A weekend unlike any other: Not mastering sleep on Delta

Somewhat about sports, somewhat not, somewhat pointless, somewhat sharp…“What could be better than a weekend away from a spam-ridden, pop-up infested, CBS news slow computer?”

I recall saying that, or rather thinking that, no rather knowing that (oh screw this, you know what I mean) Friday morning when I got up at 4:13 AM EDT to catch a flight at 6:00 AM EDT out of MacArthur Airport on Delta Connection operated by Comair.

Now, for those who have never flown out of MacArthur Airport in Islip, NY, let me inform you of it first. It is no more than 20 gates, which is 2-3 times the number of seats on each plane. You can fit more people in a Mazda than a Delta Connection Plane. Not to mention, I’ve had more leg room on Continental.

But let us not drift from my wonderful weekend.

I was in an Exit Row, which literally translates to English as “Get asked 14,000 questions over half the flight to make sure you are capable of opening a door. If I did not know how to open a door, I probably would still be in my house.

But yet again, I have digressed.

Now, I don’t mean to offend the person who I sat next to, as this was a nice person, but bluntly saying he was fat. I was squeezed to say the least. All the way on a plane traveling snailish speeds to Cincinnati, or rather Covington County Airport in Northern Kentucky. We arrived there, eventually, and then I boarded a flight to Chicago O’Hare (please, don’t apologize. I actually like O’Hare).

I could not sleep on that first leg, and by the second leg (and 16th coffee) I was completely half-awake. I was in an exit room with no one in the middle seat so I had room and sat down and did the same exact Delta Magazine (or whatever it is called) crossword puzzle for the second time. Needless to say, the first leg had no entertainment, and neither did the second leg, unless you include a 45 minute delay in the runway watching planes headed to cities where it was actually warm take off.

But yet again, this was a great weekend. Let me get back to the good stuffs.

I (eventually) reached Chicago (I think) and rented a car. I forgot to mention that I was with 2 other people (only one on the plane ride), and I did not drive. It was actually warm. Scratch that. It was muggy and humid. I got the blunt end of the deal and had to sleep on the foldout couch at the Embassy Suites Hotel. At least dinner was good.

Well now let me tie sports into this story.

I got tickets for the Northwestern homecoming game against Purdue from the Head Wrestling coach (or rather, someone I was traveling with got the tickets). We ended up sitting in the wrong seats (purposely) right in the front row of the Purdue section (which statistically was more than half of the stadium).

Now, I was told there was a game. I do not know for sure. What I do know was that the winds knocked over half of the Purdue cheerleading team (seriously), which was actually only three people out of the six total that they traveled.

The rest of the first half was spent harassing Purdue Pete.

I pointed to my Northwestern Hat, and he pointed to the Purdue logo on his hammer and all the way down field where Purdue had driven.

I pointed to the kicker who had just fallen over practicing kicks, and he pointed to the scoreboard which read 10-7 Purdue.

I pointed to the ground as Purdue had just been sacked and he pointed to the hot cheerleader in the middle (out of the three females).

Later on the Wildcat mascot, Willie the Wildcat, came over to taunt Purdue Pete and high-five the half-dozen Northwestern fans in the Purdue section. He then proposed to the center cheerleader, who was clearly the hottest (oh my god was she hot), and then ran off. Meanwhile, Purdue Pete had to hold his headpiece on for fear that it would fly off in the wind (which had knocked over a lot of people and equipment).

By this point Purdue had failed to score, then Northwestern gave the ball back, and a lot more time had come off of the second quarter clock. I would not return to the Purdue section after half-time as it was freezing for the two people I was with but not me (I was prepared). We moved three times, and then I caught some of the game (after incorrectly answering the trivia question on the screen).

Northwestern drove down the field and scored in the final minute and guess what, they missed the extra point.

Now, saying I had not seen anything would be a lie. I had seen the muffed punts by Northwestern and the dropped passes by Purdue (NU can’t drop a pass when they fail to go down field on all but two throws for the entire game). But on the most part, I caught very little for one reason or the other.

Damn, I skipped something. I got in an argument when I went to the concession stand with a Purdue fan up in the stands. I don’t recall who started it (actually, I yelled “Purdue sucks” when he was mocking some NU fans for the 10-7 Purdue lead), but he said “Hey, have you seen the scoreboard?” and I said “Yes, it says there is enough time for Purdue to blow it like they did against Wisconsin.” He turned to a different subject.

But after Taylor Stumble, no Stubblefield dropped 2 passed in the final 10 seconds, one which would have been the game winning touchdown, Northwestern held on to a 13-10 win. I wish I could say the same thing about my hat. I chased it for 200 yards and finally got it.

Upon leaving, I walked a world-record 8.44 100-yard thanks to the wind, and I am not joking. It was that strong. Ruben Studdard from American Idol II could have set a new world record easily.

We got a ride back to Chicago and went to Gene & Georgetti’s for lunch/dinner because the Chicago Chop House did not open until 4:00pm CDT and it was only 3:15 CDT. Meals were good while I was in Chicago, but of course you knew that. I am talking about how great this weekend was.

I slept, or rather rolled over on an uncomfortable something for the night after Miami lost to North Carolina and my Gators lost to Georgia. The Gators are now officially eliminated from SEC title contention. Honestly, can they win two out of three with Vanderbilt, South Carolina, and Florida State remaining? I don’t think they can win one.

Wow, I have drifted to a different time zone, which is what Chicago became when I stopped trying to get to sleep in the morning. It was now 6:45am CST, or “really” 7:45am CST.

Now I had to catch a flight back on Delta, even though I was in no way going to anything remotely concerned with any delta.

So I had my customary two exit row seats on two quick flights with the exact same crossword I had already did two times before, while reading a newspaper that supports George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and some guy from district x on the opposite side of the state that nobody who reads the Chicago Tribune would have actually ever heard of.

There were no delays, but we did manage to hit a bird during takeoff and they came on and told us. Why? Don’t ask. I really don’t know. But they told us.

We get to Covington International Airport and Chile Distribution Center and I get some Chile for lunch. The sundial said that I spent three hours in the bathroom on the airplane, but I would venture to guess more.

I caught some football at the airport, but that is only because this guy had really bad aim and accidentally through it right at me. I got to see the Packers almost collapse in the final minute of the first half, and then caught a great Delta Connection flight back home.

I sat next to some Russian or something professor or doctor or student (I don’t know for sure, but all of those words came up on his laptop that I looked at a couple of times). I did the same crossword again, this time in 10 minutes (I made it seem realistic. I did not suddenly get the big clue right away). Unfortunately, nobody paid attention.

Eventually, I get back. I am dressed in a sweatshirt with a hood, a windbreaker on the outside, and warm long pants, and it is 72 degrees Fahrenheit. I then make the long walk through parking lots to my car and go home. It is only 5:15pm EST, but it is dark.

There is only one lane open for parking, so I wait 15 minutes to get out. When I finally reach the front, good ole Murphy shot his law out on me and they opened a second gate. I went home, found out I went 5-7 in my office pool, and dropped seven games off the pace.

Then I got my first pop-up and realized it was all over.

But hey, at least I got a weekend away from my spam-ridden, pop-up infested, CBS news slow computer, and just in time to get 4 billion two-year-olds barrage me with demands for candy.

Until next weekend when I fly to Miami, I will have to put up with this computer. Then I will have to come back and put up with it again.

But hey, at least I got a weekend away from my spam-ridden, pop-up infested, CBS news slow computer.