It’s Tebow Time Somewhere

by Matt Wells

I’ll admit it: I’m on board with Tebow Mania; I drank the Kool-Aid and joined the Cult of Tebow.  I’m a general football fan with no real favorite team, but I became a Broncos fan when Tebow became the team’s starting QB halfway through the 2011 season.  I was thrilled when he led the comeback over the Miami Dolphins in Week 7.  I was as excited as Tebow was when he threw the game-winning touchdown in the playoff win over Pittsburgh, and I turned the TV off when Denver was losing to the Patriots by 117 points at halftime in the AFC Divisional Playoffs.

For reasons that have unfolded over the last 24 hours, I choose not to root for the Denver Broncos this coming season.  Even when Denver was winning, you could tell John Elway was uncomfortable with the direction his franchise was heading.  I can see Elway’s point of view; he didn’t draft Tebow, the previous regime did.  However, you could at least feign a little interest when your team is doing well.  Elway failed to do that.

I feel bad for Tebow and hate the way the organization has treated him.  Yes, I get it.  Peyton Manning is coming.  A “real” QB.  He’s someone who will be able to complete more than 60% of his passes.  Tebow could still end up in Denver as Manning’s backup, but that’s unlikely.  Tebow got the short end of the stick, and since I drank the Tebow Kool-Aid (and will continue to once he reaches his new destination), I believe Tebow Time can still exist for each of the other 31 NFL organizations.  Let’s get to it!

New England Patriots: CORNER/SAFETY.  Coach Bill Belichick has a way with using different players in different situations and schemes.  It worked for Julian Edelman.  Imagine this: Patriots holding on to a 1 point lead…Manning drives the Broncos down the field…his pass is picked off by Tebow.  What we would endure next would be pandemonium.

New York Jets: PUBLIC RELATIONS.  Say what you will about Mark Sanchez, but his stats weren’t that bad last season.  The problem is his leadership and his inability to say the right thing (just like his coach).  Insert Tebow.  Tebow would twist the words of Sanchez and Rex Ryan into positives.  Heck, even if Tebow just repeats Rex Ryan’s rants, they come off better.  Oh, Rex Ryan stupidly predicted a Super Bowl win?  Oh, but it came from the mouth of Tebow?  Well, he’s likeable, so all is forgiven.

Miami Dolphins: QB.  Yep, this is one of the “real” suggestions.  Bring Tebow back to the state of Florida.  It will re-energize a franchise that has had a miserable off-season with no Peyton Manning or Matt Flynn signings.  Remember how electric Sun Life Stadium was when Tebow played there last season?  How electric would it be if he was actually on the home team?

Buffalo Bills: DEFENSIVE END.  We know Tebow knows how to rush with the football.  How can he rush without the football?  With Mario Williams on side and Tebow on the other, opposing quarterbacks could have their hands full (I’m looking at you, Brady).

Baltimore Ravens: WILDCAT QB.  Remember that?  The Dolphins were successful with Ronnie Brown years back.  The Jets, for some reason, still use it.  The Ravens could bring Tebow in to just run the Wildcat formation.  This could fool defenses.  Will Tebow hand it off to all-Pro running back Ray Rice?  Will he run it?  Will he throw it?  He has decent receivers.  That solid Pittsburgh defense won’t know what hit them.

Pittsburgh Steelers: BACKUP QB/SLOT WR.  Remember Kordell “Slash” Stewart?  Say hello to Tim “Slash” Tebow.  He has enough experience at the QB position to back up Ben Rothlisberger, he has enough speed and agility to make running plays exciting, and he can replace Hines Ward as the team’s slot receiver.  I shall call him “New Slash.”

Cleveland Browns: RUNNING BACK.  The Browns just lost Peyton Hillis, their bruising back, during free agency.  Enter Tebow, who will turn around the Browns past misfortunes into triumphs…with just his legs! 

Cincinnati Bengals: TEAM CHAPLAIN.  I stopped counting how many Bengals have gone to prison over the last five yearsYes, their situation has improved greatly, but the religious Tebow could be signed by Cincy to help keep the Bengals players on the straight and narrow.

Indianapolis Colts: QB.  Yes, yes, we all know the Colts are drafting Andrew Luck first overall in the upcoming draft.  But, just imagine the story lines for this one.  Manning replaces Tebow in Denver; Tebow replaces Manning in Indy.  [George Takei voice]  Oh my…..

Houston Texans: DEFENSIVE END.  Hey, if he can play defensive end in Buffalo, he can do it in Houston.  The Texans have a huge hole with the departure of the aforementioned Mario Williams.  Defensive Coordinator Wade Phillips has proven he knows how to work with talent.  Time to mold Tebow into the next Williams.

Tennessee Titans: DESIGNATED “HOME RUN THROWBACK” PLAYER ON KICK RETURNS.  Remember the “Music City Miracle”?  How would you like to see that every time the Titans take a kickoff?  Tebow adds the element of surprise: he can either run the kick back or throw it across the field to activate the “Home Run Throwback” play.  Opposing special teams units won’t know what’s coming.

Jacksonville Jaguars: QB.  This is another “legit” one.  The Jaguars need fans; their home games are getting blacked out.  Enter Tebow, who returns to the state where his legend started.  Fans show up, Tebow helps the team win four more games than they did the previous year, and everyone is happy.  Everyone except Blaine Gabbert, probably.

Oakland Raiders: DEFENSIVE BACK.  If he can play in the secondary in New England, he can do it in Oakland.  The Raiders have lost Nnamdi Asomugha and Stanford Routt to free agency in each of the last two years.  Plus, Tebow will get his revenge on Peyton Manning by intercepting his passes for two games each season.

Kansas City Chiefs: ENDZONE PAINTER.  Remember the guy in the Snickers commercial who misspelled “Chiefs” in the endzone?  Tebow seems like a smart kid, so I don’t think the Chiefs would ever have that problem again.  “Hey, that’s great, but who are the ‘Chefs’?”

San Diego Chargers: GOAL-LINE RUNNING BACK. With Mike Tolbert getting signed by the Carolina Panthers, the Chargers need a new goal-line running back.  This keeps Ryan Mathews healthy and Tebow, who has shown a knack for running in two-point conversions, gets the TDs.  Win-win.

Dallas Cowboys: FOURTH QUARTER QB.  Current quarterback Tony Romo seems to play well through three quarters, then collapses in the fourth.  Tebow falls apart in the first three quarters, then explodes in the fourth.  Solution: have Romo play the first three quarters with Tebow closing it out.  Tebow could be the Mariano Rivera to Romo’s C.C. Sabathia.

New York Giants: MASCOT.  The New York Football Giants do not have a mascot.  Tebow could dress up as “Goliath,” the team’s new mascot.  It serves three purposes: 1) “Goliath” is a synonym for “Giant”,  2) being defending Super Bowl champs, the Giants are the “Goliaths” of the league, and 3) “Goliath” is a well-known name from The Bible, a book Tebow has probably heard of before.

Washington Redskins: RUNNING BACK.  If there’s one thing coach Mike Shanahan can do, it’s turn an ordinary runner into an elite running back.  The Redskins, who have had 249 different starting running backs over the last two years, have room for one more.  Under Shanahan’s system, Tebow could probably rush for over 1,000 yards and take some pressure off of (presumed) rookie QB Robert Griffin III.

Philadelphia Eagles: EAGLES FAN.  I thought long and hard about this.  The Eagles fan base has booed Santa Claus and cheered/jeered an almost-paralyzed Michael Irvin.  If Tebow were a backup QB, he would get booed when he failed.  If he were the mascot..booed.  PA announcer: booed when he would congratulate an opposing player on a nice play over the loud speaker.  Scoreboard operator: booed if he screwed up.  Ticket Taker: booed when he took too long to check tickets.  How do you beat an Eagles fan?  Join ’em!!!

Detroit Lions: NDAMUKONG SUH ADVISER.  Suh is a terrific player but he has a bad reputation, especially after the Thanksgiving Day stomp game versus Green Bay last year.  Enter the gentle Tebow, who will teach Suh the path to self-preservation and respect for others.  Suh is still a beast on the field, mind you, but he’s more aware of his surroundings and his bad rep does a 180.

Green Bay Packers: TOUCHDOWN DANCE COORDINATOR.  Look, we all got sick of the “Discount Double Check” thanks to the State Farm commercials airing 422 times per NFL game.  Aaron Rodgers needs a new endzone celebration.  Forget the “Discount Double Check.”  Rodgers won’t “Tebow” either.  I don’t know what the in-between is (a “Discount Double Check” on one knee?), but I’m sure the collective heads of Rodgers and Tebow could figure it out.

Minnesota Vikings: CONTRACTOR.  The Vikings need a new stadium and have talked with the city of Minnesota regarding how, when, and where one can be built.  If Tebow is put in place as contractor, and the new stadium is the best in the NFL, the new Vikings stadium will be called “The House That Tebow Built.”

Chicago Bears: ASSISTANT GENERAL MANAGER.  The Bears fired old GM Jerry Angelo after the 2011 season.  New GM Phil Emery might still be learning the ropes.  You know how the saying goes: “two heads is better than one.”

New Orleans Saints: DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.  The Saints are getting bad publicity nowadays because of the bounty scandal.  Hire good-guy Tebow to be the new D-Coordinator, and those bad images melt away.  The Saints defensive players play fairly, they treat others with more respect and BOOM, they’re back in everyone’s good graces.

Carolina Panthers: GOAL-LINE QB.  Cam Newton is the fresh young face of the franchise.  The Panthers do not want him doing his best impression of Superman every time the offense gets the ball down to the 2.  Enter Tebow, who will get your nitty-gritty TDs, while adding even more excitement than Newton.  Sure, the Panthers just signed Mike Tolbert, but he’s not as exciting as Tebow.

Tampa Bay Bucs: QUARTERBACKS COACH.  Tim Tebow threw six interceptions in 272 pass attempts this past season.  Josh Freeman threw 22 picks in 551 attempts.  That’s a ratio of 45 passes per INT for Tebow; 25 passes per INT for Freeman.  Sure, 2011 was probably an anomaly for Freeman, but bringing in Tebow to help him couldn’t hurt.  And, if Freeman continues to fail, I know where the Bucs could find a new QB.

Atlanta Falcons: TOUCHDOWN DANCE COORDINATOR.  The “Dirty Bird” is so 1990s.  A new TD celebration, brought to you by the guy who invented “Tebowing,” is more appropriate.  Just don’t use the football as a prop…that’s a 15-yard penalty.

San Francisco 49ers: YES MAN.  If Alex Smith leaves town because he’s miffed about the way the organization treated him, the Niners could sign Tebow.  But, here are the facts: coach Jim Harbaugh is scary.  Having Randy Moss yelling at you when you’re not throwing it to him is even scarier.  All of this would turn Tebow into a “yes man.”  “Yes, Randy, I promise to throw more to you.”  Who would you rather have yelling at you?

St. Louis Rams: ASSISTANT DEFENSIVE COORDINATOR.  Gregg “Bounty” Williams is the new D-Coordinator for the Rams.  But, will the players respect him?  Enter Tebow, who has the league’s respect.  Williams designs the plays and Tebow calls them out.  This way Williams’ past is overshadowed by the awesomeness with which Tebow calls out his plays.  All is forgiven, because you can’t get mad at Tebow.  Right?

Arizona Cardinals: WILDCAT QB.  Tebow has experience at the QB position.  Running back Beanie Wells has not lived up to the expectations he had coming out of college, and Ryan Williams might still be rusty after missing all of last year with an injury.  Tebow adds depth to the running game and can become the starting QB if Kevin Kolb continues to struggle.

Seattle Seahawks: ETERNAL RAY OF SUNSHINE.  As most of you may know, it rains a lot in Seattle.  Tim Tebow is so positive and energetic, he can be the sunshine for everyone on the cloudiest of days.  No need to carry your umbrella today; Tebow is in town.

With the Broncos signing of Peyton Manning, it is almost certain that Tim Tebow is on the move.  Where he goes is anyone’s guess, though some teams are being mentioned more than others.  I do know this: where Tebow goes, I go.  And whatever happens, it will surely be “Tebow Time” somewhere.

New York Yankees

Joba To ‘Pen Is Right Move

by Matt Wells

When Joba Chamberlain was called up from Triple-A Scranton-Wilkes Barre last year to pitch for the New York Yankees, he took the baseball world by storm.  A pitcher in his early twenties who could make hitters look foolish with 100 MPH fastballs and then freeze them with wicked sliders was surely a diamond in the rough.  A pitching prospect like Chamberlain certainly doesn’t come around all that often.

MLB General

AL East To Be Dogfight

by Matt Wells

So, baseball is around the corner, as we all know.  We’ve got our fantasy baseball teams lined up and we’re wearing our team colors to work, school, etc. (I’m not, but I know some die-hard baseball fans who will).

Just like at the beginning of every season, we all make predictions.  A-Rod will hit such-and-such amount of homers, Johan Santana will get __ wins in his new Flushing digs, Team X will finish with 80+ wins, etc.  There is one thing that I know for sure, though.  This year, the American League East will be a dogfight.

New England Patriots

And the Awards Go To….

by Matt Wells

OK, so we’ve completed 9 weeks of the 2007 NFL season.  After the dust settled following the big New England/Indy game, we have the Patriots remaining undefeated and looking as calm as can be in the clutch.  The Colts shouldn’t feel bad; 7-1 is nothing to cry about.  Then…we have the rest.  I’m not going to sit here and hand the Lombardi Trophy over to the Pats just yet.  The Colts still have a legitimate shot, too.

But, who are we kidding?  There’s no team in the NFC that holds a candle to either of the AFC powerhouses.  That New England/Dallas game a few weeks back was supposed to be close.  Too bad nobody told the Patriots.  The Cowboys, Giants, Packers, Saints, and the rest of the NFC elite can’t beat the Patriots or Colts.

New England Patriots

Patriots Dynasty Not Dying Out

by Matt Wells

They defeated the St. Louis Rams in Super Bowl XXXVI in 2002, the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl two years later, and they followed that with another win over the Philadelphia Eagles the following year.  Four years.  Three championships.  One coach.  One quarterback.  Oh, and a kicker that was really good in the clutch.

They almost did it again last season.  They were four points away from beating the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC Championship Game, a game which almost all of America figured would be won by the Patriots because Tom Brady never, ever screws up with the game on the line.  Well, we all make mistakes.

The Patriots dynasty has lost a little of its luster, since the Pats haven’t won the Super Bowl (let alone made it there) in the past two seasons.  However, if you’re waiting for the New England Patriots dynasty to fizzle out, you may be waiting for a few years.

MLB General

What I Learned From 1.5 Weeks of the 2007 MLB Season

by Matt Wells

Well, baseball is finally here.  In fact, it has been here for a week and a half already.  Spring Training is over, the home fields of all the baseball teams have been opened for the new season (or they are close to being opened).  The World Champion Cardinals are attempting to repeat, the Tigers are looking to repeat last year’s success, the Red Sox are trying to dethrone the Yankees in the AL East, and a slew of teams that missed last year’s playoffs are looking to improve on last year’s performances (Indians, Braves, Cubs, etc).

So, one week has been completed.  Players have begun to produce, while some haven’t.  Teams have won games early, while some haven’t.  So, what have I learned from the first week and a half of the regular season?  Well…

NFL General

Tough Decisions For Top Coaching Award

by Matt Wells

Dennis Green, not surprisingly, has been axed by the once again woeful Arizona Cardinals.  Jim Mora Jr. has been canned by the disappointing Atlanta Falcons.  The Dolphins and Steelers need to discuss the futures of Nick Saban and Bill Cowher, respectively.

Perhaps lost among those names are the coaches who have surpassed expectations this past season in the NFL.  Whether these coaches unexpectedly led their teams to playoff berths or whether they were simply able to dominate the rest of the league, these coaches will no doubt find their names on the list for NFL Coach of the Year.

NFL General

A Quarterback A Day…

by Matt Wells

Every day in the sports world, we are presented with fascinating stories about who got traded, who called out their coach, who is in the running for an award, and why two players don’t get along.  This NFL season, we have been faced with Terrell Owens sagas, Giants players ripping on each other and their coach, and the Raider and Cardinals, once again, stinking up the league.

Sure, T.O. and LaDanian Tomlinson have made the headlines, despite their seemingly less dramatic positions.  But, the 2006 season has been the year of the quarterback.  Most of the teams have had their quarterbacks make the headlines.

Indianapolis Colts

Why I Like the Colts in Week 9

by Matt Wells

There might not be another rivalry in sports outside of the Red Sox-Yankees that is as intense as the Colts-Patriots rivalry.  Every year, the Colts and Patriots play each other in either the regular season or the playoffs, and every year the game is hard fought.

The Colts head to New England a perfect 7-0; the Patriots are 6-1 with their lone loss coming to the Broncos in Week 3.  The game will feature two excellent quarterback in Indy’s Peyton Manning and New England’s Tom Brady.  Both teams have their strong points.

So, who do I think will win this game?  The Indianapolis Colts.

Miami Dolphins

Daunte’s Inferno

by Matt Wells

The Indianapolis Colts.  The Cincinnati Bengals.  The Pittsburgh Steelers.  These were just some of the teams picked to represent the AFC in the Super Bowl this year.  All three picks make sense; every one of those teams went to the playoffs last year, with the Steelers winning it all.

Another team added in the mix of Super Bowl contenders prior to this season were the Miami Dolphins.  This was the trendy pick.  Many people chose the Dolphins to go all the way and Daunte Culpepper’s name was thrown out there as a potential MVP candidate.  The pieces were in place: Culpepper was the new QB, Ronnie Brown was still carrying the load out of the backfield, and Chris Chambers was still the top receiver on the team.  Zach Thomas and Jason Taylor still anchor the defense.