The North Pole- The latest controversy over Baseball’s Hall of Fame voting took a bizarre turn last night, as Jim Rice, former American League MVP, intentionally petrified five to ten sportswriters in an apparent attempt to scare up some votes… the good old fashioned way.
At this time each year, it’s only natural for sports fans to look back at the year that was — and make their guesses about the upcoming year. Who will win the big game, melt down on the sideline and hook up with Courtney Love in a men’s room stall? While waiting 12 months is the surest way to answer these questions, what fun is that? Without further ado, here are my predictions for the 2007 sports year.
Remember your high school yearbook? Me neither, but I do remember signing them for friends (stay cool, dude!), non-friends (trying to cleverly mix the word “fart” in there somewhere) and wish-they-were-girlfriends (my phone number) like I was some sought-after athlete whose scrawl would be cherished for generations, if not days. Mine of course, would get the standard: Have a Neat Summer! (or was that Kevin Arnold?)
So, living in this fantasy land I call life (or maybe it’s the other way around), I got to dreaming what it would be like if today’s greatest athletes stopped me in some heaven-like high school hallway and asked me to sign their yearbook/media guide.
Here’s what I think I might write:
They’re fun. They’re cute. They’re Criminals (Yuma HS, AZ)! Ah, the life of the sports mascot. Be it high school, college, or the pros, the game just can’t go on without an eight foot tall, oversized, stuffed Banana Slug (UC-Santa Cruz).
I want to be a part of the fun, so I’m going to apply at some of our fine institutions of learning for their coveted mascot positions. I hope they overlook the fact that I, like, don’t actually attend their school.
By David J. Cohen
It was the best game the Seminoles had played all season. They dominated the boards, hit clutch shots, and forced someone other than J.J. Redick and Shelden Williams to make shots in the last minute. The win guaranteed the `Noles a spot in the big dance. Yet, as usual, the FSU fans found a way to screw things up.
Today, we salute you, Mr. Fantasy Football loser.
As you sit with that blank stare, alone, checking statistics on your computer, you ask yourself, “Why oh why didn’t I draft Shaun Alexander?”
[Editor’s Note: SportsPickle.com always seems to nail issues right on the head. We have a healthy contingent of Boston and NY fans on this site so, of course, this story is perfect. The sad part is that this article is satire, yet could just as easily be a real story.]
According to a study set to be released today by the Center for Sports Research, a whopping 96-percent of Boston sports fans have no idea how unbelievably annoying they are to those who are not supporters of the Red Sox, Patriots, Celtics and Bruins.
[editor’s note: last night, I was discussing how womens tennis is a lot more watchable now than in the recent past because of players like Maria Sharapova, Jelena Dokic,and Daniela Hantuchova. Well, thanks to DJ Gallo over at Sports Pickle, Sharapova is a little less sexy.]
Tennis star Maria Sharapova’s status as a sex symbol has only grown thanks to her habit of on-court grunting, moaning and screaming with each shot – noises that sound more suited to a porno soundtrack than a professional tennis court.
But the 18-year old beauty doesn’t refrain from screaming in other avenues of her life either, eliciting grunts and moans while doing everything from lifting a milk carton to signing an autograph. And even when – and especially when, according to reports – taking a dump.
[Ed note: From our friends at Sports Pickle comes a sad tale of mistaken identity.]
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick spoke out to the press today, disclosing that his close friend Ron Mexico not only has genital herpes, but gonorrhea, too, and asked that if anyone has any penicillin or other antibiotics, to please make them available so he can pass them along to Mexico.
[ed note: just in time for the March Madness comes this great story from Sports Pickle for everyone who hates Duke.]
In an interview with ESPN on Sunday night in which J.J. Redick discussed how he has dealt with being the most hated player in college basketball, the Duke guard also talked about a personal secret he’s glad his hecklers are not aware of: his tiny, one-and-a-half inch penis.