pick): There will be no repeats
this year! I brought TWO number 2 pencils this time!

All of a sudden, just as the rep finishes the “Y” in the first name and starts
on the “C” in the last name, the second pencil tip breaks. Frantically, the rep
starts banging hard on the pencil, trying to get the nub to write. As the clock
ticks “7…6…5…”, he starts writing with the tiny broken tips. Again, no luck.
“5…4…3…”

Meanwhile, the Raiders are writing Vince Young’s name on the card, in
anticipation of another Minnesota blunder. Of course, Young was already
selected. A melee ensues:


Al Davis: Hey Paul, what the @*&% do you mean I can’t take Young? He’s the one I
want!

Tags: Al, he was already taken by the Saints with the second pick. You can’t
take him.

Davis: Read my Members Only jacket: VINCE YOUNG.

Tags: I don’t think so, Al.

Davis: Fine, then I’ll sue. No wait, I’ll move to LA. No wait! I’ll make a new
league, draft Young, sign him, and become the Tags of that league!

Tags: Just pick someone else for Pete’s Sake!!!

Davis: Fine then. A.J. Hawk

Tags: With the sixth pick, the Oakland Raiders pick A.J. Hawk, linebacker, Ohio
State.

Minnesota Rep: Wait!!! Wait!!! Hey Buffalo, can I borrow a pencil?

Buffalo Rep (laughing hysterically): Sure. Here you go!

The Bills rep throws the Vikings rep an old, red, mechanical pencil with no
lead. Meanwhile, the Bills turn in THEIR card, moving ahead of the Vikings. They
select Winston Justice with the 7th pick. Zygi Wilf, the owner of the Vikings,
stabs his rep in the eye with one of the broken pencils. Blood spews out
everywhere, and Wilf finishes the “utler” in Jay Cutler with the blood. He runs
the card up to the podium himself. On the set, the guys don’t know what to say.


Berman: Mel, have you ever seen any thing like this?

Clayton: My gosh, Chris

Berman: Excuse me, John. Mel, any thoughts?

Mel: Well Chris, there’s only one thing to say about this. Unfortunately, my
staff hasn’t told me what it is yet. I must say, though, that Oakland made a
great pick with Hawk. It was a great “value pick”. I’m not sure what that means,
but my staff tells me that it’s a good thing. I’ll keep rambling while this Ohio
State footage of Hawk making plays is on. Then, we’ll cleverly splice in some
Justice footage. Of course, I have nothing to do with the process, but it makes
me look good, nonetheless.

And on it goes. As the hours roll by, the Lions’ choice of WR Chad Jackson and
Sal’s clamoring about Philly drafting LenDale White break the monotony. Finally,
as Pittsburgh is seemingly on the last 15 minute increment of the round, they
trade down at the last second with the 49ers. In typical Murphy’s Law fashion,
San Fran uses the whole 15 before selecting DeAngelo Williams from Memphis. So,
13 hours and 32 minutes after it started, the first round is over.

Six more rounds to go.