Mr. Paul’s Escape

The sun is about to set on the NFL commissioner’s reign.

For the National Football League, an era is quickly ending. And for the commissioner, Paul Tagliabue, retirement can’t come soon enough. While he managed to avoid any strikes over 18 seasons (or do they prefer ‘work stoppage’), there were still plenty of lawsuits, subpoenas and various other legal headaches to keep even the biggest law firms busy.

Amazing then that through it all, games were still played. And having plowed his way through every last problem, Mr. Paul deserves his due. No need asking how he plans to spend retirement. But chances are good he’ll go out on a limb and do something wild and crazy, like reread Homer’s Odyssey.

Though it never intends to, sometimes the NFL finds itself providing us comic relief. And that can take some doing during an offseason usually reserved for quarterbacks falling off motorcycles or receivers complaining about a contract. Word out of league offices is that interviews are already underway for the next commissioner. It’s just as well Homer has been dead for a couple thousand years. He might’ve been considered for the job and had to rename his novel The Ordeal.

Please try to contain your laughter when we report both Al Davis and Jerry Jones are included in the search committee. It’s like trying to join the circus and your interview is being done by Pickles or Buttons the clown. Granted, neither Al nor Jerry is likely to spray water from a flower in your face, but somewhere down the line, you may have to separate them in yet another battle, that of the legal rather than pie throwing variety. Luckily the Raiders and Cowboys meet on the field only every couple of years.

So you’d like to take a crack at the job? That you’re commissioner material? Hand over your resume please. Hmm, interesting. You were a Bus. Ad. major at Marquette University, with a background in law, have excellent communication skills and are sure you can make the league millions in profits?

Wonderful, there’s the door. Don’t let it or the goal posts hit you on the way out. It sounded impressive but for that last comment you had to toss in. This isn’t 1976. Today the league measures its success in billions, which you’d better be able to produce.

It would figure all the potential candidates have a career in either law or finance. If you care to elicit a few laughs, slip into the corporate offices and remind everyone within earshot that Pete Rozelle was still only 33 when he took over the helm. Odds of that happening again are worse than hitting the $300 million lottery which, we should add, still wouldn’t be enough to buy you an NFL franchise.

Just once it’d be nice to have a commissioner who came off as a regular guy, a fan. You could picture him sitting back in his easy chair beside his favorite beverage and wondering aloud why the Jets left tackle always gets beat or how come the Bucs are so awful on third down conversions.

Several names are under consideration, including Mayo Shattuck. And with a name like that he should be crossed off the list, no matter how qualified. To think it would have to be imprinted on every NFL ball? Perish the thought!

Life was, without a doubt, much simpler 35 years ago. The Cowboys Duane Thomas shut his mouth as he pouted in public about a raise he felt he deserved. That raise likely wouldn’t even pay for the owners lunch buffet at their next meeting. Someone’s likely to get indigestion. So just remember – hold the Mayo.