By: Jon Morrill
The 2005 Philadelphia Eagles were pronounced dead late Monday Night; after being found in their snow covered home at Lincoln Financial Field in South Philadelphia after being on life support for months. Initially thought to be murder, authorities now believe the situation to be a possible suicide after much closer investigation. During the time in which foul play was thought to be afoot, police and analysts close to the situation believed Terrell Owens’s ego, greed, and hubris to be the prime suspects. However, autopsies revealed early Tuesday morning that the 2005 Eagles had been suffering from severe “Super Bowl Loser-isotosis”–a type of Super Bowl hangover which seems to affect teams who lose the Super Bowl. The most negative effect of the condition is usually the loss of durability to players, as well as the inflating; or in some cases–extreme deflating, of egos among players and coaching staff. Results were first reported Monday night by John Madden and Al Michaels. Despite years of knowledge and experience and the respect and deference of millions, there is no word as of yet where it is believed that Mr. Michaels and Mr. Madden received their respective medical degrees.
Super Bowl hangovers have been around since the inception of the Super Bowl nearly 40 years ago. But its frequency has spread like wildfire in recent years; the 2001 New York Giants, the 2002 St. Louis Rams, the 2004 Carolina Panthers all succumbed to the illness following their losses in the sporting event-turned-national holiday. The Oakland Raiders as a franchise have yet to recover from the sickness since their Super Bowl debacle back in late January of 2003.
“It’s just a shame,” said team Executive VP and Chief Operating Officer Joe Banner. “We tried everything we could to fight it and stay positive. When things got really tough, we went about business as usual, you know, not wanting to give [the hangover] the satisfaction of knowing it beat us. There’s no way we could have predicted this. 2005 will be missed.”
Services will be held later in the week to honor and celebrate the life of the ’05 Birds. While there is no one yet declared to give the eulogy, there is mild speculation that player agent Drew Rosenhaus has been contacted. Word is that Rosenhaus had a very successful and dramatic first rehearsal doing the services, but halfway through his second run though, he threatened to hold out; stating, “I’m easily one of the top eulogists in the profession and at this time, I’m not being paid like one.” Rosenhaus was even sent home for a brief period, supposedly, and though he has since returned to the funeral processions, it is not said how it has affected the chemistry of those putting the services together.
The list of those expected to attend the wake include Terrell Owens’s contract dispute, Brian Westbrook’s foot, Tra Thomas’s back, Lito Sheppard’s ankle, the at times atrocious play calling of coach Andy Reid, a porous and pathetic offensive line led by Hank Fraley’s shoulder surgery, Todd Pinkston’s ruptured Achilles’ tendon, and every joint, sore muscle and broken blood vessel in Donovan McNabb’s entire body–not to mention the sad, sorry remains of a once proud Philadelphia defense. Though it is not yet known which of these names will be called upon to be pallbearers, it is for certain that all of these names will have helped bury all of the hopes and dreams of 2005 for Philadelphia.
The EA Sports Madden Football Cover Curse couldn’t be reached for comment at press time.
5 replies on “Phuneral Procession”
haha!!! AWESOME. Loved the idea — it was really clever. Made me laugh but it still got the point across. Good work.
That’s quality! That’s a quality column, very creative.
By the way, the playcalling of Andy Reid has been atrocious since the 2002 NFC Championship game against the St. Louis Rams. Reid had them on the ropes and got EXTREMELY conservative!
will the funeral procession be on broad street?
hey thanks thanks for the positive feedback, guys.
the procession itself will start on broad st., then head south on I-95 to the delaware border then head back up north and hop on 76 to hit cities like reading, pottstown, etc. after that, its scheduled to get on the PA turnpike and end somewhere in bucks county.
kind of a long, hard, and pointless trek, but hey–so was this season, right?
MNF I was at the game Monday. By the 4th quarter, it was like a wake.
The thing is, as a sign of protest, EVERYONE should have left the stadium after halftime.