How To Make People Like Hockey Again

No sport ever completely recovers from a strike or lockout. Some fans will still hold a little bit of resentment about the way that adults acted like children when it comes to sports. Work stoppages hurt everyone, not just those playing the games or owning the teams. The sad reality is that the hockey lockout could have been avoided. After having to cancel a season, the players took a deal that was worse than what they were originally offered. No matter how much money you have made there are still bills to be paid, child support and alimony to dish out.
I am shocked at how well the salary cap and player salary structure has worked out. It is exciting to look and see an All-Star sign with a team that never could have afforded him before. This may bring about parity like the NFL, but smart well-managed teams will develop a winning program. The biggest problem with the reshuffling of the league’s players is a lack of continuity. It is tough to remember who signed with what team, and if after a year layoff, a star will still be a star. Expect the big name players who are at the end of their careers to slow down in the second half of the season, but the young players who played in the minors last year to become the game’s new stars.

Hockey needs to move on and bring the fans back into the arenas, which will be much easier said than done. Gary Bettman and associates need some ideas, not only on how to improve the game but also on how to make right with the fans. Luck for him I am here, I have the keys to his office, Tony Twist, Rob Ray, Bob Probert, and the Hanson brothers by my side, and I am not leaving until Mr. Commish gets the message. (No not the gender questionable “Mbop” Hanson Brothers either, the Slapshot trio). Here are the demands in no particular order

1.    Establish young stars that will bring a fresh face to the game. Yzerman, Lemiuex, Leetch, and Forsberg are names we all know and didn’t forget. Get the word out on future superstars such as Patrice Bergeron.
2.    Any odd-man rush that is broken up inside the blue line by a defensive penalty will now result in a penalty shot.
3.    No shootouts, no ties. If a game ends in a tie score after sixty minutes play 4- on- 4 until a team scores. It might take five minutes it may take forty minutes; let a true winner be decided.
4.    Bring back the Glow Puck and Flaming Slapshot that Fox used in the mid 90’s. Some people hated it but ratings went up and unless you have High Def on your television seeing the puck can be a chore.
5.    Don’t shave an inch or two off goalie pads, make them wear 1970’s equipment, except for the ugly masks.
6.    A bigger ice surface. 12 feet longer and 5 feet wider. This will open the game up more as players have gotten bigger.
7.    Put sponsors on jerseys (see European hockey jerseys). This will help bring in revenue that can be passed onto the fans in lower prices for tickets, food, souvenirs, etc.
8.     Cheerleaders. Hot women, cold temperatures, you do the math.
9.    If a team scores a power play goal, the player stays in the penalty box the entire length of the penalty.
10.    If two players get in a fight, the loser gets two more minutes in the box, the winner gets two fewer. Mike Tyson will have an office and will review all fights. Within a minute after the fight, he will appear on the Jumbotron and squeak out the winner. If there is no clear-cut winner the players will fight in the penalty box.
11.    A redistribution draft would have worked but since hardly any players were under contract, make everyone a free agent if you were drafted before 2001.
12.    Offsides is now a thing of the past.
13.    If goalies want to leave the net to handle the puck, then let them be fair game for checking like any other player.
14.    If you are in front of the net, you can use your skate or hand to knock the puck into the net. The only exception is that you can’t throw the puck into the net.
15.    Barry Melrose and his mullet are now the supreme authority in hockey. You deserve to be suspended, he dishes out the penalty.
16.    Coaches can go onto the ice to argue with a ref about a call, but only if it is a call involving a goal.
17.    Players get stickers on their helmets like college football players do. You don’t get the stickers for goals, you get them for hustle plays, killing penalties, etc. Give the hard workers credit.
18.    After the college season is over, a new draft takes place so that the undrafted players end up going to the teams that need them the most. Base the draft order on the league standings.
19.    Las Vegas gets a team (expansion), the Hurricanes move back to Hartford, the Panthers and one other American team move to Canada.
20.    All Canadian teams pay players in US Dollars. Adjust the salary cap to match the exchange rate so Canadian teams don’t get squeezed.
21.    The Red Wings can now have their fans throw octopus on the ice again.
22.    More mascots, but not stupid cartoon characters. (Phillie Phanatic is a good model, Wally the Green Monster is not.)
23.    More give away nights. Give shirts, bobbleheads, mini sticks, cards, anything but pucks which will end up on the ice.
24.    Season ticket holders get bonuses like meet and greets, autograph sessions, etc.
25.    Open at least one practice per week to the public. Charge about $3 per person and donate the money to charity.
26.    All ticket revenues from the preseason to help reimburse the zamboni drivers, t-shirt vendors, and stadium employees who lost their jobs last year.

That is all the changes for now. “Probert and Ray, stop working over Bettman, he won’t pee for a week after what you did to his kidneys”. Twist and the Hansons are going to stay around as Mr. Commissioner’s “Special Assistants”.

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