Residential Debate

        Sometimes the smallest events in life can have the most unexpected consequences.  I had to take my car into the shop today, which meant I had to take BART into San Francisco for work.  After racing to catch my train, I took the first available seat I could find, which happened to be behind two baseball fans seated across from one another.  As I passed them to get to my seat, I saw that one fan was wearing a Giants hat, and the other was wearing an A’s hat.  They began to converse shortly after I sat down on the train, and by the time they finished, I couldn’t get them out of my head.  They were quick, witty, and ruthless when it came to the other’s baseball allegiance.  Here’s what little I remember of their exchange:        A’s fan: “So, big series coming up this weekend.  Your team ready?  I only ask because I’m a little worried about them; they’re getting up there in age.  Do they still remember their way to first base?”

        Giants fan: “Yeah, they’re a little old.  But don’t worry, they know where first base is.  Hell, at least they know what first base is.  Are the A’s old enough to take sex ed yet?”

        A’s fan: “Sure, of course, anyone looks young compared to the Giants.  Why do you think Krukow and Kuiper still hang around to broadcast the games?  They’re waiting for a call from Sabean so they can make a comeback!  Just four more years, and they’ll be in the Giants’ age range.”

        Giants fan: “Yeah, got it.  We’re old.  Old enough to know that you need to touch home plate in the playoffs if you want to advance.”

        A’s fan: “No, I don’t think you do get it.  Marquis Grissom, Omar Vizquel, and Moises Alou are all in your starting lineup.  Those guys broke into the big leagues back when players were wearing cups made out of wood.  Does Sabean have a set of 1991 baseball cards that he’s using as his player wish list?”

        An elderly couple who have heard one too many age jokes slowly get up from their seats and move to an adjoining car.  Both fans notice, and seem to feel genuine remorse.  The A’s fan, realizing that the argument is close to getting heated, attempts to make amends.

        A’s fan: “Sorry about that, I got a little carried away.  You know, you guys have a great stadium.  Just perfect.  It’s like the Field of Dreams.  Whoever built that place didn’t make a single mistake.  Honestly, it’s my favorite place to watch a baseball game.”

        Giants fan: “Yeah, it’s a great place.  I try to make it out there as often as I can.”

        A’s fan: “Yeah.  Man, the only thing wrong with it is the fans.”

        Giants fan: “What?”

        A’s fan: “Oh, sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it.  Don’t worry about it.”

        Giants fan: “No, you meant what you said.  Explain.”

        A’s fan: “Well, OK.  See, Giants fans really piss me off.  They’re all 35-year-old white males with goatees who wear baseball hats and sunglasses, and take their rotisserie teams WAY too seriously.  They show up in fleece jackets and dock shoes, dressed for a boat that they don’t own.  They all look like Sabean.  They all know so much about baseball, and can’t wait to share this knowledge with everyone around them- like they feel some need to explain that Feliz is in left because Bonds is out.  Thanks, I would never have known that the best player in baseball has been injured all season.”

        Giants fan: “But..”

        A’s fan: “And he drinks what he thinks is some really obscure beer at the games so he can show off what an expert he is.  No pal, I’ve heard of Sierra Nevada.  We all have.  Just drink your beverage and shut up.  And two or three times each game, if the Giants make an out in a key situation, they lose it.  Just absolutely lose it.  A screw comes loose, they lose the ability to function, and their face turns a deep shade of red.  They think they’re the manager, so they take these things personally.  It’s just an annoying crowd to be around.”

        Giants fan: “And A’s fans are so much better.”

        A’s fan: “What’s that supposed to mean?  We actually do know our stuff.  Can you even tell me how a pitcher’s WHIP/ERA regression derivative per 9 innings affects his home run-to-walk ratio?”

        Giants fan: “Whatever.  A’s fans are just Raiders fans with less brains and better aim.”

        A’s fan: “What?!?”

        Giants fan: “Well, you guys throw cell phones, you throw batteries, you throw beer….like I said, you guys have good aim.”

        A’s fan: “The only reason Giants fans don’t throw beer is because they can’t afford to!  Two beers at Pac Bell mean taking out a second mortgage!”

        Giants fan: “First of all, it’s SBC.  Second of all, we can afford it- we just choose not to act like baboons once we enter a sporting event.”

        A’s fan: “Whatever buddy.  It’s more likely you’re just looking around for a fork and knife so you can eat your hot dog.  Tell me, how often do you have your butler watch the games and summarize the action for you once you’re done with your hour-long cell phone call?”

        Things have gotten heated, and our train’s car is quickly emptying.  People shoot looks at the two gentlemen on their way out as though they’re expecting a fight to break out any second, and they want no part of it.  To be honest, I don’t either, but I’m dangerously low on column ideas this week, and they’re providing instant material.

        Giants fan: “So are you going to be a real fan and actually go to a game this weekend?  Or do you only watch games when you’re safe at the Coliseum?”

        A’s fan: “No, I’m going on Friday.  Even though you need to bring a descendant of Magellan with you if you want to find free parking, and you have to fight your way through the homeless army on your way into the park.  By the time I get into the stadium, I feel like I was in ‘Nam.”

        Giants fan: “Yeah, parking at the Coliseum is much better.  Let’s see, do I want to buy Al Davis a new summer home, or do I want to donate my car stereo to the flea market by parking across the street?  The only time I’m willing to step foot in your ode to concrete is when the Giants play there, and that’s no picnic.  The only tickets left for A’s-Giants games are always in the upper deck.”

        A’s fan: “What’s wrong with the upper deck?  The views aren’t so bad from up there.”

        Giants fan: “It’s not the views that concern me.  The 3rd deck at an A’s game is like a rally for the legalization of both marijuana and underage drinking.  A’s fans fight other A’s fans up there.  I’d be willing to sit there, but I keep forgetting to bring my shive.”

        A’s fan: “Well, you could always borrow one of Barry’s needles and use that for protection.”

        Giants fan: “Oh, please.  We may use steroids, but you guys invented them.  Giambi, Menechino, Ron Gant…”

        A’s fan: “Estalella, Marvin Bernard, Dave Martinez…”

        Giants fan: “Did I just hear a Dave Martinez???  He never helped us win a thing!  Your whole team in 1989 was doping.  Look at Canseco and McGwire.  That’s our World Series trophy.  You guys had to cheat in order to beat us.”

        A’s fan: “Yeah, Kevin Mitchell was clean.  Did you see that bare-handed catch he made?  That hand was a paw!  Bigger than his mitt.  You gonna tell me he wasn’t genetically enhanced?  I’ve only seen a catch like that made one other time- by the Incredible Hulk.  And even then it seemed a little unrealistic.”

       

        At this point, the only people in the car are me, the A’s fan, and the Giants fan.  New people get on at each stop, but leave just as quickly once they’ve gauged the mood, which is quickly intensifying.  Both fans are aware that I’m listening to them, but have come to realize that not only do I not mind their bickering, I actually enjoy it.  They seem to feed on the attention, becoming more animated and antagonistic towards one another.

        Giants fan: “So how do you feel knowing that your team’s savior also happens to be the only openly gay general manager in baseball?”

        A’s fan: “No, idiot, that’s Billy Bean.  Our GM is Billy Beane.  With an ‘e’.”

        Giants fan: “Ah, so you just write in an ‘e’.  The same thing you do when Eric Byrnes starts in the outfield.”

        A’s fan: “Nicely done.  You set that one up, didn’t you?”

        Giants fan: “I do what I can.  That Beane’s got an ego on him, boy.  You don’t even need a blimp for the home games.  Just strap a camera to his head, and let his hot air do the rest.”

        A’s fan: “He’s got a right to have an ego, though.  The man knows pitching.  By the way, how’s the Ainsworth-Foppert-Jerome Williams rotation working out?  

        Giants fan: “It’s working out about as well as Barry Zito.  Wasn’t he supposed to be an ace?  I saw he started a “Strikeouts for Troops” program, donating money to the Armed Forces for each strikeout he collects.  Brave venture on his part.  He might get another 6, 7, even 8 strikeouts this year.  I guess “Wins for Troops”, “Low ERA for Troops”, and “Starts in Which The Team ‘Ace’ Makes it Past the Sixth Inning for Troops” were already taken by Jason Schmidt.”

        A’s fan:  “Yeah, Zito’s pretty bad.  Plus, he called A’s fans ‘dumb’.  He’s got nothing on Rich Harden.”

        Giants fan: “You mean Dick Harden?  Guy’s got a pretty vulgar name- I’d go by ‘Rich’ too, if I were him.”

        A’s fan: “Vulgar?  We’re not the ones who pee on our hands, buddy.”

        They fall into a rhythm.  The two strangers, supporting different Bay Area teams, have staged an impromptu Bay Area baseball mock trial.  Strangely, passengers are now coming from other cars to listen to them, this unlikeliest of comedy teams.  Even the elderly couple who left early on have returned, laughing freely now that they are not being reminded of their age.  The two fans don’t notice, though.  They’re locked in.  On it goes….

        Giants fan: “I barely even recognize you guys this year- probably because you’re not losing in the first round of the playoffs.  Tell me, what’s last place like?  It’s been so long since the Giants have visited, I can’t remember a thing about it.  And aren’t you behind a team whose name means ‘The The City of Angels Angels of Anaheim’?”

        A’s fan: “Hmm?  Oh, you mean the Angels, right.  Yeah, they’re not a bad team though.  In fact, I think they won the World Series a few years back.  Don’t remember who they beat, though.  I just remember they did it in the most excruciating of fashions.  Oh…oh, God.  I’m sorry.  Really, I am.  I completely forgot.”

        Giants fan: “No, it’s OK, really.  I have faith that my team will be back again soon.  After all, as long as we have money, we can compete.  You guys, on the other hand, I’m a little worried about.  Baseball uses you like a mail-order catalog.  Need an All-Star first baseman?  A couple of ace starters?  A dominant closer or two?  The A’s are only too happy to help.  Other teams take whatever they need from you, and you can’t do anything about it.  By the way, did you steal the money for this train ticket, or did you hop the turnstyle?”

        A’s fan: “Yeah, the Giants are putting all that money to good use, too.  Who’s your catcher this season, Santiago?”

        Giants fan: “Actually, it’s Mike Matheny.”

        A’s fan: “Oh, right, Matheny!  Were Darren Daulton and Mike LaValliere unavailable?  I didn’t realize that buying a new barca lounger for Bonds for each home game left you so strapped for cash.”

        Giants fan: “Speaking of strapped for cash, what happened to your shortstop?  The little Dominican fellow who showed such great hustle?  What ever became of him?  I thought I had read in The Chronicle recently that he was generating some MVP buzz this season, but I haven’t seen him in any A’s games yet this year.  Ohhhh, that’s riiiiiight…  silly me, always so forgetful.”

        A’s fan: “You would read The Chronicle.”

        Giants fan: “As opposed to, say, “Moneyball”?  Yep, it’s pretty easy to claim that batting average is overrated when your team is hitting .220 collectively.  That’s like Tampa Bay saying that winning is overrated.”

        A’s fan: “You know what?  Have fun waiting for Bonds to come back.”

        Giants fan: “And you have fun waiting for Hudson and Mulder to come back.  Better yet, have fun waiting for new uniforms.  Tell me, did the A’s pick that lovely green-yellow combination so that when their fans inevitably spill on themselves, no one will notice?”

        A’s fan: “Joe Nathan!”

        And with that, the A’s fan got up and walked away, exiting the train somewhere near downtown San Francisco.  The lively debate ended with a whimper, and we were all forced to go back to the routine of our daily lives, which seemed even less interesting now that we had been exposed to such a passionate display.  The now sizable crowd that had gathered around the two combatants disappointedly went their separate ways, no doubt longing for one more insult, one extra jab.  The A’s fan appeared genuinely saddened at the Hudson-Mulder remark, just as the Giants fan had during the rant about the people at SBC.  The Giants fan exited the train at the same stop, which also serves as the first westbound stop on the San Francisco side of the Bay.  The two fans each went their separate ways, headed for the same location.  They were both en route to SBC Park to wait in line for A’s-Giants tickets, the Battle of the Bay Series, which begins this Friday.  

        For Bay Area baseball fans, there will be no Star Wars this weekend.  No stars of any kind, to be accurate.  Just two struggling teams, each missing their icons of the past, battling for the right to avoid insignificance just one more day.  When the season is over, and the win totals are tallied, this series will mean nothing.  But the bragging rights will carry the weight of the world.  In the Bay Area, this is the World Series.  And for one weekend, the small body of water separating Oakland and San Francisco will certainly look like an ocean.