Bidding for Bush

By Alex Fitzsimmons, email [email protected]

It doesn’t have playoff implications. It’s not Marino vs. Montana. In fact, this game is about as meaningful as the NHL. But it’s the game I’ll be watching Week 17.When the 2-13 Houston Texans limp into San Francisco to take on the 3-12 49ers, I’ll be there…popcorn, soda, foam finger–the whole deal. Not because this game is important, and not because I have money on it, but because the loser of this game gets to take home the greatest thing since the ipod: Reggie Bush.

The Texans’ season has been riddled with harrowing defeats. Take Week 12, at home, against the Rams–the Texans lost in Overtime, 33-27, thanks to third string quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick, (hence the words “third string” and “Ryan Fitzpatrick”) who threw a 56 yard touchdown pass to the sparsely-utilized Kevin Curtis to lift St. Louis to victory.

And it happened again, the very next week, in Baltimore, where Ravens kicker Matt Stover, despite a laudable 155 yards rushing by Domanick Davis, clunked a 38 yard field goal to down Houston by one point, 16-15. Talk about hitting the jugular.

But, wait, it gets better. The Texans lost again the following week to the equally as paltry Tennessee Titans, 13-10. With no time left, Texans’ kicker Kris Brown shanked a 31 yard field goal so far left, it looked like clip straight out of a Michael Moore film.

All in all, the Texans lost those three games, in consecutive weeks, by a combined score of 10 points. Now all Houston needs to do is muster up one last defeat to snatch the first pick in the NFL Draft. Sounds easy, right? Not when you’ve got the hapless 49ers on the opposing sideline.

Contrary to the Texans, who lost a lot of stomach-twisters, the 49ers were doused without putting up much of an effort–the 49ers lost four games this season by 25 points or more, and on three occasions, the 49ers scored 10 points or less. Blowouts to Seattle, 41-3, and Philadelphia, 42-3, highlight San Fran’s shoddy, wretched, desolate 05′ campaign.

But to put the 49ers’ season into better perspective, let’s compare them to the best running back in football, Shaun Alexander. The silky smooth footwork, the cerebral patience, the shifty hips, combined with a down-n-dirty, helmet to helmet running style, have made Alexander the most feared back in the league. But certainly, he’s only one player, how can he compare to an entire team?

Here’s how: Alexander has seen the end zone more times than the entire 49ers team–and it isn’t even close. Alexander has more rushing yards than the 49ers, and San Francisco have amassed less passing yards than Alexander’s rushing total. Now that’s pathetic.

But here’s what’s even more pathetic: combined, the Texans and 49ers only have 14 more touchdowns, and that includes special teams and defense, than Shaun Alexander, who only plays offense.

Now, about that game they’re playing, it’s difficult to analyze a game in which there’s nothing to analyze. There are so few positive statistics about these two teams, that it becomes a question of who has fewer faults. And that’s a debate worth my time.

Both of these teams have anemic offenses–Houston is ranked second last and San Fran is ranked dead last in total yards per game–and both of these teams have porous defenses–again, Houston ranked second last in yards allowed per game and San Fran clocking in with the worst rating.

But if there is one bright spot, it’s the Texans’ running game, anchored by Domanick Davis. The 5-9, 221 lb running back out of LSU is on track to rush for 1,000 yards for the third straight season. His quick feet and low center of gravity is about all the Texans have going for them. Houston’s running attack is a mediocre 13th in the NFL, but compared to the 49ers’ 27th ranked running game, it’s an advantage.

But, since the whole idea is to lose this game to get the first pick in the draft, maybe the Texans will bench Davis…no, that would be too obvious. Just have him fake an injury…no, that’s immoral. Hey, why not just “neglect” to utilize him. That’s it, say Davis’ style doesn’t matchup well against the menacing front seven of the 49ers. Perfect.

But what about San Fran? What should their strategy be to lose this game? How about going for it on 4th and 23, or punting the ball on 2nd and two. Why not just make it easy and play all the backups–to be honest, they wouldn’t fair a whole lot worse than the starters.

The truth of the matter is that these teams are chronic losers–it’s in their blood, it’s instinctual. The same way man yearns for beer and football, the Texans and 49ers have a desire to lose. They’re like junkies: if they win for too long they start getting the munchies and go into withdrawal.

So, when fans watch these two sorry excuses play, and they think, “Wow, they’re so bad, they must be rigging the game,” they’re really not. They are actually that bad. It’s not like these teams need to rig a game. They’d probably do worse just playing normally.

And what’s the fuss over this Reggie Bush guy anyway? How can a team with such a paucity of talent improve with the addition of just one player?

Easy. Bush embodies the grittiness of Emmitt Smith, the slick elusiveness of Barry Sanders, the knock-your-teeth-out mentality of Jim Brown, and the pure track-running explosiveness of O.J. Simpson–all rolled up neatly into one man.

This season, Bush is averaging almost 9 yards per carry…pause to suck drool from gaping mandible…he also has 31 receptions for 383 yards and has a total of 17 touchdowns. Whether you line him up behind a 250 lb fullback, alone in the backfield, or in the slot as a wide out, he will produce. And no matter how many defenders a defense sticks on him, Bush will shred them, burn them, and eventually get them benched. He’s just that good.

That’s why it’s imperative for the Texans and 49ers to lose this game. They need Reggie Bush. Look back 10 years from now, and see which team accumulates more wins–the team that lost in Week 17, and subsequently signed Reggie Bush, or the team that won and had to settle for a mere mortal. You can bet your bottom dollar the team with Bush will have the better record.

On Sunday, January 1st, 2006, history will be made. One team will earn the right to a future Hall of Fame runner, and improve their team dramatically, while the other will settle for just another player with no cemented future. And you can bet I’ll be there–with my popcorn, my soda, and my foam finger–to witness it.