If I Were the GM for The Mets

I know, I know who cares about the New York Mets. Better yet, who cares what I would do if I were the General Manager for the New York Mets? Really, I can’t answer that all I can say is that my wit and dry humor rivals that of a Dennis Miller (of course without the awful historical references).

We all have thought about being a GM. That’s why fantasy sports is a multibillion dollar industry. But I am going to live that dream right now, because I am that ignorant to not know the difference between my imagination and real life. The Mets are one of the most confusing teams in all of sports. They try to get better, swear they are going to make every attempt to get better, yet they stay the same after a whole lot of effort. Kind of like my reason for joining a gym, the idea of getting a six-pack is great but it never actually happens because I wind up not going.

ANYWAY, so while watching this years Metropolitans I have been taking some notes on how I am going to improve my team. So here are the moves I would make (in no particular order).

1.) GET RID OF  PIAZZA. And I don’t mean trade him. I mean just go on a road trip and tell him the plane is leaving from one terminal while the plane is actually leaving from another. Then avoid him like he was the girl you dated up until you realized that she has a face that was made for radio. I like Piazza and as a fan I appreciate everything he has done for the Mets, but he’s got nothing left. You can’t trade him because nobody wants the contract and you can’t release him because I don’t want to eat a contract the size of Anna Nicole Smith (Before Trimspa). So the best option is to hide from him.

2.) Glavine and Looper. I would trade Glavine mainly because there was never a player I didn’t want to become a Met more than Tom Glavine. This would be like your girlfriends father marrying your divorced mother. The fun has to stop because the relationship is now awkward. I don’t know how many wins Glavine had against the Mets when he was a Brave, but I am sure it was a lot.

Looper just drives me crazy. Last year he was dominant when he got a chance to close. This year he gets chances and for the most part closes them out but nearly makes your heart explode doing it.

I would trade these players after the All Star break to a contender and get a bat or some young prospects. I am thinking I would probably trade them to Boston. With Foulke’s bad knees that are going to land him on the DL and weakness in starting pitching they could use both.  And hopefully we could get some nice young prospects in return.

3.) In the off-season sign A.J Burnett. I break the bank for him. He is a power pitcher and with him and Pedro in the 1-2 spot the Mets would have one of the best front ends of the rotation in baseball. We traded Burnett years ago to get Leiter which was a great move because Leiter carried the Mets pitching staff in the late 90’s. But the real reason I get Burnett is just to piss on (not off) Florida. They stole Delgado from the us this past offseason so this would just be sweet revenge. Mooohahahahah.

4.) Get Tom Seaver and Keith Hernandez away from the broadcast booth. Okay, I know a GM doesn’t have that power but if Tom Seaver says  “You can’t fall behind 3-1, it will hurt you eventually” one more time my head will explode. As for Keith, well I know Keith you were the best first baseman EVER.

5.) Lose Matsui. I don’t know what to say about him, except him and Tsuyoshi Shinjo should form the “I am not as good as Ichiro” Fan Club. Another player you can’t trade because of his ridiculous contract and subpar baseball skills. I think I would accept a kick to the groin for Matsui from another team, because honestly I can’t imagine a team offering anything more.

So that’s it, would the Mets be better off? I think so. There would only be 5 or 6 players, but they would play like 9. But seriously, the Mets are a New York team and there is not one valid reason why with a 100+ million dollar payroll they are below .500. Wait I know why, its because I am not the GM.