Another Season Down the Drains

Call me Ernie Banks. Call me the 1918-2003 Red Sox. Call me the pre-2004 Phil Mickelson, for I am cursed.I can’t win a fantasy league.

Inspired by the affable lefty, who broke his unfortunate Majors losing streak in Augusta, Georgia, this year, I entered two Yahoo! fantasy football leagues. I was ready to break my losing streak. I should have known that this year wasn’t my year when I missed the first two rounds of my private league accidentally, and the computer auto-selected Randy Moss and Marshall Faulk for me–when it turns out that the top twenty-nine rated players were all quarterbacks. I’m not making up the fact that LaDainian Tomlinson registered two more points than Jeff Garcia did. Maybe it also should have been an omen that Travis Henry and Steve Smith were my third and fourth choices, respectively, in my public league. The Fantasy Football Gods were roaring at me. Unfortunately, I don’t have the Marquis Weeks instinct to know when to run. I was a Red Sox fan starting the always referenced “next year.” I believed.

And, whaddyaknow?, I won my first game of the public league, behind first round selection Ahman Green and second round pick Donovan McNabb. But, of course, I wasn’t as fortunate in my private league. Going into Monday Night Football, I was leading. Then, my opponent said hello to his little friend, Quentin Griffin. Of course, Griffin erupted for his best game of the season against me. I should have known.

Nevertheless, I trudged on, confident as ever. I went on a three game winning streak in my private league, and even occupied first place. After losing one game, I took four in a row, catapulting myself into first place for one week. That week? The week after the Red Sox won the World Series. This was my year.

While I was thriving in the private league, things weren’t faring so well in my public league. I was 3-2 after five weeks in the head-to-head competition, and I needed something to change. I put on my general manager game face. It was time to win a league. I threw Drew Bennett into the starting lineup. Replaced my former kicker with Nate Kaeding. Fired Henry, hired Nick Goings. Tired of the old school nonsense, I revamped the entire team with a new school edge. My acquisitions repaid me, going on a five game winning streak to end the season with a 10-4 record. I was heading to the playoffs with the #2 seed.

On the other hand, my private league team took a turn for the worse. Moss was injured, Roy Williams was injured, Faulk saw his carries eliminated by Stephen Jackson, David Givens saw his receptions eliminated by the return of Deion Branch, etc, etc. After being in first place, I went into the playoffs with the #5 seed. I was going to be the true Cinderella story.

In the first round of the 8 team private league playoffs, I faced a kid two years younger than me. My friend’s kid brother. As he was the only kid shorter than me in the playoffs, I felt it was my duty to harass him all week. Sent him random instant messages. Cornered him in hallways. Verbally abused him. I told him it was my goal to beat him, humiliate him, and make him cry on Tuesday morning. Except for one thing: I was down going into Monday Night Football. I needed Trent Green to outscore Derrick Blaylock by nineteen points for the win. Needless to say, I was a nervous wreck. How could I let this puny kid, whose team name was Eli Rules, for chrissake, beat me? Here’s a scary sentence: my fantasy season was in the hands of Trent Green. And Trent Green came through for me, outscoring Blaylock by twenty-six points. I was in the next round.

The first round of the public league 4 team playoffs wasn’t even close. Thanks to Bennnett (who had foolishly been on the bench the week before with TJ Duckett, when they combined for seven touchdowns), Eddie Kennison, and Ahman Green, I cruised to a thirty point victory. I was going to the `ship.

Meanwhile, in the semifinals of the private league, I faced the #1 seed. A team called WatchYoBak, owned by the starting middle linebacker on our varsity football team. And, even more scary, a team with a certain someone named Peyton Manning. Nevertheless, I heckled this kid too. I was confident that Manning wouldn’t put up a big game, as he faced the vaunted Ravens defense. This was my year, and I wasn’t going to let a guy wearing a horseshoe on his helmet beat me. And, luckily for my body, my team stepped up huge. My receiving corps, Jimmy Smith, Rod Smith, and Moss combined for fifty points, and my two quarterbacks, T. Green and Joey Harrington combined for eighty points en route to another thirty point win. I was going to the `ship. Again.

I had two chances to finally win a league. Two chances to enter a Winner’s League next year. Two chances to become the Fantasy Football Boston Red Sox.

In the private league, the more competitive league, I was facing the league’s hottest team. A team that had started 0-4 and sneaked into the playoffs, thanks, in large part, due to the inspired play of Brett Favre and Muhsin Muhammad. Hell, the name was even scarier than WatchYoBak: Phalanx. As in the old Roman army sect. And the league’s hottest team dismantled me. Absolutely crushed me. For the first time in weeks, my players failed me. Of course, it happened during championship weekend. The Miami defense scored more points than my top receiver and top running back, combined. `Nuff said. Another season down the tubes.

And, so, it all came down to my public league. I was playing for a spot in a Winner’s League. This was my Super Bowl. And, of course, my players failed me. I lost again. Got killed in fact, by over thirty points. Once again, Muhammad killed me. Here’s something that sums up my season: I needed McNabb to score thirty-eight points on Monday night for me to win. His best weapon, Terrell Owens gets hurt in the previous week. And then, McNabb plays for one series, scores a touchdown, and then sits out because the Eagles had wrapped up a playoff spot. Kill me now, Andy Reid.

But don’t worry, folks. Tell the fantasy football world that I’ll be back next year. Is Johnny Damon available for the football season?