College Football

College Football Week 6: HALF-Time!!!

First off, I’m sorry to the futile few who missed last week’s article which I obviously did not produce. I was extremely swamped with work and had zero time to compose a piece; hopefully this article will make up for that absence. On to more important things now! We are halfway through the regular season of CFB which is sad but it is what it is. Some transparent occurrences happened and some others that were less veiled. Bottom line: We can now predict this season about as accurately as we can predict Charlie Sheen’s drug and domestic abuse problems…..which is not saying much at all. There are still a ton of games that have influential value on this season’s BCS champion and we’ll get to the games that have the gavel effect later. In the meantime, let’s recap the weekend Minions!

LOW TIDE!!!! Roll Tide, what??? Alabama, the so called #1 team (in the nation) did not wear the pants in the SEC family this past weekend. Spurrier’s Gamecocks showed how resilient they were after getting beat at Auburn two weeks ago which was a really good game as well, and now sit perched atop the East. Greg McElroy left Columbia feeling bruised and broken; mentally and physically.  Carolina put together a solid package to turn his once unblemished record into a crooked number in his loss column. One thing I wanted to do these past couple days which I was not able to do was listen to the Paul Finebaum Radio Network. Now, for those that do not know Mr. Finebaum, he is considered the voice of the SEC, headquartered out of Birmingham, AL and most of listeners are from Alabama. Now, the great, or funny thing about listening to Paul is for the past couple years the Alabama faithful have Hurricane Katrina-ed their voices on their air. If you are ever having a terrible day and would like to lift yourself up….just find the Finebaum network and listen; you’re guaranteed to feel better about yourself within minutes. Better than Zoloft, Prozac or the best lay you have ever had could fix.  A couple examples from this radio spot to show you just how DUMB these people really are:

  • Before Saban took over one the most prestigious, traditional and highly (un)prolific (at the time) programs in the country, the callers were bashing the football program saying how they “should” be better; and rightfully so! But once Saban starting getting Bama on the right track and winning again…..NOW the callers are presenting obscene arguments (and I wish typed words could portray the “nails on a chalkboard country as cornbread accent”) in the likes of, “We’re duh best team! Ain’t no doubt about!” And I’ve actually heard this one on his network. It is absurdly comical to listen to Alabama fans when they’re winning. In my lifetime I’ve seen them win the whole thing once and be relevant and dominate for thrice years over. Now, Alabama fans: I do not give a Mobile humid night how many championships you’ve won over the years. We’re here for the here and now. Because if we wanted to get into career statistics then Notre Dame and Michigan could donkey slap with their career win totals which you are NOT close to. And moving on to other Finebaum Radio Network hilarious statements I’ve heard.
  • A couple months ago I was listening to Finebaum’s Stream when this caller voiced in and within seconds I leaned in because I knew this was going to be a GOOD one. So…..I’ll try to recap this to the best of my cranial memory due to the fact I’m too lazy to rummage through Paul Finebaum’s archives. It honestly went something to the effect of, “Boise St. ain’t nuten, they don’t deserve no shot! We (Alabama; why they try to assimilate themselves with “winners” is beyond me) could beat their sorry butts any time! Or any of those other wannabe’s!”

And no joke; this mediated conversation (if you want to call it that) went on for what seemed like a lifetime between several callers. What those Alabama fans forgot butttt which I did not is that Bama got slammed by one of THOSE teams in 2008. They got helmet molested by Utah 31-17 and not once did that come up on Finebaum, oh…and I tried multiple times to get my comment published. But for some odd reason it didn’t. Weird, I know.

  • The last thought is the most relevant but for it to be applicable to current knowledge we have to step back a few months. The University of Texas loses to the University of Alabama in the National Championship, which was a closer game than it honestly should have been. Obviously Alabama was a better team that day but Texas was missing its Golden Piece; it would have been the equivalent of the Colts losing Peyton Manning. How good would they be without him? Not very good is the answer. But what was funny is listening to Finebaum’s network after the game.  Every caller was literally masturbating with ‘Saban’s Sweat’, “Texas never had a cotton pickin” chance against us!” Well I’m not a “What if” guy therefore Alabama won fair and square but what is so hypocritical is after this loss to Carolina, now it’s, “We’re young, we were on the road, we had too many penalty flags against us!” Did you not just play a salty SEC team on the road in Fayetteville and win? Did not hear any bitching then. Again I do not want to hear about the 80’s, or 70’s or 60’s, that was a tonnage of time ago. That would be like saying the Cowboys are better than the Patriots. Overall? Absolutely, without a doubt, it would go to the Cowboys, but in the past decade? Patriots. So for some humbling stats the past 10 years, here ya go!
  • Alabama has been ranked 4 times in the Top 25 since 1999; now a very humbling stat…..
  • Texas, Florida & Georgia have been ranked EVERY year since 1999
  • Teams that been ranked more than Alabama since 1999 and I did not even research all teams:  Not including teams I have already said…..Virginia Tech (10), Ohio State (9), LSU (9), USC (9), Oklahoma (9), Miami (8), Florida State (8), Nebraska (7), Oregon (7), Wisconsin (6), Michigan (6), Penn State (6), Georgia Tech (5)

Another other-worldy statistic I came across last week about the polls: The last time the University of Texas was unranked was when Garrett Gilbert was 9 years old. At that time, Mack Brown was 21-10, he is now 131-29. And considering they have been ranked in the Top 10 in consecutive weeks longer than any other team, 36, seemed relevant to the  argument I was making.

Now to quick synopses of other games

  • Holy Buckeye Trees! I guess that’s what you call them?? Well, anyway, they are ranked first for the first time since 2007. And that’s a great thing, considering they won it all that year. Wait, what?? They got stomped by LSU in the championship that year? Maybe I’m thinking of 2006 when they won it all. Wait, what?? They got obliterated by Florida that year? Ewwww. Well maybe it will be different this year since Vince Young came back to get his degree from Ohio State. What? His name is not Vince Young, its Terrelle Pryor?  Ohio State fans: Take another shot of a Buckeye Kamikaze, because you will need it if you play ANOTHER SEC team in the Championship game. If that tilted matchup happens I can guarantee you the spread will be as lopsided as Justin Bieber and Kirstie Alley on a See-Saw. Hope for Oregon….hmm scratchy that, hope for Oklahoma….hmmmm, scratch that, hope for Stanford….hmmm, scratch that, hope for Nebraska…hmmmm, scratch that. Better yet, hope for a Big East or ACC team and I mean really hope; like PRAY. And by all things that are good, if you do win? By all means do not gloat, think of it as a steal. You have won one BCS game since 2006 and thank the Football Gods you (the Big 10) will now have a championship game so you smelly ass teams can finally have an argument to be in THE Game.
  • Staying on the Big 10 for a hot second: Did anybody outside of the state of Michigan see the Michigan St v Michigan game this weekend? Me neither. Real quick and we’ll move on faster than Robin Williams’ comedy act: This might be the only in-state “rivalry” we do not care about. USC v Stanford: Yes, Alabama v Auburn: Yes, Georgia v Georgia Tech: Yes, Carolina v Clemson: Yes, Florida v Florida St./Miami: Yes, Texas v Texas A&M: Yes….Michigan v Michigan St.? So, are any good Law & Order or CSI marathons on?
  • And pleasssssseeeeee Nittany Lion fans: Finally tell us you would be happy to let JoPawPaw go. Take him out back…don’t shoot him; just take off his ‘Coke Bottle Glasses’ and run back to campus. He’ll never find his way back but you might; if you recruit another head coach who is not around abagazillion years.

To close out this week’s article I am going to vent about a certain situation that drives me insanely filled with rage which I’m sure as you read what I’m about to lament about you’ll be sitting there shaking your head, “Yep.” Anyway this past weekend I’m sitting at a bar watching all the games and taking notes on my laptop when this girl who is from Ohio and went to Ohio State asks me what I’m doing. I respond, “I’m taking notes for a sports column I write.” She fires back, “Well now that Alabama has lost Ohio State will be number #1! You HAVE to talk about that.” And as I’m telling her I actually am and this is what I’m going to write about them….she reads it and flips out and starts propelling outrageous statements how Ohio State goes to BCS games all the time (terrible conference and no championship) and wins them. How they’re the best team in college football (with no facts to back it up). If Alabama or LSU or Texas or USC or WHOEVER halfway relevant played them, they would lose.

And I do not mean to hate solely on Ohio State but their fans are the most ignorant and think their self-worth is equal to deity status. But that was just an example, I meant to be more macro than micro and that was the thought I had in my head. Bottom line: I loathe die-hard fans or just the college football fan in general who thinks whatever comes out of his/her mouth is the straight-lined answer. The people who only talk subjectively and shun any others opinions or actual facts and stats that quash their original statements. That might be one of my ultimate pet peeves. Sometimes I just want to say, ‘You do not know shit! Go suck on an ice pick!” I deathly do not claim I know everything but the pedestrian CFB fan that watches a couple of games and thinks he’s Maisel or Herbstreit from ESPN needs to take a long walk off a tall cliff. Ahhhh…it felt good to get that off my chest.

As I sign off: Sorry if it seemed like I was picking on you Alabama and Ohio State, it was just your time. Hopefully next week I’ll pick on some other people, just as long as you don’t do anything worth hatefully writing about.

Much Sports Love,


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