Categories
College College Football

Week 4 Mini-Cap & The Fall College Football TV Lineup

       Welcome sports addicts to another week of my literary lullabies. It’s hard to believe a third of the regular season is already over. But on the glass is half full perspective, we still have 4 months of TV viewing for followers of the pigskin persuasion. The field is becoming clearer and with several weeks worth of battles left the cream will soon rise to the top. But here at Dozier’s Diary we take it one week at a time. And so we begin with some thoughts from the previous weekend.

-Alabama won on the road but Mallet’s group showed that the Tide’s “free frequent flier flight to Atlanta” that so many people seem to have given them may now be tougher than advertised.

-Texas’ offense may be worse than Lindsey Lohan’s cocaine addiction and the voters showed how un-impressed they were by dropping them 14 spots marking the first time they’ve been outside the Top 10 in 36 weeks, 3 seasons worth.

-All ranked Big 10 teams won which should make for some interesting games later in the season to watch and rarely do we EVER say we’re excited to watch Big 10 football. Big Ten fans: Sorry for being honest but I would rather shop for wallpaper than watch ‘the battle between the state named after a nut and the state that looks like a piece of winter apparel. Funny thoughts on both states: 1. Have you ever seen those Fox commercials about the BCS where all the teams mascots are stampeding through streets and saw that cheese wheel/boulder looking thing in the race? For those wondering; that would be a Buckeye, a nut from a tree. Such an intimidating mascot. “Honey! Watch out! It’s a buckeye! Wait, it’s just a nut. We can just step on it.” 2. Have you ever met someone from Michigan and you asked, “So where are you from in Michigan?” and instead of them just giving you an answer, say for instance, Lansing, they hold their damn hand up to recreate “The Mitten” and point to their middle finger’s knuckle, “Here.” Well I have and did not ask for that geography lesson. Next time I ask someone where they’re from and they respond Michigan I’m just going to turn around and walk away. But anyway, enjoy the excitement of Big 10 football this year because it’s sort of like eclipses, they don’t happen often.

-Stanford whooped up on Notre Dame and Luck has to be the frontrunner for Heisman, at least in my book. And a game I’m anxiously awaiting is the Oregon v Stanford game. Should be an instant classic and looking forward to seeing how Luck handles that sort of pressure.

-It’s official: The Big East is the most atrocious conference. No ranked teams and this is an automatic BCS qualifying conference. One of their Pop Warner-level teams will play in a BCS bowl and WILL be destroyed worse than Jenna Jameson is in one of her movies. I bet a team full of tackling dummies could beat a Big East team.

       

And I thought I would have some fun with this week’s article so in the spirit of TV networks showcasing new fall shows I thought I would create a lineup for CFBCS (College Football Broadcasting Corporation Services.)
   

Coming this fall on CFBCS!:

– The Wasteland: A gut-wrenching tale  of how hard life actually is. Starring Sam Waterston as the A.C.C. and Hugh Laurie as the Big East. Two once promising CEO’s axed due to the hard recession now find themselves in the gutters of the city. Living off restaurant leftovers and fighting off the stray dog for the stale onion bagel he just pissed on. Sitting around the fire barrel telling old war stories about the good ole days when things were better they try and hash out their next move on how to become relevant in society once again. Will they succeed or will soup kitchens and cardboard homes become their destiny? Tune in!

-The Department: The Atlanta Police Chief has decided it’s time to finally retire to the beaches of Savannah where he can sip sweet tea instead of worrying about the crime rate. But now sits an empty throne for a highly regarded public office position. And the fight begins; starring the entire SEC, except for Kentucky due to several write-ups, Vanderbilt because of test score inaccuracies, Ole Miss’ anger problems and Mississippi State’s questionable marriage to his sister. The rest of the candidates will be trying very hard every week to walk the ‘straight and narrow’ and show the Mayor why they are the best man for the job. Who will win the crowned position? As of now it’s anybody’s guess but every week will divulge a clearer picture.

-Battlefield: An apocalyptic free-for-all brawl for End World Supremacy where an equilibrium and magnetic shift in the atmosphere has left a chosen few with certain superpowers and others without. Starring:

-Steve Spurrier- Uses his visor as a deadly boomerang.
-Lane Kiffin- Has developed the ability to disappear when opposed with a challenge.
-Chris Petersen- His strategy is to moan and groan that no one will fight or challenge him and when his opponent gets within range he belts them with atomic Idaho Potatoes.
-Urban Meyer- He holds his hand full of championship rings and cries out: “Earth, Wind, Fire, Water! With these powers combined, I call Captain Tebow to the rescue!” He is defenseless otherwise.
-Les Miles- The Mad Hatter has gathered a collection of daggers, poison tipped spears and bombs disguised as footballs which he hides under his purple hat.
Special Guest Fighters include:
-Jon Gruden- Fires laser beams out of his eyes and his microphone doubles as a hand-held rocket launcher.
-Bill Parcells- Shoots projectile belly button lint from his belly fold. His spit is also venomous and makes opponents inept. Developed this power long ago. Former players such as Keyshawn Johnson and Drew Bledsoe are thought to have first-hand knowledge.
Bill Belichick- Use his eyes as binoculars to see other’s powers. His hoody is also bulletproof.
-Rex Ryan- Can transform into an F-Bomb dropping Tyrannosaurus Rex with a chocolate jelly donut addiction. Can also use them as grenades.
And broadcasting the battle are Mack Brown and Jim Tressel. They are powered with the ability to talk anybody into anything. Kelly Poofsnozzle from The Interpreter says this about the show: “This show makes Halo look like a game of BrickBreaker! Think Metal Gear Solid on steroids and the ooze from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!”

Who’s Smarter Than a College Football Player: This show which is sponsored by Excedrin is a game show where random players are asked simple questions about College Football. Hosted by Paul Rudd. Here is a sample from the show:

Paul Rudd: Mr. Cornhusker, what does BCS stand for?
Cornhusker Player: Bull and Cow S*%#?

Paul Rudd: What city do you play in Mr. University of Texas football player?
UT Player: That’s easy compadre, it’s Texas

Paul Rudd: Mr. LSU, your team name obviously is the Tigers but some people call you the Bayou Bengals. What is the difference between the two, if any at all?
LSU Player: Stares aimlessly and blankly through Paul Rudd then hightails it off stage

Paul Rudd: Mr. Wolverine, how many teams are in the Big 10?
Wolverine Player: Hahaha! You already said the answer Paul. It’s 10. Duh!

Paul Rudd: Mr. Maryland, what is a Terrapin?
Maryland Player: A type of writing utensil?

Paul Rudd: Mr. Sooner, what does your name Sooners mean?
Sooner Player: Hmmm. Well it mea-
Paul Rudd: It means the Sooner Stoops is gone the Sooner you’ll win it all! Hahaha!
At this point Paul Rudd is hammered drunk from having to listen to all this stupidity and suddenly starts making statements:

Paul Rudd: Why does USC play in the Coliseum when they’re called the Trojans? Why not the Romans? And I don’t understand Auburn. Their team name is the Tigers yet their mascot is a War Eagle. I see no correlation. And the same goes for Alabama. Team name is Crimson Tide which is logical and understandable but their damn mascot is an elephant. I have NEVER seen an elephant in Alabama. Maybe when creating the mascot they decided on the elephant because it’s IQ is roughly equivalent to one of Alabama’s residents. And Michigan? Why do you call your stadium “The Big House?” A house is usually characterized as a dwelling with a roof! Go back to your ice fishing in your little out(house).

Hope y’all enjoyed this week’s article as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Much Sports Love,

Dozier

2 replies on “Week 4 Mini-Cap & The Fall College Football TV Lineup”

Nice.

When someone from Michigan does that thing with their hand, do it back to them. Say “I’m from (make up a name) Beach,” and point to your middle finger. Then tell them “We’ve had erosion, so this is all that’s left.” Then pull down your fingers except the middle one.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *