The only thing a Redskins fan hates more than the toothless grin of a Cowboys fan is Canton, Ohio. And I know there are a lot of losers out there who are furrowing their brows in a vain attempt to understand why a Washington resident would have a grudge on this quaint city of 80,000. Well, this so called city is the home of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. As you know, the Hall of Fame holds the current record for longest bad-decision streak in Major League sports. In the past SEVEN years, the Hall of Fame selection committee has neglected to enshrine Art Monk, the gravity-defining, ever-consistent Redskins receiver that amazed us in the 80’s. Not only that, but they have let in people that are far inferior, both in skill and morality. Here, let me show you what I mean:Physically Inferior:
James Lofton – Class of 2003 – This speed demon was known for his great hands. But, in his 16 year career, he never once led the league in receptions (the closest he came with in 1980, his third year, when he tied for fifth). Art Monk, on the other hand, did it in 1984 and came in second in 1985.
John Stallworth – 2002 – “OOOOH John Stallworth! He’s so great, blah blah blah. He made that catch in the Super Bowl in `79, blah blah blah.” Shut up. He had one big play. In reality, John Stallworth averaged less yards per game than Monk (52 ypg. to 56 ypg.), as well as less yards per season (623 to 795).
Lynn Swann – 2001 – Yes, we have all seen the highlights. But I could care less. Let us look at the statistics: Swann had seventeen less touchdowns than Monk in his career, 51 to 68; His career total yards was less than half of Monk’s total, 5462 to 12721; not to mention that Monk had 600 more career receptions than Swann.
Fred Biletnikoff – 1988 – The dude only had one 1000+ yard season, compared to Monk’s five.
Charley Taylor – 1984 – The dude only had one 1000+ yard season, compared to Monk’s five.
I mean, come on. How many of these receivers retired holding the record for single season receptions (106) and the most consecutive games with a catch (183)? Only Monk. He was even the first receiver to have more than 900 catches in his career.
Morally Inferior:
Now, I won’t say I don’t drink. Like most wholesome Americans, I enjoy some Eggnog at Christmas or a handle of cheap vodka at Thanksgiving. But, drunk driving is just plain wrong. You endanger not only yourself, but every other person on the road. So you can imagine my shock to see that two Hall of Famers have been arrested for DUI’s in the past 1 ½ years, Chris Eller and Warren Moon. And while the best idea that these guys can come with is getting drunk and “driving around”, Art Monk was busy founding the Good Samaritan Foundation, a nonprofit organization in the metropolitan area that benefits and serves youth in southeast Washington, D.C., with Earnest Byner, Tim Johnson, and Charles Mann. Not only that, but they also created the Student Training Opportunity Program that trains, educates and provides opportunities for dozens of high school students who are selected to participate every year.
Closing Statements – Michael Irvin:
I still don’t understand how he got into the Hall of Fame before Art Monk did, both because of his on-field skills and numbers, as well as his off-field antics. He had less catches, less receiving yards, less yards from scrimmage, less games played, and less touchdowns then Monk. Most of his other statistics are too similar to Monk’s to give him any advantage (including three Super Bowl wins).
Now for the off-field behavior. Where should I begin? Well I guess “Drugs” is a good place to start. Let’s take a look:
1996: Arrested on charges of Cocaine and Marijuana possession
Known to regularly visit the “White House”, which was a mansion near the Dallas Cowboys training facilities where players experimented with drugs and engaged in illicit sex.
- Arrested for Cocaine possession.
- Arrested for Marijuana possession.
Now I know why the Cowboys were able to win that many Super Bowls with Irvin. It was because he could always find that last “white line” (har har). Seriously, I know it is obvious that I hate Michael Irvin like the rest of the Redskins faithful, but these on-field and off-field facts speak for themselves.
Canton, Step your game up.
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