BOSTON (April 14) – After being routed by their sworn enemy the Yankees, Boston declared April 13 as the date for the collective recognition that both the Red Sox franchise and their fans are, in fact, idiots.
The decision came after a 5-2 loss with Schilling fizzling out just in time for the New York bullpen to plug up Boston’s bats. Mariano Rivera, who accepted his faceious standing ovation at Fenway with hallmark charisma and grace, capped off the evening with a quick and scoreless 9th inning.
“I’m going to have a take a page from Schilling’s book when I say, `Nothing makes me happier than shutting up 35,000 fans in Boston,'” chuckled the good-natured Rivera.
Sparkling middle relief performances from Sturtze and Gordon had Sox fans scratching their heads with dumbfounded confusion that lasted right through the game, as Rivera finished them off.
Said one Fenway Faithful, “I don’t get it. I thought we owned Rivera! Hell, I even said his career was dead after the second [blown game]. I just don’t get it…”
Another fan echoed these sentiments, “What’s going on? I thought blowing 2 regular season saves in the first week of baseball automatically means you go from fame to shame!”
Despite this particular fan’s ability to rhyme, he later admitted, “Gosh, I guess we ARE idiots. And not in the fun-loving, jokester kind of way. Just plain old imbeciles.” Laughing, he went on, “Well, I’d guess we’d have to be to think we could ever touch the Yankees again!”
Boston officials met behind closed doors to discuss the future of the franchise image, as well as what type of reception Rivera should receive the next time New York plays in Fenway.
“We’re all a little shaken up here,” General Manager Theo Epstein remarked. “I think it’s important we focus now on exactly what type of public image we want to project. Are we still America’s underdogs? Are we idiots or defending champs? Is Rivera revered or mocked? These are the types of questions we’re hoping to have answers for, by the time the 3rd week of the season rolls around.”
Bill Simmons, self-proclaimed spokesman for Red Sox Nation and writer for ESPN, could not be reached for comment. His wife, who prefers to remain nameless, did say that her husband was currently in “the lab, conjuring up a new spin as to why the Yankees still suck.”
As usual, Yankee players had little to say about the outcome of the game. When asked about what this suggested about the dynamic between the Red Sox and his ace closer, Manager Joe Torre commented, “Are you serious? It’s the 8th game of the season.”
Pitching coach Mel Stottlemyre chimed in with, “Two blown saves aren’t enough to bag him just yet. One save, though…definitely enough to dispel any previous concern.”
The Yankees appeared to be nonplussed as they exited the stadium. Captain Derek Jeter shrugged off the game, as is typical for the eerily confident shortstop. “People keep saying, `Mo’s back!’ You know, he was never gone. God, he’s a future Hall-of-Famer. You’d have to be an idiot to write off his talent as anything less.”
And now as of April 13, Boston fans will officially accept that, indeed, this is what they truly are. Nothing more.
5 replies on “Boston Fans Subscribe to Own Idiocy”
I can’t stand the Red Sox or the Yankees….. but this was hilarious..nice job
thanks… ha. thanks, I appreciate it. after last night, I’m beginning to lose my patience with both of the teams, too…
Rivera You obviously have no idea what the Sox fans were thinking when they cheered Rivera on Opening Day. No one in Boston thinks he’s washed up or his career is over because he blew two saves. On the contrary, Sox fans have a ton of respect for the guy. The cheering was good-natured humor, and Rivera showed that he gets it by smiling and laughing and tipping his cap. There are few players I respect in baseball more than Mo.
Sure is a lot better than the idiotic booing that the Yankee fans gave him in their own stadium (after 2 blown saves, by the way). All I know is, Larry Bird never got booed in Boston, even in his later post-back surgery days. Let the record show that Yankee fans have booed both Jeter and Rivera, two of their greatest players and classiest individuals ever to play the game.
on the other hand… Yeah i cant believe he got booed in Yankee Stadium, I felt so bad for him. I try to rationalize it by saying he was booed because people wanted to cheer for him, but it still breaks my heart my favorite yank gets that kind of treatment. Every team has had fans that have booed them, Boston included. While I’d never subscribe to that reception, it’s part of the game.
But for some reason, in the same way the fenway ovation, on the opposite end of the spectrum, rubbed me the wrong way, too. I know it was theoretically meant to be respect him, but when it comes after 2 blown saves, it does have a hint of jest. And for the record, the piece was a shot at yankee fans too, who gave boston fans a hard time for putting so much stock in 2 games, and then acted like one save was enough to renew all confidence in him.
Right… Good point. I love how we all tend to overreact at every little event this early in the baseball season (including Steinbrenner hitting the panic button just a whopping 12 games into the season… talk about putting extra pressure on your team!!!)
I guess my point was that I don’t think the Boston fans ever thought that Rivera was done or washed up based on two blown saves. I do think however that they have recognized that after last year’s ALCS and the first two games of this year, the Sox might have a mental edge over other teams who have NEVER been able to figure out Mariano.