[Ed note: From our friends at Sports Pickle comes a sad tale of mistaken identity.]
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick spoke out to the press today, disclosing that his close friend Ron Mexico not only has genital herpes, but gonorrhea, too, and asked that if anyone has any penicillin or other antibiotics, to please make them available so he can pass them along to Mexico."My friend Ron Mexico – who many people confuse with me because we look a lot alike – is going through some tough times right now," said Vick. "This one girl in Atlanta – who I don’t know at all, but I can tell you is a lying, cheating, slut – is accusing him of knowingly giving her herpes. First of all, I can tell you that she’s full of crap and nothing she says is true. Second of all, the lawsuit is the least of my – I mean Ron’s – worries, because he thinks has gonorrhea now, too, on top of his herpes. It’s really, really nasty down there."
Vick said he has come forward in hopes of getting Mexico the treatment he has long-needed for his herpes and gonorrhea.
"It’s tough for Ron to get tested and treated for this stuff because he looks so much like me and when he goes to the doctor, people don’t believe that his name is really Ron Mexico and not Michael Vick," said Vick. "That’s why I’m making a public plea for antibiotics, because he needs them badly. Trust me on this. His junk is really disgusting right now. Open sores all over the place, stuff oozing everywhere – it’s nasty. Simply disgusting. If anyone can give me something to treat this, I’ll be sure to give it to Ron so he can get fixed up."
Vick says he is excited to learn that gonorrhea can be cured, unlike genital herpes.
"From what Ron tells me and what I’ve read on the Internet, gonorrhea can be cured, am I right? I really hope so. You know, for Ron’s sake," said Vick. "But that’s why I’m here asking for antibiotics. If I take them for a week or so, everything should go away, correct? No more discharges or anything … for Ron? It’ll stop stinging when I pee, right? And, oh yeah – I’m really pissed at whoever it was that gave Ron this gonorrhea."
According to Vick, Mexico has been taking Valtrex to help control his herpes symptoms and to lessen the chance of transmission during sex.
"To the ladies of Atlanta and all of America, please know that Ron Mexico is on Valtrex and that the chances of you getting herpes from him now are quite slim," said Vick. "And as for me, Michael Vick, who is in no way Ron Mexico, I don’t have any herpes or gonorrhea, so feel free to get with me as you see fit. And Ron’s gonorrhea will be gone once he gets on some antibiotics."
During the press conference, Vick also addressed reports that he – and not his supposed friend Ron Mexico – has been sued by an Atlanta woman for knowingly giving her genital herpes, as well as the claim that he used the alias "Ron Mexico" for herpes testing and treatment.
"Yeah, that’s all a big misunderstanding," said Vick. "Ron and I are two totally different people. For instance, I play quarterback in the NFL and Ron does not, whereas he has genital herpes and I definitely do not. See? Two totally different people. The only similarity between us if that we look a lot alike. That’s probably how this whole lawsuit mishap came about. And lucky for me I don’t have herpes, huh? Because how embarrassing would that be for me to have the whole country know about it – with thousands of opposing fans taunting me for the rest of my career, women avoiding me in clubs, endorsers leaving me `cause of my STD-ridden body. Yeah, that would definitely be no good for my career. Luckily, Ron Mexico is the one with the herpes and gonorrhea and not me."
[Ed note: This of course, is a work of satire.]
