[Ed: Another great article from The Sports Pickle. Check out more stories like this at Sportspickle.com.]
Former Lakers and Bulls coach Phil Jackson said on Monday that he would consider taking the Knicks’ head coaching position if team president Isiah Thomas offers it to him. But Jackson said he would have one demand of the organization. “I need at least five future Hall of Fame players on the roster,” said Jackson. “Give me that and I’m there. I had two in Chicago, and three or four last year in Los Angeles, and now I want five or more. I don’t want to take a step down. If that happens, I’ll be the next coach of the New York Knicks.”
And the Oscar goes to…?
Jackson, who is tied with former Boston coach Red Auerbach for the most championships in NBA history with nine, said he is not interested in taking over a team that needs to be rebuilt at this stage of his career.
“I’ve been down that road already in Chicago,” said Jackson. “Well, not really, I guess. When I took over Michael Jordan was in his prime and Scottie Pippen was just starting to come into his own. L.A. then – that was sort of some rebuilding that I did there. They hadn’t won a championship in a few years and I only had Shaq and Kobe to work with … ah, never mind. So maybe I’ve only ever taken jobs with teams stacked with talent, and perhaps I’m a bit of a fraud, but that’s not the point here. The point that I’m trying to make is that I’m not interested in rebuilding the Knicks.”
Jackson said he has analyzed the Knicks’ roster and identified specific areas in which Thomas needs to improve the team before he would accept the job.
First, at point guard, Jackson says Stephon Marbury needs be replaced.
“He doesn’t play the type of style I like,” said Jackson. “Doesn’t Jason Kidd want to be traded? I’ll take him.”
At shooting guard, Jackson said he would like to see Jamal Crawford and Allan Houston shipped out for Ray Allen and Dwyane Wade.
“There needs to be significant improvement at that position and those guys would do it,” he said. “Plus, Houston makes way too much money. I have no idea who thought it was a good idea to give him such a large contract in the first place.”
Jackson also identified significant needs along New Yorks front line.
“I can’t even name who they have playing inside now, but I know they’re not Hall of Famers,” he said. “Get me Amare Stoudamire, Jermaine O’Neal and Shaq and we’re in business.”
With Lenny Wilkens’ resignation just a few days old, Jackson said he is willing to wait a week or two for his demands to be met. “I know all of these deals can’t be made overnight, so I’m willing to be patient,” he said. “But if they could trade Crawford and Vin Baker to Heat right now for Wade and Shaq I’d see it as a sign of good faith. Oh, and I’d really like it if they could get LeBron James. I wouldn’t mind hitching myself to his star for a decade or so. He could be my new Jordan and I could ride his coattails into permanent retirement.”
Thomas officially had no comment on Jackson’s demands, but a source close to the team president said they will do what they can to make it happen.
“What Phil needs to realize is that the main reason we suck is because we’re saddled with a roster of undesirable players with huge contracts,” said the source. “Nobody wants to trade with us so we can’t get better. And with all due respect, anybody could coach a team with the seven All-Stars he wants us to get.”
[ed note: this article is a work of satire in case you didn’t know.]
