Philadelphia Phillies

Dear America, welcome to the Phillies bandwagon

Are you undecided on whom to root for in the 2009 World Series? Well, I’m here to tell you that the Phillies should be your team — for the next week or so at least.

Around here, we don’t take kindly to bandwagon jumpers. The thinking goes that if you haven’t suffered through the misery that is being a Philly sports fan, we don’t really want you celebrating the triumph of a championship. But that was during The Drought.

After carrying around the Championship belt for a full year, we feel (and this is a one time only offer) we can be magnanimous and offer fans of all teams a seat on the bandwagon this year. Yes, even you, Mets fans.

The Team

It’s not so much that New York has a store-bought team (hey, they’re just playing by the rules), it’s the fact that their acquired players are contemptible — a grocery cart full of overrated chokers (Swisher, Teixeira), jackasses (Joba, Cabrera), traitors/sellouts (Johnny Damon), and A-Rods (A-Rod).

Let’s focus on A-Rod for a second. Steroids aside, do you really want to root for a guy who, every time he steps up the plate, looks like he graduated from the Joey Tribbiani school of “hey who farted” acting? His handlers must have told A-Rod that the best way to feign determination and focus at the plate is to squint his eyes and purse his purple lips (what the… is that lip gloss?) for the camera.

It’s utterly ridiculous. If ever there was someone that needed to be smacked, it’s A-Rod. For so many many reasons. Including ruining Kate Hudson. Shameful, really.

Who is there to hate on the Phillies? If you’re a Mets fan, you might tire of J-Roll. And for some unfathomable reason, Dodgers fans hate Shane Victorino. But other than that, the lineup consists of hardworking position players and pitchers who never show up the opponent and who play with a team first mentality. Is there anyone on the Phillies you wouldn’t want on your team if it was an upgrade?

The Tradition

Do you really want to see another World Championship by a team that has won 26 of them already? Everyone knows the team has won 26 already because their fans (more on them next) will cite that number repeatedly as they desperately cling onto the previous century’s accomplishments. I prefer to cite the losses to the Marlins and the Diamondbacks. Now those were good times.

Curt Schilling might be the biggest blowhard in the history of baseball (I’m surprised he wasn’t a Yankee actually), but he was spot on when he said mystique and aura were just dancers at a night club. There was a time when the Yanks pinstripes were good for two wins in a series because of the intimidation factor. But those days are long gone, even if Yankees fans pretend that it still exists.

The Fans

OK. I’ll admit that Philly fans aren’t the most genteel people in the world. And percentage wise, I will guess that we have just as many ridiculous, idiotic, and trashy fans as they have in the Bronx. So let’s call that a wash.

But what we don’t have is the phony fans. When was the last time you saw anyone famous at a Phillies game who didn’t have ties to the city? When was the last time you met a lifelong Phillies fan that cheered for them because “they were really good when I was growing up.”

Phillies fan are Phillies fans for no apparent good reason other than they were born into it. No one thinks, “hey, I’m gonna root for this team, they’re well on their way to 10,000 losses!”

Meanwhile, the vast majority of the Yankees fans you meet would never pass the Rules and Regulations of a True Yankees fan. Phony celebrities. Phony mayors. Phony Yankees fans from everywhere but NYC. All despicable. I’ll bet you dollars to donuts they also root for the Lakers, the Cowboys and… well, nobody watches hockey.

And if the Yankees win, you can be sure they’ll be citing 27 World Series championships as if they could even name a player from the lean years not named Jeter or Rivera. Think of it this way: if you’re not a fan of either team, would you rather deal with the Phillies fan at your office who will bask in victory for a week or deal with the obnoxious Yankees fan in your office constantly harping about the return to glory of the Yankees? Trust me, there’s no comparison. A World Series last year has made us much nicer people. Meanwhile, the Yankee fan is as annoying as ever.

(Mets fans: I know we don’t like each other. I know J-Roll called your team out in the victory parade last year. But do you really want to deal with your idiot neighbor and his new pink Derek Jeter jersey gloating for a whole year? Phillies fans can mostly be avoided. Obnoxious Yankee fans, much like diarrhea at Taco Bell, cannot.)

Let’s Go Phillies!

I believe the old saying goes: Rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the computer. And if there isn’t one, there should be.

No truer words were ever spoken. There really is no choice, America. The Phillies are the people’s champion. Come on aboard.

By Vin

Vin is a Philly boy who shouldn't be invited into your house because he'll judge you on your book and music collection. He owns Dawkins, Utley, Iverson, and Lindros jerseys, which is all you really need to know about him. He can be reached at [email protected]

4 replies on “Dear America, welcome to the Phillies bandwagon”

I know I already mentioned Melky Cabrera as a jackass but I just realized last night he gets his eyebrows plucked. WTF is going on here?

For the record I am firmly aboard the Phillies bandwagon and I am eagerly awaiting Pedro’s return to the Bronx to outduel Andy Pettite tomorrow night. We’re going to party like it’s the 1999 playoffs all over again!

By the way, what the hell do you mean that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for the computer?

I did hear somewhere that rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Microsoft. Maybe that’s the analogy you were going for?

think he meant like the Artificial Intelligence of say, RBI Baseball…the one you can never beat? I think it was RBI that no matter how many runs you were up, the computer always came back to win

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