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Who Let the Dogs Out? Seriously

A night at the dog show. Bad times.So a part of my job means I get free tickets to see certain sporting events. When I first heard this I figured I would be able to walk into Knick games, hang out in the locker-room smoke blunts with Lamar Odom when the Lakers come into town, maybe even pretend to be related to a player to get some leftover NBA groupie. Unfortunately, my bosses have a knack for taking something good and completely ruining it, and again they didn’t fail to disappoint. On February 15th, my bosses decided to send me into the “field”, regrettably the field ended up being the 129th Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. I started the night hoping to rip an idea of Bill Simmons and do a running diary, however, a mixture of vodka and beer ruined that idea as the only thing on my tape recorder is me yelling, yakking or making fun of the audience. But these are a few of the highlights of the show that I can decipher.          

7:25 : I just walked in and the place smells like a kennel. I know immediately that I am going to throw up tonight. Hopefully it won’t be all over the large smelly guy next to me.

7:27: These dogs look like the 8 year olds you see playing soccer with the crazy parents. I just saw two dogs with a completely glazed look in their eyes and an expression that just yells “Can these people relax? This is so embarrassing.”

7:32: Loads of applause for some dog that just walked out, according to the guy next to me the dog won the contest a few years ago. How do they know this is the dog? I may walk in with a golden retriever and be like, “Hey remember me I’m won this in 1993.”

7:44: An extremely weird guy in a “I let the dogs out” T-shirt about 3 sizes too small just informed me that one of the dogs is extremely high energy and that he usually gets the crowd into it.

7:50: Thank god me, Chris and JB snuck in some Absolut otherwise you would be reading this.

7:50: Just killed four people who yelled like 13 year old girls when the herding group came out.

Fortunately there is still time.

8:00: Oh my god there is a laser light show, I haven’t seen Madison Square Garden so happy since Patrick Ewing was still in town.

8:04: This is the part that gets televised on national TV and gets higher ratings than the NHL, and you wonder why it folded.

8:05: Some dog just took a crap on the floor, needless to say that’s better than anything the Knicks have put out there. As you can tell I’m getting drunker and drunker and meaner and meaner.

8:12: It hasn’t been an hour but the mixture of the fat guys armpits next to me and all these dogs is overpowering me. I need some fresh air and a cigarette.

8:32: “Oh my god she just touched the dog’s balls. Who else saw that? Eww.” Directly from my tape recorder.

8:34 – 8:40: 6 minute argument between me and JB on the effects of throwing a cat onto the floor. I say the dogs chase after it; JB argues the fat guy next to me eats it. There’s no wrong answer here.

8:45: You can’t make this up.

    JB: That Pekingese looks like a hairy meatball
    Fat guy next to me: What did you say?
    JB: ….meatball?
    Fat guy: Mmmm.

8:53: I half expected to see signs up all over the place, you know like at wrestling matches. Next year I’m bringing signs that say “Rottweiler 3:16” and “Hey, Rufus show us your tits.”

8:55: Some guy is explaining the way things work to us. Apparently all dogs have owners and handlers. Owners pay tons of money and do nothing while handlers put in tons of hours a day to train the dog. That is officially the worst job ever.

8:56: This guys just keeps on going….apparently there are 19 breeds of dogs and 279 dogs at the Best in Show part…..the last dog won due to it’s showmanship abilities….and one of the species make good cattle dogs. I think I speak for everyone when I say who cares.

9:00: “This judge is a real bitch, I think she enjoys touching the dogs a lot and look at that shit-eating grin on her face.” Exact words from my tape recorder.

9:05: Apparently Bill James does the stats here, I’m hearing things like, “this handler has never won with a german shepherd but she has got 2nd place in the best in show with a retriever.

From here on it gets real fuzzy with just random shouting on my end and random cursing from both Chris and JB. Some German Shorthaired Shephard won and her owner says “She did everything we needed her to, it was her last show and I think she knew.” Yeah you’re right crazy she probably did know. All in all I had a pretty bad time but I have learned a few things today.
1 Christopher Guest didn’t need actors for his movie Best in Show he could have just come and started taping
2 Never come to a dog show again.
3 If you do, remember to bring lots of liquor
4 Don’t come to a dog show anyways.

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