Is Mel Kiper’s Hair Ready?

by Trevor Freeman

Is it just me or is the time between the day March Madness ends and the day the NBA playoffs/NFL Draft begins just excruciating? Last weekend I actually did household chores. I did. I swear to God. I even figured out how to get the vacuum cleaner to work. It gets worse. I rolled up my sleeves and cleaned the bathroom. I think the advent of Spring Cleaning can be directly attributed to the lack of sports once March Madness ends.

With that being said, the NFL Draft is only a week away and its time to get the engine fired up again. There are not many events I like watching better than this one. Watching Mel Kiper get all hot and bothered talking about some guy from Sam Houston State brings an indescribable amount of enjoyment to my life. Plus, is there any event better to watch at a bar than the NFL Draft? You don’t have to keep your eyes on the television as long as the ears are tuned in. God bless this event.
Since there aren’t enough mock NFL drafts being written on the internet, I thought I would fill the void and come up with my own. Without further ado……………

(Roger Goodell strides to the podium…….the anticipation builds…..)

“With the first pick in the NFL Draft…..the team nobody in the Bay Area really wants around selects….

1. JaMarcus Russell, QB LSU

If they announced the Oakland Raiders were leaving the Bay Area, 37.5% of the people would celebrate and an additional 32.3% would shrug their shoulders. Nobody gives a crap about the Raiders except for A’s fans who are upset about the way they ruined the Oakland Coliseum. There’s a reason why the Raiders don’t sell out.

The only reason why I have them taking LSU quarterback JaMarcus Russell with the first overall pick is that I believe Lane Kiffin is making the call on it. If you have ever watched USC play then you know he likes to toss the ball down the field.

“With the second pick in the NFL Draft…..the most terrified fan base in pro football selects…..”

2. Joe Thomas, OT Wisconsin

If you’re a fan of Detroit…….just know that I think Roger Goodell would rip up your draft card and announce Joe Thomas’ name should Millen try to select Calvin Johnson with the second overall pick.

“With the third pick in the NFL Draft…..the Cleveland Browns select….”

3. Adrian Peterson, RB Cleveland

Peterson is the biggest sure thing in this draft. He has been NFL-ready since his senior year of high school.

“With the fourth pick in the NFL Draft…..the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select…”

4. Calvin Johnson, WR Georgia Tech

No way Jon Gruden passes on an offensive weapon the likes of Calvin Johnson. It would be like Charlie Weis passing up on a double bacon cheeseburger with extra cheese.

“With the fifth pick in the NFL Draft…..the Team Matt Leinart Will Be Leaving Once His Rookie Contract Is Up selects…”

5. Levi Brown, OT Penn State

The Cardinals lost Leonard Davis in the offseason and have to grab the best offensive lineman on the board. This is a no-brainer. If they go any other direction, Leinart will send a battalion of his groupies after Arizona’s GM.

(A hush takes over the room…..Roger Goodell is frantically reading a card while walking to the podium.)

“There has been a trade. The Chicago Bears have traded their 31st pick and Lance Briggs to Washington for the sixth pick in the NFL Draft and Washington’s third round pick.”

“With the sixth pick…..the Chicago Bears select…”

6. Brady Quinn, QB Notre Dame

Lance Briggs is not going to play in Chicago next season and the Skins are the one team that will pay him what he wants. The Bears make the draft day deal and grab Quinn. Upgrading from Grossman to Quinn is the equivalent of “E” from “Entourage” trading in “Kristen” for “Sloan”. Moves like that don’t come around often, but when they do…….you have to jump on it. Brady Quinn may not become a superstar, but he is NFL-ready having been schooled by the aforementioned Charlie Weis and he has more tools than Grossman will ever have.

“With the seventh pick…..the Minnesota Vikings select…”

7. Marshawn Lynch, RB California

The Vikings desperately need to add a playmaker to their offense and Lynch is it. You drop him into a dome stadium and he’ll look like a poor man’s Marshall Faulk. This pick would be a surprising yet smart move by Team Love Boat.

“With the eighth pick…..the Atlanta Falcons select…”

8. Amobi Okoye, DT Louisville

There is no way Bobby Petrino passes on Okoye. If you have ever heard Petrino talk about him, then you know he loves his old pupil. The ex-Cardinal gets reunited with his old coach on draft day.

(Just as a note, I think Bobby Petrino is praying Michael Vick stinks up the joint this season while trying to run his offense. I think he hopes Vick stinks to the point that the Falcons go 4-12 and score a top five pick. Bobby can then say, “hey we tried…….it didn’t work out” and pick Brian Brohm next season. I’m still shocked Brohm stayed in school……well not really……I’ve seen some of the “talent” that walks around the Louisville campus. No way would he have slipped out of the top twenty of this draft.)

“With the ninth pick…..the Miami Dolphins select…”

9. Gaines Adams, DE Clemson

Adams’ mini slide ends here. The Dolphins need to add some youth to their defense and get great value in Gaines Adams. Miami would have taken Brady Quinn if he was still on the board.

“With the tenth pick…..the team that passed on both Reggie Bush and Vince Young selects…”

10. Darelle Revis, CB Pittsburgh

The Texans need to add another strong cover corner to their secondary if they ever want to compete with the Colts. Besides if you make the commitment to defense by taking Mario Williams over the aforementioned Bush and Young the year before you had better go defense again in the draft to show that you weren’t just full of crap.

“With the eleventh pick…..the Five-Time Super Bowl Champions and Greatest Franchise in NFL History selects…”

11. Alan Branch, DT Michigan

No way the 49ers pass on this mammoth human being. They need somebody who can step in on day one and start on the defensive line and Branch is it.

Just because I’m feeling frisky, let me be the first person to casually mention the phrase “winning the NFC” with “San Francisco 49ers”. The 49ers finished up strong last season going 7-9 and were a legitimate wild-card contender up until the second to last week of the season. The 49ers added Nate Clements, Michael Lewis, Tully Banta-Cain and Ashley Lelie. They also resigned Frank Gore and Alex Smith is only going to get better in his third campaign. Plus the 49ers have this pick plus seven others on the first day of the draft. I would be surprised if the 49ers do not go at least 10-6 next season.

“With the twelfth pick…..the Buffalo Bills select…”

12. Patrick Willis, LB Mississippi

It’s going to be a rough winter if you live in Buffalo. First off…….because you live in Buffalo…..secondly because the Bills have to be the early favorite in the clubhouse for Brian Brohm. Willis will be drafted to replace London Fletcher. The question of who replaces Willis McGahee or all five offensive lineman is still unknown. Just a bad team. 2-14 is not out of the question. On the positive side, Bills fans can watch Darren McFadden at Arkansas and realize he might be a Bill in about a year.

“With the thirteenth pick…..the St. Louis Rams select…”

13. Robert Meachem, WR Tennessee

The Rams need to get younger and move into “Phase 2” with their offense. Meachem is a playmaker who can step in and be the #2 to Torry Holt right now.

“With the fourteenth pick…..the Carolina Panthers select…”

14. Greg Olsen, TE Miami

The Panthers already have Steve Smith and Keyshawn Johnson at receiver and an emerging DeAngelo Williams at running back. The offense is complete once they pull the trigger on a guy who has 8-time Pro Bowler written all over him.

“With the fifteenth pick…..the Pittsburgh Steelers select…”

15. Jamaal Anderson, DL Arkansas

This is a great value pick as Anderson could have gone off the board sooner. He injects some youth into the Steeler defense and gives then another a$$kicker.

“With the sixteenth pick…..the franchise being held hostage by Brett Favre selects…”

16. Ted Ginn Jr., WR The………Ohio State University

If you are going to make the decision to continue starting Brett Favre instead of Aaron Rodgers then you have to get Favre some more weapons. Ted Ginn Jr. is a burner. Not only will he make their receiving corp. more dangerous instantly, he upgrades the return game as well. This is a no-brainer.

(Speaking of Ohio State, it is time for a mid-article breather and NBA Draft tidbit. Not sure if any of you saw this but Ohio State freshman Daequan Cook announced that he was declaring for the NBA Draft. Isn’t this the equivalent of me announcing that I am putting my name into the NFL Draft….or Dustin Diamond announcing he is now single to Jessica Alba? That he had the balls to do it at the same time with a clearly superior Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr. only makes this more hysterical.)

“With the seventeenth pick…..the Jacksonville Jaguars select…”

17. LaRon Landry, DB LSU

Landry might be the biggest hitter in the entire draft. A stud who played in a lot of SEC wars.

“With the eighteenth pick…..the Cincinnati Bengals select…”

18. Adam Carriker, DL Nebraska

There is nothing I am hoping for more than to hear that the Bengals are shipping this pick for the rights to Adam “Pacman” Jones.

“With the nineteenth pick…..the Tennessee Titans select…”

19. Leon Hall, CB Michigan

This is a no-brainer. With “Pacman” out for the season the Titans have to take the best cornerback on the board.

“With the twentieth pick…..the Tom Coughlin-led New York Giants (laughing right now) select…”

20. Dwayne Bowe, WR LSU

With Amani Toomer on the decline, Tiki Barber retiring and Plaxico Burress being mediocre at best, the Giants need to add an offensive playmaker. Bowe fits the bill as he would give the Giants size and a great pair of hands at wideout.

“With the twenty-first pick…..the Denver Broncos select…”

21. Ryan Kalil, OL USC

Kalil might be the most underrated player in this draft. People forget USC’s line made it so Leinart and John David Booty could drink a cup of coffee in the pocket before passing.

“With the twenty-second pick…..the Dallas Cowboys select…”

22. Anthony Gonzalez, WR The…….Ohio State University

The Cowboys need to add another offensive weapon to aid Tony Romo in his development and Gonzalez fits the bill. I actually thought he was a better receiver than Ted Ginn Jr. last season for the Buckeyes. Gonzalez has the best set of hands of any receiver in this year’s draft.

“With the twenty-third pick…..the Kansas City Chiefs select…”

23. Dwayne Jarrett, WR USC

The idiocy that has contributed to Jarrett slipping down this draft board is the same kind of idiocy that led Tayshaun Prince and Josh Howard to slip in the NBA Draft. Jarrett is dropping simply because of “numbers”. Anybody who has watched this kid’s game tape knows that he is probably the second best wide receiver in the draft. I cannot wait for him to light it up at the next level. Just remember, Jarrett was the best receiver in the country when he came out of high school and that he was an All-American at USC. I’ll always roll the dice on a guy who has dominated at every level he has been on.

The Chiefs need a receiver and Jarrett is the best on the board. If they are smart then they will grab him.

“With the twenty-fourth pick…..the New England Patriots select…”

24. Paul Posluszny, Penn State LB

It’s not that often a two-time Bednarik Award winner is around for the taking this late in the draft. Posluszny has been inexplicably slipping. The slide stops in New England as he has Patriot written all over him.

“With the twenty-fifth pick…..the New York Jets select…”

25. Jarvis Moss, DE Florida

I’m sure Jets fans are cursing about how ridiculous it is that they are drafting behind New England. Don’t worry……..I think Mangini is very close to catching Belichick in the division. The Jets grab Moss because he is just too good an athlete to pass on at DE. He will instantly provide help in the pass rush and on special teams.

“With the twenty-sixth pick…..the Philadelphia Eagles select…”

26. “Buster” Davis, WR LSU

With Donte Stallworth having fled to New England, the Eagles need to beef up the receiving corp. “Buster” was quietly one of the most effective receivers in the SEC. Plus he can really fly. I can’t drive down a city block faster than he can run down it.

“With the twenty-seventh pick…..the New Orleans Saints select…”

27. Justin Harrell, DL Tennessee

The Saints need to take the best defensive player on the board and Harrell is that guy. Anybody who watched the Volunteers knows that this kid has an incredible motor.

“With the twenty-eighth pick…..the New England Patriots select…”

28. Brian Leonard, FB Rutgers

Peter King casually mentioned how Leonard would make a great Patriot and I completely agree with the best NFL scribe on the internet. Leonard would be the offensive version of Tedy Bruschi. Just a guy you want to go to battle with.

“With the twenty-ninth pick…..the Baltimore Ravens select…”

29. Joe Staley, OL Central Michigan

The former tight end has been climbing up the draft board due to his exceptional athleticism. The Ravens are targeting an OT and get a good one in Staley.

“With the thirtieth pick…..the San Diego Chargers select…”

30. Brandon Meriweather, S Miami (Fla.)

The Chargers have the luxury of taking the best athlete on the board with this pick since their roster is already stacked.

Since I never talked about this when it happened, let me chime in on the Marty Schottenheimer firing. My only objection was the timing of it. I would have canned him immediately after the season ended. Let’s say you were halfway to closing the deal with Jessica Biel and all you had to do was drive from your house to hers. Let’s also say that you had come close to closing the deal with Kirsten Dunst, Jessica Alba and Maria Sharapova but your car broke down on the way there and they lost interest when you showed up late. Would you take that same car that failed you the three times before or would you get a new one? I think we all know what the answer is.

“With the thirty-first pick…..the Chicago Bears select…”

31. Jon Beason, LB Miami (Fla.)

Since I have the Bears trading Lance Briggs then I have to have them drafting his replacement. Beason was an absolute stud at Miami and will be an effective pro.

“With the thirty-second pick…..the Indianapolis Colts select…”

32. Chris Houston, CB Arkansas

With Nick Harper leaving, the wise move is to draft his replacement and that is what the Colts do by taking Chris Houston. Houston was a stud at Arkansas and can step in and start on day one. Speaking of Houstons at Arkansas has anybody been following the Houston Nutt saga at the University of Arkansas? My favorite part is that he text messaged some woman 1,000 times over a six-month period. How is that even possible? Didn’t his fingers get tired? Plus…..what woman wants to be text messaged that many times? Doesn’t that just get annoying after awhile?

If you have any questions or comments feel free to e-mail me at [email protected]