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Trading Up is Hard to Do

My last boyfriend didn’t know what a bunt was. He thought it was some kind of pastry sold at Yankee Stadium. I would dangle baseball-relationship metaphors above his head, and he would just roll his eyes and return his attention back to playing Halo 2. Which is probably why warning him the trade deadline was coming up on his heels didn’t sound any foreboding bells.  So when the logistics of dating a man who defined a grand slam as “a homerun, sort of, but better?” became more frustrating than watching A-Rod bat, I readjusted my Fantasy Team, moving my now ex from my starting rotation to waiver wires.Perhaps the meaty stretch of games has distorted the line between the sport of baseball and the sport of dating. Or maybe it’s some combination of New York City summer heat, the July trade deadline, and the overwhelming promotion of the latest in blockbuster date movies. But in the wake of my own free agency, I realized that I wasn’t too far off base–that the parallels between baseball and everything else extend beyond boardroom clichés.

In our perennial pursuit to find that perfect battery mate, MLB teams are involved in their own revolving doors of potential suitors. And for every generic breakup pattern seen in the battle of the sexes, an analogous MLB trade already exists. Men and women have been whining for years about their own dating apocalypses, but baseball has been there, done that, and lived to see playoffs.

God, I love this sport.

In no particular order, the top 10 inspiring tales of love lost and (sometimes) won:

1.) Boy breaks up with Girl because he doesn’t want a relationship and can’t commit. Girl understands, but wishes it could be different. Boy then jumps into a serious relationship and proposes to his new girlfriend.

January 12, 2004: Roger Clemens retires after the 2003 season, then changes his mind and joins his hometown team, the Astros. I don’t know when women are going to finally realize that it’s not that he doesn’t want a commitment–he just doesn’t want a commitment with you.

2.) Girl complains about wanting to get married. Boy waffles. Girl poses “Ring or bust!” ultimatum. Boy fails to procure ring. Girl busts out.

December 15, 1992: Wade Boggs hit a career slump in 1992, and with his biological clock ticking away, he moved from the Red Sox to the Yankees in search of the elusive World Series Ring. He followed up the trade with 4 years of over .300 hitting, and in 1996, the World Series finally got down on one knee.

3.) Girl breaks up with Boy. Boy goes on to lead a successful, fulfilling life. Girl spirals into pathetic degeneration marked by self-pity, substance abuse, or cats.

April 2, 1992: The Astros trade Curt Schilling to the Philadelphia Phillies for pitcher Jason Grimsley. Schilling led the Phillies to the World Series in 1993, led the NL in strikeouts in 1997 and 1998, continued to shine when traded to the Boston Red Sox, led Boston to first World Series championship in 86 years, and consequently became a national hero to all Boston fans and Yankee-haters. Grimsley, meanwhile, never did pitch in the majors for the Astros. In 1994, he crawled through an air conditioning vent to retrieve his teammate’s confiscated corked bat. In 2006, he usurps Canseco’s role as the Godfather of illegal drug use. His mother must be proud.

4.) Girl breaks up with Boy to start dating Boy’s sworn enemy and nemesis.

December 20, 2005: Two words–Johnny. Damon.

5.) Girl and Boy break up. Boy goes on rampant dating/hooking up binge. Girl tries to act like she knew what she was doing, but eventually her highroad is eclipsed by the fact she hasn’t had a date in 86 years. Girl becomes jaded. Boy becomes a legend.

January 3, 1920: Red Sox owner Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth to the New York Yankees to raise money for his Broadway theatrical productions. Read that sentence again. Broadway theatrical productions. Curse or no curse, he deserved whatever came his way.

6.) Girl breaks up with Boy. Boy very coolly demands that Girl give back all gifts Boy bestowed upon her: Tiffany jewelry, Ipod speakers, Starbucks travel mug, saline solution, and THE LAST 3 YEARS OF HIS LIFE. Girl returns gifts just to shut him up and get him out of her life. Boy periodically thinks of new things he left at Girl’s apartment that he needs back.

May 15, 1998: In the most expensive transaction in baseball history, Los Angeles Dodgers trade Mike Piazza and Todd Zeile to the Florida Marlins for Gary Sheffield, Bobby Bonilla, Charles Johnson, Jim Eisenreich, and Manny Barrios. I’m still not sure I understand the reasoning behind this one. It reminds me of the boys in my fantasy league who propose trades to me and my sister like, “Placido Polanco, Kelly Stinnett, Alf, Shannon Doherty, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Carson Daly for…Jeter and Pujols.” And then say things like, “Look how many players we’re offering you! You’d be insane not to take it!” Well, the Dodgers took that trade. They didn’t want to offer Piazza the 7-year commitment he sought, and so Piazza threatened free agency. The Dodgers traded him over and had to absorb $80 million in the aftermath. Hey, either you want a relationship or you don’t. Speaking from experience, $80 million, (or my Ipod dock, as the case may be), is a small price to pay to drop the player who wants more out of the relationship than you do.

7.) Boy inexplicably breaks up with Girl. Insiders, however, saw the signs that Girl never did. Boy explains that he, “needs to focus more on ME,” and that while it has been fun, he’s ready to move on with a different phase of his life. He has a five-year plan. And it doesn’t include Girl.

December 16, 2004: In a move as unforeseeable as Bonds tying Ruth’s HR record, Pedro Martinez leaves Boston to join the National League’s New York Mets. And the funny thing is that I now almost like the guy. He wants to get into the Hall of Fame. He wants an easy out every 9 batters. So he took his championship ring, left his midget sidekick behind, trudged through the deafening “Who’s your daddy?” chants surrounding Manhattan, and joined the Mets. I respect that resolve. Or maybe I just like any trade that throws Red Sox Nation into a tailspin.

8.) Girl and Boy date. They have a quiet mutual break up. They remain friends that still respect each other and honestly want each other to find happiness. Unicorns gallop through sunsets and rainbows.

May 1, 2005: John Olerud leaves the Yankees to play for the Red Sox.
May 27, 2005: Olerud faces his old team at Yankee Stadium and is greeted warmly by generally insane Bronx fans.
When does that happen? Never. It’s like Tom Cruise said in Cocktail, “All things end badly. Otherwise, they wouldn’t end.”

9.) Girl and Boy have some kind of relationship hallmarked by excruciatingly lackluster chemistry. Boy makes a grand gesture one day and sweeps Girl off her feet. And for a little while, everything clicks. Girl has renewed faith in why she fell in love with Boy. And then the chemistry fizzles out again. Girl and Boy break up but still fondly look back on their brief foray into passion. They say things like, “We’ll always have Paris…”

February 26, 2004: Yankees release Aaron Boone, less than a year after the 2003 ALCS, when he hit one of the franchise’s most dramatic walk-off homeruns in the team’s history. For Yankee fans, they’ll always have Game 7…

10.) Girl and Boy date. Something is not quite there. They break up. Girl learns Boy is gay.

May 21, 1979: Danny Ainge breaks into the major leagues as a second baseman for the Toronto Blue Jays.
June 9, 1981: Danny Ainge is the Round 2 draft pick for the Boston Celtics, who then went on to win the NBA title in ’84 and ’86.  
My dad once told me hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in any sport. My best friend once told me finding a decent guy in New York City is the hardest thing to do. Unlike Ainge, I don’t have the option nor desire to switch teams when the sport gets too tough.

So there it is. I watch people lamenting their failed relationships and wonder how bad it could really be. Baseball gives us hope that there will always be another season and proof that there is life after trades. (Jennifer Aniston may be the exception to the rule, bless her little heart.) It’s like swinging three bats before you step up to the plate. If we can bear the heartbreak and pitfalls of our Great American Pastime, by God, we can certainly weather unsuccessful stabs at love.

It’s like Bob Feller said, “”Every day is a new opportunity. You can build on yesterday’s success or put its failures behind and start over again. That’s the way life is, with a new game every day, and that’s the way baseball is.”

If that doesn’t give you goosebumps, if that doesn’t make you crave free agency for the opportunity to spend more alone time with day games, box scores, and extra-innings…well, then I hear “he’s just not that into you” is also a viable mantra. Get over it, and turn the game on.

(And I wonder why I never have a date during baseball season.)

By YankTank

Kris Pollina lives and works in New York City as an advertising copywriter. She lives and dies by NY sports and is the first to admit she can be wildly irrational in defense of her teams. She spends too much time thinking of fantasy team names, too little time reading injury reports. She doesn't understand people who keep score at baseball games. She has more interest in the Kreb Cycle than she does in the NBA, tennis, golf, or anything that is limited to running around a track. She doesn't mind the NFL overtime rules, thinks hockey is wildly underrated, and hates the expression "step up to the plate." Most importantaly, she doesn't believe in wearing baseball hats with football logos on them. Football players wear helmets.

7 replies on “Trading Up is Hard to Do”

Great article Great article.  Very Interesting.  This is the first column in a while that actually one I read the whole way through because you just had to tead it all.  On another note tell your boyfriend Halo 2 sucks!  

Very Good Article And your last boyfriend is a loser if he wouldn’t watch baseball with you.  

this was great Very entertaining and different. I’m a sucker for lists.

Why does Jason Grimsley keep popping up? Eerie.

Good luck in the search. If nothing, you’ll always have your scorecard, MLB.TV and Bill James  

Good to have you back YankTank I was wondering where you had gone off to.  

Everyone check out her story on Father’s Day… which is coming up in 4 days.

THANK YOU! for the kind comments– it’s good to be back–teaching a dude about things like sac flies and force outs ate up a lot of my time. Thanks again!

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