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America's Champion

By bobbyjim45, Section Journals
Posted on Wed Jul 05 2006 at 10:46 AM EST
More on: Competitive Eating (all tags)

In the only sport which we can truly claim to be 100% American, it is a tiny little Japanese man who claims the throne.  Takeru Kobayashi has become the Jordan of professional eating; mainly the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.  Yes, hot dog eating is our main claim to fame as an American public.  It doesn't hurt that bad when we lose a soccer match on the world stage, but to lose at this, Americans everywhere are feeling the sting.  And really, we didn't just lose; we got obliterated... 6 years in a row.

We, the American people, the people who on average each consume 70 hot dogs a year, can't beat out a scrawny, 160 pound Japanese guy in our own game.  A game that was designed for guys like Eric "Badlands" Booker (a 425 pound subway conductor) has put Americans to shame.  Kobayashi, who set a world record by eating 54 dogs, is America's champion in America's game, but it's not quite right.

This year, dazzling rookie Joey Chestnut took a run at Kobayashi, downing 52 wieners in the allotted 12 minutes, just two shy of slaying the Japanese dragon.  Just two shy of restoring American pride and inspiring young hot dog eaters everywhere to dip their buns in water before eating them.

But, unfortunately, it didn't happen.  So, now we'll all go back to our average American lives, eating McDonald's, pizza, and ice cream and getting the closest parking spot possible when we go to Wal-Mart so we don't have to get any exercise on the way in. We will wait until next Fourth of July when another "Joey Chestnut" comes along to take back the contest that is rightfully ours.  Only this time, we will not lose.  We will reclaim the Mustard Belt, because this is our game and we're playing it everyday.

Now if you'll excuse me, my wieners are boiling...