Final Score: Auld Onion Bag 1 – Football Commentary 0

There is a growing force of football fans mobilizing to rid the American soccer scene of Tommy Smyth, the “auld onion wind-bag.” Reading about the discontent that is an international phenomenon, some might argue that his name could well be changed to: “Tommy Smyth – with a why won’t he shut the hell up.” Americans may think he is “quaint,” but the rest of the footballing universe thinks he is a twit.It is unfair to drag a knowledgeable commentator like Derek Rae into this, but to be honest, listening to Smyth butcher real commentary with his ill-timed interjections makes watching any game on ESPN painful. Hitting the mute button proves even more infuriating as fans are still left to ponder the weight of his views in closed caption. ESPN cannot possibly be that hard up for good color men, even if it is the other, other, other American sport. Perhaps Disney can persuade Berman to take a pay cut and then air a segment of Dream Job to find Smyth’s replacement. Just a thought.

Some Americans are quick to point to snobbish Eurocentric thinking regarding cultural differences (even if he is Irish) in sports commentary. But ask your average die-hard Steelers fan if he wants an Englishman offering opinions during his Sunday games, and – apart from getting a thick ear for your trouble – you will see the hypocrisy of that argument. When it comes to those in the English-speaking footballing world, there is a general consensus that, for intelligent, thoughtful commentary people it is a British accent they will trust, not the garbled, breathy opinions that Tommy Smyth offers every two minutes.

And he is far from harmless. He does the profession a grave disservice every time he gets a player’s name wrong. And more often than not, he gets them wrong many times over in a single game. His take on coaches’ tactics and substitutions makes some fans wonder if he truly knows that little about the sport. Smyth’s analysis of referees’ decisions has some soccer aficionados questioning (a) if he has played competitively in the last fifty years, (b) if he has a mild case of ADD, and (c) if he is watching the game through an aquarium.

It is even obvious to the untrained ear that the pauses after Smyth talks on air are proof that his co-commentator, Derek Rae, questions his views. Smyth never fails to amaze with his “educated” opinions.

Colloquial catch phrases are great and they make for a recognizable brand, but this one is terrible. The term “old onion bag” and the “bulging” thereof have explored many new, exciting and up-to-date derivatives since the 1930’s. Perhaps taking a few minutes out of his busy schedule – or between pontificating on his vast knowledge of the beautiful game – Smyth might take the time to explore a few and maybe cycle them into his vocabulary. This might do wonders for his somewhat beleaguered reputation.

But until such time as the football gods catch wind of the dissatisfaction Mr. Smyth is stirring amongst their subjects, his will be the opinions taken as gospel. But the mob is growing and the torches are already lit.