The Apocalypse is Near

The higher Gods of Sport have been telling us that the end is near.

Stop laughing, I’m serious…the apocalypse is upon us.

Consider for a moment the circumstances and facts, which I choose to call signs, of the last couple of weeks.

Most recently we as a nation have, as close as I can tell, re-elected the Prince of Darkness to the office of President.  By the way, the folks in England, who have always thought that we were idiots, now have a justification that isn’t solely based on the fact that we call rugby football.  This global blunder has left the gods upset, you see they have been sending signs and are dumbfounded that they have been missed, I must admit, I myself missed them…but my eyes are wide open now!!  Please allow me to witness to you brothers and sisters, behold the signals of the almighty.

(Cue any song from Depeche Mode’s 1990 album Violator)

On Sunday afternoon the Washington Redskins lost to the Green Bay Packers.  Historically, since 1933 to be exact, when the Skins have lost a home game on the Sunday preceding an election the incumbent president has lost.  This year’s election was the first to defy this trend, not surprising the prince of darkness was the first incumbent to pull this off.  

Speaking of pulling one off…does anybody remember that fiasco during the last election back in 2000?  Remember how Florida just flips flopped like Namath’s leg until finally The Dark Overlord won?  That cataclysmic event has never been forgotten by the sports gods…you see the mystical overseers of sport like to make right scores that have been incorrectly tallied.  Remember when the Russians beat the United States in Basketball back in the early 80’s?  Well eventually the entire Soviet Republic came tumbling down, but before that happened the Dream Team starring Bird, Johnson, Jordan, Malone et al was sent from on high to administer a king size ass whoopin’ to the world….the crowning work of the Sports Gods.

The score has never been made right since Florida threw the 2000 presidential election and I believe the Gods of Major Sport have conspired to send us indications that this deed shall not go unpunished.

In the NFL a clear omen was presented…the Skins lost.  But more pointedly than just a loss, look at the performance of Skins running back Clinton Portis.  Portis was carrying the pigskin in Miami back in 2000 when the cursed state of Florida climbed into cahoots with He That Carries the Souls of the Damned.  On Sunday Portis had a less than heavenly day gaining only 70 total yards and scoring no touchdowns.  Javon Walker of the Packers, a receiver at FSU in 2000, did manage to score a touchdown but also fumbled and was well under his average in reception yards.  The NFL Almighty made their point well.  

The Lords of NCAA Football spoke equally as loud in their damnation.  In opening the second seal of the apocalypse every Division One football program in the state of Florida lost last weekend.  This includes Florida, Florida State, and Miami a feat that hasn’t happened on any weekend in recent memory.  Furthermore, with the exception of the Gators they all lost to unranked opponents equally unheard of.  I think I also saw a Harlot riding a Two-Headed Demon on the field after the game.    

The All-Powerful Godheads of the NHL made the ultimate sacrifice.  It appears that there will be no professional Hockey in this country as long as the Black One clutches the reigns of power.  Their conviction is so strong,  the Evil One will not even attempt to intervene…in both the Baseball Strike in ’94 and the Football strike of ’82 the United States Government in some way encouraged a reconciliation.    

The NBA Divinity has only begun to speak their message.  In the young NBA season, one sign can be seen clearly.  The Los Angeles Clippers have a better record than the Los Angeles Lakers…and I think I saw it raining snakes at the Staples Center this morning.

If these Gods spoke their messages the most emphatically, then the Supreme Beings of Baseball were most prophetic.  Consider the case of the Red Sox.  These destined warriors ascended to the top of the mountain attaining Baseball’s most coveted jewel, the World Series Championship.  Despite what many think this miraculous act did not occur in order to reverse some imagined curse of a fat man.  Rather this team was propelled on this journey solely for the purpose of appearing on the highest rated stage in the world so that millions could see exactly what the Makers of Baseball wanted them to see…Curt Schilling’s Sock.  Hang with me.  If you looked closely you would see cutaway shots of Schilling’s sock.  As a result of somewhat divinely inspired surgical work, Schilling’s ankle was held together so that he could pitch another game yes…but more importantly so that he could send a beacon.  Like the nuns seen crying blood Schilling’s sock was a prophesy.  Early in the game you could see a blood stain that slightly resembled the shape of the state of Florida.  As the game went on the shape began to look more like Iowa.  By the time Curt had finished his night on the mound the shape had transformed and looked like Ohio.  Yet again the state of Florida has been presented; it then transformed itself into the images of Iowa and Ohio. Ohio was the 2004 electoral version of 2000 Florida with shady dealings and delayed counts.  Iowa was a state that went for Gore in 2000 but went to the Cloven Hoofed one in 2004.  The 27 electoral college votes that these states represent would have swung the vote the other way.

Mock me if you like.  Scoff at my warnings.  You will heed them in time.  Steve Spurrier has declined invitations from Florida to resume as their head coach…the pain in Florida continues.  Several members of the Philadelphia Eagles went on the campaign trail…selling their souls to the Junior Succubus, I fully expect the Steelers to hand this team their first loss in the coming week.  The NHL shows no signs of ceasing their hunger strike…it could well kill professional hockey in this country.  The Clippers show every sign of outdoing the Lakers this year…repent now….the end is near.