I’m grading the only way the NFL draft should be graded: based on the quality of the player’s name. As you will see, there is absolutely no bias in these ratings whatsoever.
(Go Rice Owls!)
Arizona Cardinals – Grade: C+
Adding “Beanie” Wells and LaRod Stephens-Howling is about it. Herman Johnson sounds like it should be a dirty name, but I have no idea what a Herman is. Honestly, I think I’m being a bit generous with a C+
Atlanta Falcons – Grade: A-
Peria Jerry might be the coolest name of the 1st round. They got great value selecting Lawrence Sidbury, Jr. in the 4th round. How often can you get a butler that late? The rest of the draft is mediocre, but come on, Peria Jerry alone gets them into the coveted A-range.
Baltimore Ravens – Grade: A
Two words: Lardarius Webb.
Buffalo Bills – Grade: D+
They got Nic Harris from Oklahoma and Cary Harris from USC, even though they had the chance to draft Victor Harris of Virginia Tech. I’ve seen blacker names in hockey.
Carolina Panthers – Grade: A+
This is a great collection. Corvey Irvin is fun to say, and he’s probably one of the worst. Everette Brown, Sherrod Martin, and Tony Fiammetta all were drafted by round four. Then the Panthers found late-round gems in Duke Robinson and Captain Munnerlyn. I mean, seriously, a Duke and a Captain?
Chicago Bears – Grade: B
Al Afalava is nice, and Johnny Knox is pretty baller, but the depth is seriously lacking.
Cincinnati Bengals – Grade: B-
If you have 11 picks, you should hit somewhere. Fui Vakapuna is another cute one, and I would never mess with anyone named Bernard Scott. But what kind of crap is Jonathan Luigs? Freddie Brown sounds like that kid in middle school who ends up being a mailman after flunking out of community college (no offense to either). And Rey Maualuga is not a cool name, no matter how many times I misspell it.
Cleveland Browns – Grade: A-
Mohamed Massaquoi has Larry Munson bonus points. Got to love Coye Francies. Alex Mack sounds like a center, which is nice if you are a center.
Dallas Cowboys – Grade: C
Buehler? Buehler? Buehler?
Denver Broncos – Grade: C+
Kenny McKinley is solid, and Darcel McBath makes me laugh for some reason, but too many David Bruton’s and Seth Olsen’s make this class just too dull for my tastes.
Detroit Lions – Grade: D-
Lydon Murtha is just a bad name. Sammie Lee Hill might be the winner here, and it’s hardly a winner. Still, a D- proves that the Lions are moving up.
Green Bay Packers – Grade: D+
They drafted Brad Jones, who is better known as the goalkeeper of a bad soccer team.
Houston Texans – Grade: A+++
James Casey went to Rice. I see no problem with this draft.
Indianapolis Colts – Grade: B-
Austin Collie is a mix of one of the five most liberal cities in the country and a pet dog. Fili Moala and Jerraud Powers are the only things that rescue this from D-range.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Grade: A+++
Jarrett Dillard went to Rice. I see no problem with this draft.
Kansas City Chiefs – Grade: B
They drafted South Carolina kicker Ryan Succup, who played alongside Smelley and Stoney at South Carolina. Yeah, their cornerback was stoned, their quarterback smelled, and their kicker was a suck-up.
Miami Dolphins – Grade: C-
Vontae Davis is beast. Patrick Turner, J.D. Folson, Pat White, and Chris Clemons are not. Although, Clemons is from Clemson. Try typing that three times fast.
Minnesota Vikings – Grade: A+
They only have five picks, but the Vikings understand the draft. Percy Harvin, Phil Loadholt, Asher Allen, Jasper Brinkley, and Jamarca Sanford. One of the best classes ever.
New England Patriots – Grade: B+
No one person stands out, but there’s a lot of depth here. Sebastian Vollmer, Tyrone McKenzioe, Rich Ohrnberger, Myron Pryor, and Julian Edelman are all fairly decent names.
New Orleans Saints – Grade: F
Chip Vaughn sounds like he should be a golfer. Stanley Arnoux sounds like a banker. And they only had four picks. This draft was awful.
New York Giants – Grade: B+
Ramses Barden. Jesus, an Egyptian Pharoah? They also took the aforementioned Stoner from South Carolina. Not bad.
New York Jets – Grade: D
They avoid an F only because they add to the ever-growing list of ways to spell Sean (see Shonn Greene).
Oakland Raiders – Grade: A+
Al Davis is a genius. Stryker Sulak is by far the best name in this year’s draft. Slade Norris is a very-close third. What more do you need?
Philadelphia Eagles – Grade: A-
I like the selection of Cornelius Ingram in the third round. Victor Harris sounds tough. Moise Fokou has a last name you should yell aloud whenever you have fine company around. Oh, they also got Fenuki Tupou and Paul Fanaika. But no matter how good this class is, Andy Reid will still find a way to screw it up.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Grade: A-
If I had a choice between being locked in a room with a dude named Evander Hood and hiring Mike Tyson and Michael Jackson to babysit my children, I’d look into that second, less-risky opportunity.
San Diego Chargers – Grade: C+
Gartrell is a baller first name, but Larry and Louis are not.
San Francisco 49ers – Grade: A
Mike Singletary’s first draft class is very deep. Michael Crabtree, Glen Coffee, and Ricky Jean-Francois will provide immediate dividends, but none of them stock up to TE Bear Pascoe. You find me a name that puts Bear Pascoe to shame and I’ll let your wife kick me in my groin without my jock strap.
Seattle Supersonics – Grade: Inc.
St. Louis Rams – Grade: B
If ever there was a linebacker who earned his name, it is James Laurinaitis. Brooks Foster is a mid-round steal, and Chris Ogbonnaya is a great final selection.
Tampa Bay Bucs – Grade: F-
Honestly, I don’t care who they draft, I’m still going to hate them.
Tennessee Titans – Grade: A+
They drafted Dominique Edison, who shares a last name with the most important man of the past 150 years. Sen’Derrick Marks, Gerald McRath, and James McCourtney all have more capital letters than words in their names.
Washington Redskins – Grade: C
Brian Orakpo isn’t that good of a name. Marko Mitchell redeems it.