19 Simple Ways to Live the Life of a "Singleton"

By Rob LaBrie

While baseball (or football depending how you look at it) may be America’s national past time at the pro level, golf is becoming America’s “Every Man” game.  Ever since the emergence of Tiger Woods made golf cool again, people all over the country have been picking up the game.  I, myself, am an avid golfer.  I take my 10-handicap to my local golf course, Beaver Meadow, almost everyday during the summer.  There’s just something about being around good people, nature, and the relaxing atmosphere that makes the game irresistible.  

Unfortunately, every once in a while you come across someone that nobody wants to play with.  Becoming one of these “Singletons” is actually very easy.  Just follow this simple advice and you won’t be playing with other humans for a long time.
1.    Talk during your playing partner’s backswing.  They certainly won’t mind sacrificing their game for a good conversation.  You could also try zipping your bag, jingling coins, or putting clubs away while your partner is in their backswing.

2.    If you’re a sod farmer, don’t replace your divots.  Why waste the time?

3.    Don’t fix ball marks on the green.  It’s just another waste of time.

4.    (Here’s one for everybody) When you drive by the course, honk your horn or yell out, “FORE!”  Golfers love to know you care.

5.    When you lose a bet, don’t pay or make your partner ask you for the money over and over.  

6.    When you win a bet, make sure your partner knows about it by telling him every chance you get for the rest of your lives.  Also, never buy the loser a drink after the round; they need to know their place.

7.    Throw a club… anywhere, anytime, for any reason.

8.    Pick up a three-foot-putt and call it a “gimme” without being told it’s okay.

9.    Take a mulligan after every bad shot.  Your buddies love watching you play twice.

10.    Hit your partner’s ball, and then laugh about it without apologizing.

11.    When you’re the last guy on the green, don’t put the flag back in.  This is a good way to get balls hit into the back of your head and it makes your whole group look ignorant.

12.    If you’re a 50-year-old drunk, be sure to hit on the hot, 19-year-old, Swedish girl running the snack cart, so none of the eligible young men in your group have a prayer.

13.    (This one’s dedicated to my buddy Travis) If you’re in a best-ball tournament, miss a birdie putt by about half an inch, then hit the ball away from the cup without finishing the hole, therefore forcing your team to take a 9 on the hole and be basically eliminated from the tournament.  Your partner will thank you, Travis.

14.    If you are a better player than your partner, give them tips before and after every shot.  Everyone loves criticism.

15.    If your playing partner is better than you are, ask them for help in between every shot.  Ask them how you are doing when you are addressing the ball.  Then drill them on what you did wrong as soon as the ball begins its downward descent into the lake or woods.

16.    Don’t turn off your cell phone or put it on vibrate.  Your partner will love a little “Smoke on the Water” in their backswing.

17.    When playing a casual round, call minor rules violations whenever you get the chance.

18.    Hit your ball into the group ahead of you and don’t yell fore.  If you don’t care enough, you’ll leave your whole group in an awkward position.

19.    After the round, go over every good shot you made.  Example: “Remember my drive on 12 when my ball almost went 300 yards… damn wind was like a brick wall.  Oh yeah, remember that shot on 4 when I almost had a hole-in-one… I had to play the 9 iron over the bunker, through two branches, put a slight fade on it and take an easy swing.  If it weren’t for that gopher screwing up the vibration on the green I would’ve had it.  Remember that shot on 7…”

Happy golfing everyone… hope to see you on the links.