God Denies Any Involvement in T.O. Healing

[Ed note: We’re going to make Wednesdays “Sports Pickle Wednesday”. Especially since today is Thursday. In any case, check out the Pickle for great sports satire.]

Faced with questions as to why He would waste time and effort on healing Terrell Owens after the injured wide receiver stated: “spiritually God is healing me,” God stepped forward today and adamantly denied any role in fixing Owens’s ankle.

“I know I rarely come out and speak publicly,” God said in a prepared statement, “but there is no way I’m going to let Terrell Owens pin his healing on Me. I have a lot more important things to do than speed the recovery of a self-centered malcontent like him. Of course, I could have healed him if I wanted to – being that I’m omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent – but I have to draw the line somewhere. And it’s definitely drawn well above someone with as little class as T.O.”

Owens is now expected to play in Sunday’s game, coming back several weeks ahead of most medical estimates that set a recuperation time of eight to 10 weeks for such a serious injury; Owens’s injury came just six and one-half weeks ago. Many have even called his recovery a “miracle,” something God took issue with.
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“I used to do a lot or miracles in the past – floods, turning people into salt, making a bush catch on fire and talk, that sort of thing. I even do some today now and again on a smaller scale,” said God. “But in no way am I wasting a miracle on that guy’s foot. He wants to dance and strut and draw attention to himself, accuse people of being gay, force himself off of teams by complaining and being divisive, fine – have at it. Do it up. But don’t expect to have Me use a miracle on your ankle and definitely don’t try to credit Me with it. I don’t need that kind of bad publicity. I’ve got enough problems with people killing each other in My name.”

God said that Owens’s rapid healing was simply due to his rehabilitation program and the high-level of care he was given by his doctors and trainers. “I had nothing to do with it,” He stressed.

Rattling off a list of people He feels are more deserving of his help than a rich, spoiled, egomaniacal athlete – from terminally ill children to innocent victims of war – God repeatedly stated that He would be more inclined to work in the receiver’s life if Owens demonstrated any personal growth.

“Saying you’re a spiritual person and then taking every opportunity to draw attention to yourself proves to Me that T.O. is all talk,” said God. “I’m more than happy to hear his concerns if he shows me he is deserving first.”

God did say he will act in Owens’s life in the coming days, however.

“Just wait until Sunday,” said God. “T.O.’s going to catch an eight-yard pass in the second quarter on a crossing pattern and his ankle will buckle grotesquely beneath him. Then he’ll writhe in pain for several minutes and be lost for the game and all of next season. That will be Me doing that. And I’ll gladly take credit for it.”