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The Reality of Alternative Sports

Wednesday August 23rd, 2006. 11:07 AM, Pacific Standard Time. I woke up, exhausted, groggy; I had stayed up way too late the night before. I stumbled out to my living room, still half asleep, and perhaps even a touch hungover. I flicked on the television and slumped onto the sofa. My life would never be the same.

As if there weren’t enough sporting events in the world, ESPN was broadcasting the 2006 World Sport Stacking Championships. Fourteen-year old kids stacking plastic cups in various sized pyramids, as fast as humanly possible. There was the team relay, the individual sprint, the 3-6-3, the 5-5, and the ultimate 10-cup pinnacle. There were sportscasters who had a genuine interest and knowledge of the activity. There were color commentators, former cup stacking champions, and even the CEO and founder of the WSSA. I saw coaches and assistant coaches. I saw tragedy and triumph, assaults on established and documented world records, and oh yes, “The Germans are coming, the Germans are coming!”
I’ve seen my fair share of questionable activities that pass for sports in the eyes of media mogul ESPN, including, but not limited to darts, pool, table tennis, poker, foos ball, rock-paper-scissors, tug-of-war, world strongman competition, cheerleading, the Westminster Dog Show, NASCAR, archery, clay pigeon shooting, equestrian riding, rodeo, bowling, competitive eating, bass fishing, fly fishing, chess, checkers, Monopoly, croquet, and the spelling bee.

But none of these compare to the World Sport Stacking Championships.

Well, maybe rock-paper-scissors, but for the sake of discussion, nothing compares to World Sport Stacking.

This might sound like I am making jest, poking fun at people who are genuinely serious about an activity (or sport, if you want to go that far), and the truth is that I am, to a certain degree, but at the same time, I am saluting the American love of competition in all shapes and sizes. Sure, we have baseball (pro, college, and Little League), football (pro, college, arena, and high school), and basketball (pro and college). We have NASCAR (the fastest growing sport in the world), and hockey (which is making a comeback). We’re finally coming to terms with the other football, but for us, all this competition leaves us pining for more, even if it’s not real.

Enter the world of fantasy sports.

There is fantasy football, basketball, baseball, hockey, and NASCAR; we know about all these, but what about fantasy bass fishing? Oh, yes. Ask and ye shall receive.

The stars of the World Sport Stacking Association will never be household names. They probably won’t be invited to appear on the Jay Leno Show, or host the ESPYs. They won’t have a trading card, a Wheaties box, a shoe contract. They won’t have agents, groupies, autograph seekers, or private team planes.

They don’t care. The competition continues without nationwide fanfare.

And it continues because Americans are obsessed with competition. We pretend like we’re appalled by American Idol, Dancing with the Stars, and Last Comic Standing, but these are nothing more than talent shows infused with the competitive spirit of sport. Reality shows are sports for the rest of the world, the portion that thinks ESPN is a psychic ability and Babe Ruth is a candybar.

Sports are the purest form of reality television programming. Even the ones like sport stacking, the spelling bee, and rock-paper-scissors. Even the ones that originate by one person boasting, “I bet I can eat more hot dogs than you.”

2 replies on “The Reality of Alternative Sports”

i think i picked up… competitive (2 times) and appalled were spelled incorrectly… could be wrong though im not really sure how they are spelt.

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