by Matt Wells
I’ll admit it: I’m on board with Tebow Mania; I drank the Kool-Aid and joined the Cult of Tebow. I’m a general football fan with no real favorite team, but I became a Broncos fan when Tebow became the team’s starting QB halfway through the 2011 season. I was thrilled when he led the comeback over the Miami Dolphins in Week 7. I was as excited as Tebow was when he threw the game-winning touchdown in the playoff win over Pittsburgh, and I turned the TV off when Denver was losing to the Patriots by 117 points at halftime in the AFC Divisional Playoffs.
For reasons that have unfolded over the last 24 hours, I choose not to root for the Denver Broncos this coming season. Even when Denver was winning, you could tell John Elway was uncomfortable with the direction his franchise was heading. I can see Elway’s point of view; he didn’t draft Tebow, the previous regime did. However, you could at least feign a little interest when your team is doing well. Elway failed to do that.
I feel bad for Tebow and hate the way the organization has treated him. Yes, I get it. Peyton Manning is coming. A “real” QB. He’s someone who will be able to complete more than 60% of his passes. Tebow could still end up in Denver as Manning’s backup, but that’s unlikely. Tebow got the short end of the stick, and since I drank the Tebow Kool-Aid (and will continue to once he reaches his new destination), I believe Tebow Time can still exist for each of the other 31 NFL organizations. Let’s get to it!
New England Patriots: CORNER/SAFETY. Coach Bill Belichick has a way with using different players in different situations and schemes. It worked for Julian Edelman. Imagine this: Patriots holding on to a 1 point lead…Manning drives the Broncos down the field…his pass is picked off by Tebow. What we would endure next would be pandemonium.
New York Jets: PUBLIC RELATIONS. Say what you will about Mark Sanchez, but his stats weren’t that bad last season. The problem is his leadership and his inability to say the right thing (just like his coach). Insert Tebow. Tebow would twist the words of Sanchez and Rex Ryan into positives. Heck, even if Tebow just repeats Rex Ryan’s rants, they come off better. Oh, Rex Ryan stupidly predicted a Super Bowl win? Oh, but it came from the mouth of Tebow? Well, he’s likeable, so all is forgiven.
Miami Dolphins: QB. Yep, this is one of the “real” suggestions. Bring Tebow back to the state of Florida. It will re-energize a franchise that has had a miserable off-season with no Peyton Manning or Matt Flynn signings. Remember how electric Sun Life Stadium was when Tebow played there last season? How electric would it be if he was actually on the home team?
Buffalo Bills: DEFENSIVE END. We know Tebow knows how to rush with the football. How can he rush without the football? With Mario Williams on side and Tebow on the other, opposing quarterbacks could have their hands full (I’m looking at you, Brady).
Baltimore Ravens: WILDCAT QB. Remember that? The Dolphins were successful with Ronnie Brown years back. The Jets, for some reason, still use it. The Ravens could bring Tebow in to just run the Wildcat formation. This could fool defenses. Will Tebow hand it off to all-Pro running back Ray Rice? Will he run it? Will he throw it? He has decent receivers. That solid Pittsburgh defense won’t know what hit them.
Pittsburgh Steelers: BACKUP QB/SLOT WR. Remember Kordell “Slash” Stewart? Say hello to Tim “Slash” Tebow. He has enough experience at the QB position to back up Ben Rothlisberger, he has enough speed and agility to make running plays exciting, and he can replace Hines Ward as the team’s slot receiver. I shall call him “New Slash.”
Cleveland Browns: RUNNING BACK. The Browns just lost Peyton Hillis, their bruising back, during free agency. Enter Tebow, who will turn around the Browns past misfortunes into triumphs…with just his legs!
Cincinnati Bengals: TEAM CHAPLAIN. I stopped counting how many Bengals have gone to prison over the last five years. Yes, their situation has improved greatly, but the religious Tebow could be signed by Cincy to help keep the Bengals players on the straight and narrow.
Indianapolis Colts: QB. Yes, yes, we all know the Colts are drafting Andrew Luck first overall in the upcoming draft. But, just imagine the story lines for this one. Manning replaces Tebow in Denver; Tebow replaces Manning in Indy. [George Takei voice] Oh my…..
Houston Texans: DEFENSIVE END. Hey, if he can play defensive end in Buffalo, he can do it in Houston. The Texans have a huge hole with the departure of the aforementioned Mario Williams. Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips has proven he knows how to work with talent. Time to mold Tebow into the next Williams.
Tennessee Titans: DESIGNATED “HOME RUN THROWBACK” PLAYER ON KICK RETURNS. Remember the “Music City Miracle”? How would you like to see that every time the Titans take a kickoff? Tebow adds the element of surprise: he can either run the kick back or throw it across the field to activate the “Home Run Throwback” play. Opposing special teams units won’t know what’s coming.
Jacksonville Jaguars: QB. This is another “legit” one. The Jaguars need fans; their home games are getting blacked out. Enter Tebow, who returns to the state where his legend started. Fans show up, Tebow helps the team win four more games than they did the previous year, and everyone is happy. Everyone except Blaine Gabbert, probably.
Oakland Raiders: DEFENSIVE BACK. If he can play in the secondary in New England, he can do it in Oakland. The Raiders have lost Nnamdi Asomugha and Stanford Routt to free agency in each of the last two years. Plus, Tebow will get his revenge on Peyton Manning by intercepting his passes for two games each season.
Kansas City Chiefs: ENDZONE PAINTER. Remember the guy in the Snickers commercial who misspelled “Chiefs” in the endzone? Tebow seems like a smart kid, so I don’t think the Chiefs would ever have that problem again. “Hey, that’s great, but who are the ‘Chefs’?”
San Diego Chargers: GOAL-LINE RUNNING BACK. With Mike Tolbert getting signed by the Carolina Panthers, the Chargers need a new goal-line running back. This keeps Ryan Mathews healthy and Tebow, who has shown a knack for running in two-point conversions, gets the TDs. Win-win.
Dallas Cowboys: FOURTH QUARTER QB. Current quarterback Tony Romo seems to play well through three quarters, then collapses in the fourth. Tebow falls apart in the first three quarters, then explodes in the fourth. Solution: have Romo play the first three quarters with Tebow closing it out. Tebow could be the Mariano Rivera to Romo’s C.C. Sabathia.
New York Giants: MASCOT. The New York Football Giants do not have a mascot. Tebow could dress up as “Goliath,” the team’s new mascot. It serves three purposes: 1) “Goliath” is a synonym for “Giant”, 2) being defending Super Bowl champs, the Giants are the “Goliaths” of the league, and 3) “Goliath” is a well-known name from The Bible, a book Tebow has probably heard of before.
Washington Redskins: RUNNING BACK. If there’s one thing coach Mike Shanahan can do, it’s turn an ordinary runner into an elite running back. The Redskins, who have had 249 different starting running backs over the last two years, have room for one more. Under Shanahan’s system, Tebow could probably rush for over 1,000 yards and take some pressure off of (presumed) rookie QB Robert Griffin III.
Philadelphia Eagles: EAGLES FAN. I thought long and hard about this. The Eagles fan base has booed Santa Claus and cheered/jeered an almost-paralyzed Michael Irvin. If Tebow were a backup QB, he would get booed when he failed. If he were the mascot..booed. PA announcer: booed when he would congratulate an opposing player on a nice play over the loud speaker. Scoreboard operator: booed if he screwed up. Ticket Taker: booed when he took too long to check tickets. How do you beat an Eagles fan? Join ’em!!!
Detroit Lions: NDAMUKONG SUH ADVISER. Suh is a terrific player but he has a bad reputation, especially after the Thanksgiving Day stomp game versus Green Bay last year. Enter the gentle Tebow, who will teach Suh the path to self-preservation and respect for others. Suh is still a beast on the field, mind you, but he’s more aware of his surroundings and his bad rep does a 180.
Green Bay Packers: TOUCHDOWN DANCE COORDINATOR. Look, we all got sick of the “Discount Double Check” thanks to the State Farm commercials airing 422 times per NFL game. Aaron Rodgers needs a new endzone celebration. Forget the “Discount Double Check.” Rodgers won’t “Tebow” either. I don’t know what the in-between is (a “Discount Double Check” on one knee?), but I’m sure the collective heads of Rodgers and Tebow could figure it out.
Minnesota Vikings: CONTRACTOR. The Vikings need a new stadium and have talked with the city of Minnesota regarding how, when, and where one can be built. If Tebow is put in place as contractor, and the new stadium is the best in the NFL, the new Vikings stadium will be called “The House That Tebow Built.”
Chicago Bears: ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER. The Bears fired old GM Jerry Angelo after the 2011 season. New GM Phil Emery might still be learning the ropes. You know how the saying goes: “two heads is better than one.”
New Orleans Saints: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR. The Saints are getting bad publicity nowadays because of the bounty scandal. Hire good-guy Tebow to be the new D-Coordinator, and those bad images melt away. The Saints defensive players play fairly, they treat others with more respect and BOOM, they’re back in everyone’s good graces.
Carolina Panthers: GOAL-LINE QB. Cam Newton is the fresh young face of the franchise. The Panthers do not want him doing his best impression of Superman every time the offense gets the ball down to the 2. Enter Tebow, who will get your nitty-gritty TDs, while adding even more excitement than Newton. Sure, the Panthers just signed Mike Tolbert, but he’s not as exciting as Tebow.
Tampa Bay Bucs: QUARTERBACKS COACH. Tim Tebow threw six interceptions in 272 pass attempts this past season. Josh Freeman threw 22 picks in 551 attempts. That’s a ratio of 45 passes per INT for Tebow; 25 passes per INT for Freeman. Sure, 2011 was probably an anomaly for Freeman, but bringing in Tebow to help him couldn’t hurt. And, if Freeman continues to fail, I know where the Bucs could find a new QB.
Atlanta Falcons: TOUCHDOWN DANCE COORDINATOR. The “Dirty Bird” is so 1990s. A new TD celebration, brought to you by the guy who invented “Tebowing,” is more appropriate. Just don’t use the football as a prop…that’s a 15-yard penalty.
San Francisco 49ers: YES MAN. If Alex Smith leaves town because he’s miffed about the way the organization treated him, the Niners could sign Tebow. But, here are the facts: coach Jim Harbaugh is scary. Having Randy Moss yelling at you when you’re not throwing it to him is even scarier. All of this would turn Tebow into a “yes man.” “Yes, Randy, I promise to throw more to you.” Who would you rather have yelling at you?
St. Louis Rams: ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR. Gregg “Bounty” Williams is the new D-Coordinator for the Rams. But, will the players respect him? Enter Tebow, who has the league’s respect. Williams designs the plays and Tebow calls them out. This way Williams’ past is overshadowed by the awesomeness with which Tebow calls out his plays. All is forgiven, because you can’t get mad at Tebow. Right?
Arizona Cardinals: WILDCAT QB. Tebow has experience at the QB position. Running back Beanie Wells has not lived up to the expectations he had coming out of college, and Ryan Williams might still be rusty after missing all of last year with an injury. Tebow adds depth to the running game and can become the starting QB if Kevin Kolb continues to struggle.
Seattle Seahawks: ETERNAL RAY OF SUNSHINE. As most of you may know, it rains a lot in Seattle. Tim Tebow is so positive and energetic, he can be the sunshine for everyone on the cloudiest of days. No need to carry your umbrella today; Tebow is in town.
With the Broncos signing of Peyton Manning, it is almost certain that Tim Tebow is on the move. Where he goes is anyone’s guess, though some teams are being mentioned more than others. I do know this: where Tebow goes, I go. And whatever happens, it will surely be “Tebow Time” somewhere.
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