Dallas Cowboys

Tuna finally bites on T.O. questions

Irving, TX — So, it took Bill Parcells 48 days to comment on the
acquisition of one of the most controversial professional athletes of this generation. Some want to make an issue of the fact that it took so long for Parcells to address the signing of the Cowboys’ new superstar wide receiver, Terrell Owens. But when it comes to Dallas media and the Cowboys, to say that the microscope is extremely
high powered would be a grand understatement. Show me a Cowboy beat reporter who leaves stones unturned or loose spin jobs, and I’ll show you an AM traffic reporter in Huntsville.
This is why Tuna’s tight lip toward the coming of T.O. has turned a non issue into a point of record. The soap opera down Texas way can finally begin. This is where the typical smarmy columnist such as yours truly would attempt a J.R. Ewing tie-in, but I refuse to sink to such hackneyed depths. Why? Because there is no story here. There is no soap opera. There is no controversy–yet. Big deal, it took Parcells a month and a half to go on record about Dallas bringing in Owens. What the heck did everyone expect him to say anyhow? Bill Parcells said what any head coach would in this situation. Amid a sea of popping flash bulbs and loaded questions, Parcells did the sensible thing. He opened his trusty cliché book.

Here are a few of the head coach’s comments regarding the signing of Terrell Owens;

“He’s a good productive player, has been for a long time”

“I’ve seen quite a bit of him, I think he can help us.”

Parcells admitted that Owens will have to adapt to a new offense in which 100 catches is improbable within the Cowboys’ scheme. But he quickly dismissed the concern saying, “He’s been in the league for quite a while so I don’t worry about him making that adjustment.”

The no nonsense Parcells also made it clear that Owens would not be cut any slack, and is expected to take part in off-season conditioning at team facilities. He also reiterated that the signing of Owens was one of consensus among himself, Jerry Jones and scouting director Jeff Ireland. “We work as a team here, we really do,” Parcells said. “I’m not going to say we don’t have a difference of opinion on some things. Once we go we are going. If we’re wrong, we’ll cut our losses and keep going.”

How riveting.

Half of me wished that I was at that press conference to ask the questions that really matter, the other half is glad I wasn’t. Getting my head handed to me by an NFL legend for being a “wisenheimer” during a press conference isn’t a smart career move. So, at a safe distance of approximately 2,000 miles I will now pose my own loaded (and admittedly juvenile) T.O. related questions to Bill Parcells.

Coach! Bill! Coach, over here! Thanks. Let me start by asking a few pertinent questions;

*Looking at the schedule, you guys will probably be 1-2 when your October 8 game in Philly rolls around. That being the case, what kind of batteries do you think the typical Eagles fan will be chucking at Terrell? Conventional wisdom would suggest a nice hefty D Cell, but more savvy hooligans prefer the aerodynamics of a perfectly whipped 9 Volt from the upper deck.

*Will Drew Bledsoe be able to deal with T.O.’s notorious sideline antics the when things aren’t going as planned? Or will he suffer a sudden case of happy feet, and hit the deck ending up in the fetal position? Oh, and all of that will be off of the wrong foot.

*Don’t you find it odd that T.O. has made it his far in organized sports without having a single teammate smash his teeth in?

 *What are the chances that Terrell will find a home in Dallas with a driveway that will accommodate a press conference/calisthenics session?

*When Jerry Jones first brought up his intention to sign Owens, did you go for the Pepto or the Tylenol? Personally coach, I would have invited Jim Beam over for a few hours.

I suppose it’s a good thing that I don’t attend press conferences. Even better that I couldn’t care less how the Dallas Cowboys fare this season, or any season for that matter. But just like every other football fan in America (casual or avid) I will be paying close attention to what goes down in Big D this coming season, for one reason. To see how long Terrell Owens can survive until he inevitably alienates the entire Cowboys’ organization, and is unceremoniously shown the door. I realize that my prediction is not exactly Nostradamus like, kind of like predicting smog in Los Angeles. But I think most of us, especially Parcells (if he could be truly honest without reprisal) know that Dallas will most likely be just another brief stop for the circus known as Terrell Owens’ career.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls of all ages, please direct your attention to the center ring. Let’s give a warm Texas sized welcome to the pass catcher everyone loves to hate, Terrell Owens…um, and his agent Drew Rosenhaus.

Best of Luck DFW.

4 replies on “Tuna finally bites on T.O. questions”

I just can’t vote for it 🙁 The piece is good, but I’m afraid I just can’t vote for it.  Though I understand that you are attempting the “smarmy columnist” bit (and somewhat successfully, I might add), you made some obviously unintentional grammatical errors in the piece:

  • In the intro, “for” should be “from”.
  • In this sentence: “Show me Cowboy beat reporter who leaves stones unturned or loose spin jobs, and I’ll show you an AM traffic reporter in Huntsville.”, you need an article (“a”) in between “me” and “Cowboy”.
  • You incorrectly used an ellipse (…).  You needed a dash (–) there instead.  Besides, an ellipse is three dots, not four.
  • In the last paragraph, there should be a comma after “ages”, not an exclamation, unless you wanted to say something like “Gather ’round” to start the sentence.

Also, it’s quite obvious that you have a very strong vocabulary.  Don’t try to flaunt it –believe me, it’ll naturally come out in your writing.  Words like “fortnight” are not necessary –especially since it took a little over three fortnights (a fortnight is a 14-day period by definition).  

I hate how this post sounds, really.  Overall, I loved the column, but I’ve been instructed by those above me to not push through grammatically challenged works. If it gets cleaned up a little, you have my vote!!!

Thanks Thank you so much for the constructive input. That is exactly what I am looking for, and it’s the only way I will improve. Now let me get to cleaning up this piece of crap.

And I’m not being sarcastic, I appreciate that you took the time to lay out what flaws you spotted.

Not a problem I’m glad that you took my comments as I intended. Your article is funny, informative –superb!

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