A Fool’s Paradise: Sidney Ponson Leaves Aruba

I can’t think of too many things that would be sweeter than being a professional baseball player, but one of them would definitely be being a professional baseball player and living in the Caribbean paradise of Aruba.

Then again, if you believe Baltimore Orioles pitcher Sidney Ponson, maybe it’s not so sweet at all.
Ponson is an Aruba native, and was decorated as a knight of the Order of the Dutch Royal House for his success in baseball.  Ironically, it is Ponson’s celebrity status that led him to allegedly punch a local judge at an Aruba beach party on Christmas Day, merely 3 weeks ago.

The hefty, oft malcontented pitcher is now vowing to leave Aruba permanently, citing an inability to tolerate the attention, both positive and negative, that he receives on the island.

Truthfully, I want to rip Ponson, who reported to training camp before the 2004 season at an unbelievable 266 pounds.  However, spending a week in an Aruban prison as his holiday season wind down, would make just about anybody want to get the heck out of Dodge.

Ponson has been very vocal about his displeasure with his countrymen and women, saying “People think I have to talk to them for hours.  I go to a restaurant, I need to talk to 100 people.”  Hey Aruba, what were you thinking?!  One look at Sidney will tell you the man obviously doesn’t like to talk while he’s eating.

But all jokes aside, I don’t have a problem with a man wanting to move his home for the purpose of comfort and safety, I just hope he’s not making a rash decision out of his clear passion for Cracker Barrel Country Buffets, of which he will likely find many more near his new Florida home, than he would have in Aruba.

Of course, he will have to return to face his assault charge, a reality that may be all the more unpleasant for Ponson, considering he accidentally assaulted a judge.  Woops! (That’s so ridiculous to me, I wanted to be sure to mention it twice).

The point is (I know you were waiting) that Ponson has, I think, officially solidified his spot on the pitching staff of the Major League Baseball’s all-dolt team.  And now that we’ve established that, it becomes a lot easier to sardonically marvel at his impressive off-season workout regimen (which is why he was in Aruba in the first place) that had the 6’1” 28 year old all the way down to 248 pounds.

But if you’re an O’s fan, or for some reason, a Sidney fan, don’t worry.  Ponson, who made $3 million dollars last season and is due a pay increase this year, has some encouraging words for those in his corner.

“I’m ready to rock,” Ponson promises.

Let’s see: Aruba beach parties, jail, binge eating, and millions of dollars?  

Rock on Sidney, rock on.