J.J. Redick Glad Hecklers Don

[ed note: just in time for the March Madness comes this great story from Sports Pickle for everyone who hates Duke.]

In an interview with ESPN on Sunday night in which J.J. Redick discussed how he has dealt with being the most hated player in college basketball, the Duke guard also talked about a personal secret he’s glad his hecklers are not aware of: his tiny, one-and-a-half inch penis.
“Opposing team’s fans can taunt me all they want. They can say that I suck or that I’m gay or whatever,” said Redick, “but it doesn’t affect me because I know it’s not true. But if the people who hate me ever got wind of the fact that I have a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty little weener, I’m sure I’d never hear the end of it – and it would hurt me to the core because it’s true.”

Redick says he has gone to extremes to hide his unflattering penis size throughout his career, never showering with the rest of his team and always having a towel at hand in the locker room.

“It’s not that I don’t trust my teammates, it’s just that that kind of thing gets out and I’m sure it would somehow make it to some Maryland fans and the next thing I’d hear them yelling is: ‘J.J. Two Inch’ or ‘One J for Each Inch’ or something,” said Redick. “I don’t know, I’m not really good at coming up with taunts, obviously. Although if they called me ‘Two Inch’ it would actually be kind of flattering, since I’m barely one-and-a-half.”

His newborn-like size has also caused him to take precautions in other areas, as well.

“I’m a virgin, which is another thing I wouldn’t want those hecklers to know about,” said Redick. “I tell myself it’s because I want to wait until I’m married, but it’s really because I fear having some girl that I really like pointing and laughing at my naked body.”

Redick disclosed that his miniature penis doesn’t even have girth going for it.

“Unfortunately, no,” he said. “It kind of looks like a pinky hanging out of there. You know, if you have a really short pinky. But widthwise, it’s exactly like a pinky. Almost.”

The junior said he has recurring nightmares in which his shorts are pulled off during a scrum for the ball and an arena full of people see him naked from the waist down. Only they don’t realize he’s naked and assume he’s just wearing flesh-colored underwear because his penis is too small to see.

“That’s why I tie my shorts really tight before each game,” said Redick. “I’d die if that happened or if anyone outside of this room ever heard about any of this.”

Redick also showed a sensitive side of himself in the interview, explaining his love for writing poetry and even going as far as sharing some verses of his own.

One such poem, called “My Almost 1.5 Incher,” was broadcast by ESPN in its entirety:

My penis is very small
Yet I stand tall
Knocking down threes
Though I have to use tweezers when I pees
Rising above to hit another jumper
My opponents unaware that I’m hung like Thumper
Starring in the NBA is my next jump
Then I’ll be able to afford a top-of-the-line Swedish penis pump