10 Reasons Baseball is still the National Pastime

10.    I’m sorry, but what you’ve heard is true. Chicks dig the long ball. Despite all the controversy that modern home run statistics are becoming irrelevant because of the live ball era, steroids, the lowered pitcher’s mound, maple bats, body armor for the hitters, diluted pitching talent, shrinking strike zone, global warming, outfield fences steadily marching inward, and the blasphemy above all- baseball being played in the thin air of Colorado- the home run is still revered above all plays in baseball. Do you remember anything about the playoffs last year besides bad umpiring? Yes, of course you do. You remember Albert Pujols tattooing a Brad Lidge fastball into the ozone layer. Just in the same way you remember crippled Kirk Gibson taking Eckersly deep to win game one of the series in `88, and Carlton Fisk’s body language that kept his deep fly fair to win the series game in `75. Almost every sports fan could recite verbatim the home run call when Aaron passed Ruth, yet would struggle on the first line of the Pledge of Allegiance. An old Nike commercial said it best: “Face it fellas, a low ERA just isn’t that sexy.”
9.    Darren Daulton says he’s traveled through time and space, but for a major league coaching position he’d take a break from astral explorations.

8.    If it’s not complicated, I’m not interested. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there some sense of accomplishment after you’ve triumphed over the flashing digital clock on the VCR? A certain amount of pride in doing your own taxes? The exact same feeling comes along with understanding the infield fly rule, balks, the dropped third strike, and baseball’s trade deadline.

7.    The numbers don’t lie. Attendance from last season for all of major league baseball was over 73 million.

6.    This is America. It’s a hot dog and a beer kind of a country. McDonalds has served over 99 billion people. There is a minor league baseball stadium that offers a cheeseburger with Krispy Kremes donuts in place of buns. We like Chris Farley, Fat Albert, George Costanza and television shows about fat people trying to lose weight. John Kruk was not only a baseball player, but an author, with the aptly titled book, “Hey Lady, I Ain’t No Athlete.” We like the un-chiseled ballplayers because we feel like we can relate to them, as if they are the average joes who made it to the big time, the people that prove it doesn’t take washboard abs and a strict workout regiment to be a star. So, in this spirit I raise my extra large mug of regular full-calorie, high-carb domestic beer in honor of the current “John Kruks,” Bob Wickman, David “Boomer” Wells, C.C. Sabathia, Prince Fielder, Bucky Jacobson, Eddie Guardado, Bobby Jenks, Matt Stairs, and Ken Harvey. The men for whom showing up to spring training “a little overweight,” is a compliment. Cheers!

5.    I’m a sucker for the old-school style of baseball, when there was no talk of steroids or $200 million dollar contracts, when the small aspects of the game were more appreciated, like the hit and run, the squeeze, and the pitcher’s ability to play judge and jury over opposing hitters in regards to showboating, crowding the plate, or just as a matter of keeping the opponent on his toes. The hitters of the past weren’t prima donnas who wanted to throw down every time a misguided fastball tailed too far inside, and if a hitter wanted to stare down Don Drysdale, it’d do no good but earn them another dose of chin music. With all that said, there are still a few good old boys on the hill who don’t mind bringing the heat high and tight. Everybody knows of the intimidating techniques of big names like Pedro Martinez, Roger Clemens, and Randy Johnson, but there are a few other pitchers that have intimidating statistics to go along with their mound presence. David Wells walked only 21 batters in over 180 innings last year, showing fantastic control, yet managed to hit 9 batters, which averages out to 1 walk per 9 innings, and almost 1 HBP per 18 innings. Toronto’s Dave Bush hit 13 batters in 136 innings for a rate of nearly 1 HBP per 9 innings. At the top of the effectively wild list is Jeff Weaver who hit a batter once every 12 innings last year, one every 14 innings for his career, and is already half-way toward the all-time record for hit batsmen in only 7 major league seasons.

4.    There are no cheerleaders in baseball. How can this possibly be complimentary of the game of baseball? I’m grasping at straws here, but I think that baseball is such a complex and detail oriented game that the sight of bouncing boobs and high-kicking, shapely and tanned legs might be sensory overload for the average fan. The NBA needs cheerleaders because without something interesting to watch, well, attendance might plummet even further than it already has. Major League Baseball doesn’t need to use sex appeal to sell tickets.

3.    Baseball uses sex appeal to sell tickets. Okay, so this might be slightly hypocritical in light of #4, but if truth be told, everything in 21st century America comes down to three things: sex, drugs, and rock and roll. So, the #3 reason baseball is still America’s National Pastime is… Anna Benson. By the way, Anna, if you’re reading, I would never, ever, cheat on you. Food for thought.

2.    It’s not so much the drugs that we love, but the scandal that swirls around a drug-related controversy. The only thing better than a drug scandal is a sex scandal, but until the Mets win another world series and start wife-swapping again, I guess we’ll have to settle for Barry Bonds. This is so much better than baseball alone ever could have been. Not only is Bonds battling for the all-time home run record, but truly the only thing that seems capable of stopping him is federal prosecution. Every home run he hits brings him closer to Ruth and Aaron, but every day that goes by the Feds creep in another step. If only we could get Jack Bauer to forego probable cause and ignore habeas corpus in the name of saving the sexiest record in all of sports.

1.    And finally, above all other reasons why baseball is still the National Pastime, is the National Anthem sung before every game. There is nothing more majestic. Amidst 50,000 fans standing in silence, The Star Spangled Banner, in all its glory, emanates throughout the field and the stadium and the crowd. If it doesn’t get your red, white and blue blood flowing and the hairs on the back of your freedom-loving neck standing at attention, you’d better check your patriotic pulse.