There’s been a little something missing in my life recently. I don’t know if I’m the only one who’s felt this way, but sports have left me feeling a little empty the past few months. Sure, the three Yankees-Red Sox games each day are great, and the smooth, dulcid tones of Stephen A. Smith can relax even the most tightly wound sports fan, but watching ESPN just hasn’t provided the same enjoyment for me recently. It wasn’t until this week that the origin of my problem dawned on me: I’ve been going through Michael Irvin Withdrawl. Known in the medical world simply as MIW, sufferers experience hearing recovery or improvement, lack of headaches, and a desire to watch more television. But as of this weekend, I’ll no longer suffer from MIW, because the NFL Draft is this Saturday. Irvin, Berman, Kiper, and Super Bowl XXIX MVP Steve Young will all be on hand to tell us which NFL team each college player is assigned to this year. Of course, that’s how the draft is summarized among the “rational” faction of this country, those who don’t actually watch the draft and yet somehow have an innate ability to make the entire process sound trivial and boring. They’re referred to commonly as women, but this weekend they are simply known as Those Who Do Not Watch The Draft.
In reality, the draft is about debates and second-guessing over whether teams made the right pick. The draft is about Cold War-level secrecy, where each team treats their player rankings like a CIA NOC list. The draft is about Eli Manning refusing to play for San Diego, only to watch the Chargers win their division and make Eli look like he’s one step away from sitting on a porch barefoot in his overalls, sipping tar out of a mo-lasses jar and telling stories about how his brother Peyt’n can throw a football hecka darn far. But most importantly, the draft is apparently about Michael Irvin trying to upstage everyone, wearing one of Rappin 4 Tay’s old suits, yelling at everyone in sight, and reminding us all that he played his college ball at Miami. In fact, the only thing wrong with the current draft set up is that Irvin is apparently prevented from wearing any of his minks during the telecast, which is like inviting Pavarotti to a concert and asking him not to sing.
The draft is being held Saturday morning at 9 AM Pacific Time, because apparently the NFL thinks us West Coast folks are done hugging trees and eating granola by the time the sun comes up each morning. While this is grossly inaccurate (we’re usually not done with the trees and granola until 11), I’ll pull myself out of bed before noon this weekend, if only to cure my case of MIW. I hope you do the same.
In case you do decide to watch the proceedings, here’s how I think the top 10 picks will shake down, barring any trades (I couldn’t think of any jokes for teams picking later than 10th). Of course, I’m bound to get about 90% of these picks wrong, so if you’re watching at home, have a drink each time I get one wrong. By the time the draft is over, you won’t even remember that you read this column.
1) 49ers – Alex Smith, QB, Utah
Being the #1 pick in the draft is like sleeping your way to the top. Sure, it sounds great, but it also draws extra attention to your every misstep. This year, the honor of being the first player selected falls to Utah quarterback Alex Smith. Under normal circumstances, one of my teams having the #1 overall pick would result in me taking a week off from work in order to prepare for the draft. But I haven’t seen a whole lot of Smith or Cal QB Aaron Rodgers, so I’m forced to rely on alternative prediction methods.
In this case, trying to forecast whom the Niners will select is a little like naming a child: you just have to go with the best fit. For example, I can see myself watching 49ers games in 2006, complaining about how Smitty’s interceptions are killing the team and how Smitty needs to fall on something sharp. I can see myself watching 49ers games in 2008, doing a complete 180, talking about how great Smitty is and how I always knew he was the best player in the 2005 draft. I can’t see that happening with Aaron Rodgers. And so it is: Alex Smith will be drafted 1st overall by the 49ers.
If you have a hard time comparing something as trivial as naming a child with a topic as serious as the NFL Draft, try using another example. Selecting a new pope, for instance. Just as the 49ers must select a new quarterback to lead their team, the leaders of the Catholic Church must put their heads together this week and elect a new pope, a process which occurs about as often as a Bay Area team drafting first overall. Don’t be fooled by Tuesday’s announcement regarding Benedict XVI; the white smoke coming from the Vatican was just the Cardinals getting a jump on the 4/20 festivities.
2) Dolphins – Ronnie Brown, RB, Auburn
Every year, teams misfire with their draft choices. For a myriad of reasons, some players just don’t work out on certain teams. I’m hoping this is one of those situations. Not because I have anything against Ronnie Brown or the Dolphins, but because the city of Miami is becoming disgustingly privileged, in a Boston sort of way. You can make an argument that Miami has the best team in both baseball and basketball, and there is no argument to be made that any city has hotter cheerleaders than the Dolphins or Heat. Now the Fins get one of college football’s best coaches, a mini-Belicheck, with an All-Pro defense already in place. Forgive me if I don’t want the rich to get any richer. OK Dolphins, just draft your running back, let him average 3.5 yards per carry, and move on.
3) Browns – Aaron Rodgers, QB, Cal
First, there was Alex Rodriguez. Then, Andy Roddick convinced Stuart Scott (and the world) that he was worthy of “A-Rod” status. And now we have Aaron Rodgers. A-Rod III. I ask you, is there room in the American sporting universe for three A-Rods? Can Rodgers overcome the very real Tedford Jinx? Can a narcoleptic, unibrow-sporting QB lead a franchise named after the most boring color on Earth to the Super Bowl? The answer to all of these questions is no. Which is why I think Aaron Rodgers will be a bust in the NFL. And no one drafts busts like the Cleveland Browns.
4) Bears – Braylon Edwards, WR, Michigan
Braylon Edwards may never again be more popular than he is right now. According to top-ranking NFL sources, Edwards is everything from the best player in the draft to the next Terrell Owens. As Mugatu would say, “Braylon is SO HOT right now”. There’s even talk that the 49ers might take Edwards 1st overall, though that’s not likely to happen. Club Kid/ogre/receiver David Boston is expected to sign with San Francisco once he gets back down to his playing weight of 425, which should eliminate the Niners’ need for a wideout for at least the first 7 weeks of the season.
It’s worth noting that the Bears are one more draft misstep away from having the NFL turn off their user controls and letting the computer draft for them. Chicago has proven that offensive prospects aren’t exactly their specialty, as Curtis Enis, Cade McNown, and David Terrell can attest. If Edwards doesn’t pan out, the Bears might be barred from ever drafting another offensive player again.
5) Buccaneers – Cedric Benson, RB, Texas
We now arrive at the 5th pick in a 4-player draft. David Stern tried to assign this pick to the Golden State Warriors out of habit, but Paul Tagliabue had to step in and correct him. Bucs coach Jon Gruden has tried selling everyone on his desire for a quarterback this year, bringing Jerry Rice, US Magazine, the Beckhams, and a film crew to a “private” workout for Aaron Rodgers. Gruden did everything short of jump out of a cake to attract attention to Rodgers’ workout, which makes his interest appear to be more than a little fishy.
Given how smart Gruden thinks (or knows) he is, there’s no way he goes after a quarterback this year after hyping up both Rodgers and Smith. My guess is he wants a runner to complement Michael Clayton, Joey Galloway, and whichever second-generation QB they’re using this year. Drafting Benson should complete Gruden’s master plan of transforming the 2002 Super Bowl champs into the least interesting team in the league.
6) Titans – Adam “Pac Man” Jones, CB, West Virginia
History won’t remember how good the Titans of the early 21st century were, which is a shame. Tennessee came within 3 feet of winning a Super Bowl, which would have propelled Steve McNair into superstardom. But age, cap restrictions, and Ray Lewis brought the Titans’ run to a crashing halt, and now they’re trolling the NFL sewers at #6. The Titans tried to hold on too a good team for too long, which wasn’t a terrible idea, but now they’re paying the price.
Star players like Jevon Kearse, Samari Rolle, Derrick Mason, and Eddie George have moved on, leaving the Titans in shambles. Jeff Fisher must hear Al Pacino’s ‘game of inches’ speech from “Any Given Sunday” in his nightmares. The difference between the Titans going down in history as just another Super Bowl loser instead of one of the best teams of their era can be measured in a single yard. Because Tennessee kept fighting to overcome that yard, they mortgaged their future and let the salary cap paint them into a corner.
Now, McNair is one season away from a lifetime of shopping for diapers with Felipe Alou, and Keith Bulluck is the only player with All-Pro potential. The Titans need someone exciting to breathe a little life into this team, which is why Pac Man Jones is the pick here. He can cover receivers, make tackles, and return kicks, which is just what Tennessee needs. If Pac Man falls short of expectations, the Titans will find themselves picking in the top 10 for a while, and Jones will leave himself WIDE open for a never-ending barrage of “Ms. Pac Man” jokes.
7) Vikings – Mike Williams, WR, USC
If you’ve ever watched the NFL Draft, you know who Mel Kiper Jr. is. He is a giant among men, and a legend among giants. Mel Kiper Jr.’s job is to scout each and every collegiate football player who has even a chance of being drafted, and then report back to ESPN one weekend a year. There are 2 areas of life in which I blindly trust Mel Kiper’s judgement over all others: whether regular or premium gives your hair better sheen, and which college players are going to be stars in the NFL. And who does Mr. Kiper feel is the best player in the entire draft? Mike Williams, wide receiver from USC.
It just so happens that Mike Williams, wide receiver from USC, is also my favorite college player of all-time. That’s pretty significant, considering that Williams only started one season in college, and it’s even more impressive considering how much I hated USC before I saw him play. Back when the Warriors were only in Year Six of “Operation: Playoff Drought”, USC was my number one choice for college. But once they tossed my application in the circular file, I was left to choose between UC-Riverside, Tijuana State, and the Bay Area College for the Deaf (I lied on a few applications, and I’m not ashamed). Needless to say, I was a little bitter at my less-than-prestigious choices, and I channeled this disappointment into a hatred of all things USC.
But then Mike Williams came along, and he started playing like Terrell Owens did early in his career for San Francisco. Williams was bigger, stronger, and faster than any defensive back who tried to cover him, and he made the game look easy. Now he’ll fall to the 7th pick because teams are worried that his 40 time isn’t fast enough. Genius. The Vikings have already had the best offseason of any team in the league, and adding Williams is icing on the cake. Back in 1998, the Vikings drafted Randy Moss 21st overall, and he was the steal of his draft class. Moss eventually proved to be too menstrual to stick around in Minnesota, but now the Vikings can replace him with yet another draft day steal in Williams.
8) Cardinals – Cadillac Williams, RB, Auburn
Here’s a question for all you parents out there: would you rather see your daughter end up in a ‘Girls Gone Wild’ video, or have your son be drafted by the Arizona Cardinals? Either way, your kid is going to wake up face down in a Havasu motel room on the back end of a weekend bender, wondering where their money went. But while your daughter would at least have some stories to tell, your son would just be entering the beginning phases of clinical depression, having been forced to play for the league’s worst franchise.
It’s one thing for a team to to continually make stupid decisions. We’ve all been there with at least one of our teams. But if a franchise is both inept AND cheap, that’s just unforgivable. But the Cardinals are both, which puts them in a very exclusive 2-team club with the L.A. Clippers. I half expect the Cards to try and draft Larry Fitzgerald again this year. Once that doesn’t work, don’t be shocked if Cardinals officials hand Tagliabue a card with Rod Tidwell’s name on it, and once THAT doesn’t work, the pick will be Cadillac Williams.
Cadillac Williams is worth discussing here, only because of his name. He was born Carnell Williams, but everyone calls him Cadillac, which could very well be the greatest nickname since Earvin Johnson became Magic. If it weren’t for Magic, Earvin Johnson would be remembered with guys like Oscar Robertson, great players whose shine is dulled with the passing of each season. Instead, Magic Johnson will go down in the annals of history with Dick “Nightrain” Lane, players whose greatness is conveyed through their name alone. Even before looking at his numbers, you know Dick “Night Train” Lane was a great player. You know Magic Johnson was a great player. And years from now, even if you know nothing else about the man, you’ll know that Cadillac Williams was a great player. Even if he did play for the Cardinals.
9) Redskins – Antrel Rolle, CB, Miami
If there’s one thing Redskins owner Daniel Snyder loves, it’s a big name. Just like the newbie owner in your fantasy league, Snyder is drawn to recognizable names like a fly to stink. In his short time as owner of the Skins, Snyder has continually overpaid for players past their prime (Deion Sanders, Jesse Armstead, etc.), but has never made the playoffs. And while Snyder hasn’t changed his starstruck ways, he has at least gotten smarter about it. In the past year, Washington has traded for University of Miami alumni Clinton Portis and Santana Moss. In the NFL, there are certainly worse strategies for building a team than stockpiling old Miami Hurricanes.
Expect Snyder’s Redskins to continue the trend and pick Miami cornerback Antrel Rolle, which is actually the smart choice at number 9. The Redskins are still recovering from the Steve Spurrier Era, which saw Washington come away from 2 years worth of drafts with Patrick Ramsey, Ladell Betts, and Taylor Jacobs, while trading star running back Stephen Davis to Carolina. In terms of screwing your ex-boss, only Phil Jackson and Tony Montana can say they did a better job than Spurrier.
10) Lions – Derrick Johnson, LB, Texas
The conventional thinking here is that the Lions will pick a defensive player, if only so that quarterback Joey Harrington will have someone to throw to in practice. Bah-zing!
And with that, I’m gonna make like George Costanza and leave on a high note. Enjoy the draft, and don’t forget to tip your waitresses.
