By Ryan McGowan
BOSTON, MA — In an unprecedented move, Boston Red Sox owners John W. Henry, Tom Werner, and Larry Lucchino announced today that Senior Vice President and General Manager Theo Epstein, who was named GM in 2002 and was largely credited for building the team that finally broke through and won the World Series in 2004, has been replaced in his position by Mike from Arlington, a frequent listen and occasional caller to WEEI sports radio.“We are very excited about the new direction that Mike from Arlington will take the Red Sox,” said Henry at a press conference at the team’s administrative offices in Fenway Park. “Every time he has called into Dale and Holley or The Big Show, he has demonstrated his primary strengths of talent evaluation, lineup analysis, and psychological assessment of our athletes, which proves that he has the know-how to bring our organization to greater heights.”
Mike from Arlington has asked that his real last name be withheld in favor of his hometown for identification purposes, presumably to differentiate him from the many Mikes in Greater Boston. “The last thing I would want people to think was that I was Mike from Canton,” said Mike from Arlington, as he ascended the podium wearing a Sox cap and a “Jeter Sucks the Big Unit” t-shirt. “That (expletive) can call Mustard and Johnson‘ all he wants. I’m a real Sox fan, baby. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Teddy at 11:30 and then got up early to challenge Callahan at 7 AM the next day. I’ve been on with the Big O during drive time, and I spent all day at work two weeks ago coming up with a funny song about Renteria that they played on the Whiner Line that day.”
The Red Sox would not comment on Mike from Arlington’s former profession prior to being named GM. However, an unnamed source has revealed to SportsColumn that the new sports operations executive was a long-time fixture of the possibly-coincidentally-named Mike’s Deli on Mystic St. in Arlington. The source commented that, “Working behind a deli counter should have prepared Mike from Arlington well for the GM job. Every time I went in there for a smoked turkey sandwich, he was rattling off his opinion about last night’s Sox game. No matter what moves the manager had made, Mike disagreed with them. He obviously knows a better way to do things as a big-league executive. I am glad he has gotten his shot with the Sox, but I don’t know where I’m going to get a ham-and-cheese wrap in Arlington anymore. I bet he’ll be busy with the new job.”
Although the Red Sox would not release the list of finalists for the general manager position, Mike from Arlington was allegedly chosen from a master list developed by Lucchino and Henry while listening to WEEI over the past two-plus years of their ownership. “A lot of people don’t know that we listen to talk radio as obsessively as most of our fans,” commented Lucchino during the press conference. “In reality, John, Tom, and I listen to all the shows, and we take notes on what all the callers suggest. If Mike from Arlington hadn’t called sixteen times between April and July of last year demanding Nomar be traded, I don’t think we would have ever thought to pursue that deal. We had no idea he was looking for more money than we were willing to pay him. Don’t worry, we gave Theo a swift kick-in-the-ass for not seeing that one coming. It was our good fortune that Mike from Arlington, with his perceptive eye for detail and imaginative, out-of-the-box thinking backed by good, old-fashioned baseball sense, woke us up with his incredible knowledge and wisdom of how to run this organization. It only made sense to bring him on board full-time.”
The new GM wasted no time in implementing new policies for the team. Immediately after the press conference, Mike from Arlington fired manager Terry Francona, explaining that he disagreed with the manager’s dislike for sacrifice bunting every time a runner got on first base. “You gotta bunt,” said the new GM. “I don’t care if Manny or Ortiz is up, if there’s a guy on first base and no outs, you gotta bunt. And I don’t care if they aren’t good at it, they’re (expletive) professionals, they can (expletive) learn how to bunt.”
The new GM then placed a call to the Patriots’ offices in Foxborough and reportedly offered the managerial job to head coach Bill Belichick. “Belichick knows what’s (expletive) going on in sports,” said Mike from Arlington, echoing comments he made on the March 20, 2005 edition of The Big Sho“, undoubtedly heard and heeded by Red Sox ownership. “He wouldn’t put up with any of this bull that goes on in baseball. He puts those players in their place. These guys in our clubhouse have gotten too spoiled and they make too much (expletive) money. Belichick won’t put up with any of that baloney.”
When asked to comment on what other changes the new GM expected to come from naming Belichick the manager, Mike from Arlington named a few other specifics. “We won’t have no more pitch count crap,” the new executive promised. “None of this 110-pitches-and-you’re-done baloney. In the old days, we didn’t hear no baloney about pitch counts and keeping pitchers fresh. These pitchers just have to get more tough. Today’s players are such (expletive, think female genitalia). Luis Tiant used to throw 175 pitches a game and his arm was fine. I want our pitchers to throw more complete games.
“Another thing,” Mike from Arlington continued. “I didn’t like how Francona kept so many of our starters in too long. He’s got Schilling in there against Toronto last year, he’s thrown like 120 pitches, worked his ass off, and friggin’ Francona leaves him out there to give up a grand slam and lose the (expletive) game. We’re paying all this money to have this bullpen, why doesn’t he friggin’ use them? Because he was soft and he let Schilling call the shots. Belichick ain’t gonna let these friggin’ guys tell them when they’re playing and when they’re not.
“And one last thing. No more of these days off for players unless they’re hurt. Last week, he sat Ortiz on the bench and said Ortiz ‘needed a rest.’ What the (expletive) is that? These guys work 162 days a year. If I worked 162 days a year, I wouldn’t need no days off in the middle, I’ll tell you that.”
While awaiting an answer from Belichick, Mike from Arlington has installed himself as the interim manager. He posted signs in the dugout warning players that any smiling, laughing, or conversation in the dugout about any subject other than baseball will be punished by stiff fines and forced calisthenics, including doing “stairs” wearing full uniform in Fenway Parks’s stands during games.
Red Sox players have, for the most part, refused comment on the new appointment. Catcher and team captain Jason Varitek was quoted as saying it was a “curious” move to fire Epstein, while first baseman Kevin Millar noted that he “never liked that pompous (expletive) anyway.”
While it is uncertain how the team feels about the new, stricter discipline imposed by the new GM/manager, Sean McAdam of the Providence Journal reported that human feces were discovered outside the manager’s office, and a large phallus and testicles were drawn in apparent black marker on the office door along with the phrase “EAT ME.”
