Spring Draining

With March madness rolling in and the weather warming up, I realize it’s just a matter of time before I’ll be forced to take up healthy outdoor activities to fill the void left by watching competitive sports.  This is the time of year when otherwise intelligent, reasonable people invest themselves in a game based on statistics that are completely meaningless today.  It’s time for Major League Baseball.In years past I’ve sat back and let MLB contribute to the corruptness and mediocrity of our society, this year I’ve decided to take a more active role against baseball fleecing the general public.  This is my initial list of everything I feel is wrong with baseball; feel free to add to it.  The eventual goal will be to make the list available to every sports fan in the country, specifically the casual fan who is unknowingly contributing to the downfall of competitive sports in America by going to ball games, wearing the apparel, etc.  

1.  No Salary Cap:  Any sport that has more than a $100 million dollar difference between two team’s payrolls cannot be considered a competitive sport.  And if you don’t see that, you’re more of an idiot than the people who can’t win a championship every single year with a $100 million dollar advantage.  
2.  Stats/Hall of Fame:  Nerds need numbers to make arguments.  Just because someone was slightly above average for 20 years does not make them an all time great.  Also, how is a player not hall worthy one year, yet, the next year is considered one of the greatest players of all time and voted in?
3.  Stadiums:  Not only do the sizes of each playing field vary, there are hills and obstacles in the outfield of some ball parks.  Nothing like paying someone $15 million/year to play baseball for you and then set up a hill for them to run into blindly every game.  Genius.  Also, different ballpark dimensions aren’t adding any credibility to stat geek’s arguments.
4.  Cheating:  Allow it or don’t allow it, don’t try to differentiate.  Also, not only should players betting on their team be applauded, but it should be required.  You wouldn’t see anyone jogging out ground balls or sitting out games.
5.  Designated Hitter:  Not only is it ridiculous that there are different rules in place for each league, but moving an old, immobile player from one league to another to continue his career only discredits the game.  If you’re only agile enough to stand in place and swing a bat, you’re not an athlete.  It means you simply have good hand/eye coordination and your time would be better spent entering video game tournaments with 15 year olds, instead of subjecting the free world to your fat ass.  
6.  Coaches wear uniforms:  There are enough fat slobs in baseball wearing tight cotton; we don’t need to see 70 year old men in them as well.  It’s both comical and disgusting.  No other professional sport does this.  Because it’s so stupid.  
7.  Bench Coaches:  I’m not sure what they do, but I’d assume their role is to chat with the manager to keep him from falling asleep.  That, or maybe comic relief, I know I used to laugh my ass off whenever I saw Don Zimmer wearing that soldier’s helmet with the NY insignia on the front.  Hilarious.  Not really sure what the manager does either, aside from being able to read a stat sheet and writing down your nine most productive player’s names onto a lineup card.  I guess he also has to walk to the mound to take, and hold, the baseball until the pitcher that gave up consecutive home runs makes it to the dugout while the new pitcher walks to the mound from the outfield.
8.  America’s sport:  Not for almost 50 years.  America’s best athletes play basketball and football.  Baseball is now dominated by middle aged Latin men passing themselves off as 20 year olds.