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Team USA- A non-American's thoughts

By alexferguson60, Section Other Sports
Posted on Fri Jun 23 2006 at 5:25 AM EST
More on: (all tags)

I don't agree with a lot of what Americans have been saying about London. I like the food, the way I'm spoken to, and the charming man who talks about Jesus with a microphone in Oxford Street.

So I stood up at the final whistle, and delivered a speech that would have made Henry V cry.  

"Well Team USA," I said, "Just because you're ranked #5th in the world, doesn't mean you're the fifth BEST team in the world. Bruce Arena and the American FA haven't exactly played the crème-de-la-crème of world football.  Your CV over the past few years includes victories over a poor Norway, Japan, Angola and Poland. Only against Norway did they win by more than a one-goal margin. And just prior to the World Cup, they lost to Morocco and only squeezed by Latvia. Sorry Bruce, but I thought Venezuela only played baseball. And as for `competitive' games, your victories in the CONCAF Gold Cup were against footballing `superpowers' Canada, Cuba, and (get this) Panama. And in qualifying, you might well have beaten Mexico and Costa Rica, but you also lost to both countries in the return legs, too. And because FIFA's rankings include Winning, drawing and losing; Number of goals; Home or away match; Importance of the match and Regional strength, a 5-0 away victory against Guetemala in the FIFA Qualifying will do nothing but bounce you up the system."

The Americans were shocked. Who was this guy?

"Secondly," I continued, "Bruce Arena, your coach failed to pick youth over experience, and you lacked speed, width and direction throughout the finals. You simply couldn't keep up with the speedy Czechs or Ghanaians. Hey, we know that the US media are furious that their wonderboy Freddy Adu wasn't included in the trip, but if he's not cutting at MLS level, who thinks he will at these heights? Personally, if I went to sleep wearing nothing but the Stars and Stripes, then I would be asking: "Why on earth was Eddie Johnson, who's got the speed of a cheetah on steroids and can finish well too, stuck on the bench for most of the tournament? And come to think of it, why wasn't Taylor Twellman, who scored a bag full of goals in the pre-Germany tune-ups, wasn't in the team too?""

A bottle of Budweiser flew over my head. But I was in mid-flow. I couldn't-and wouldn't-stop.

"And also, if you really expected their team to progress, then why weren't you on your knees to God, Lady Luck and L.Ron Hubbard asking for the powers above to give you a break? Because sure as hell you didn't get one. Against Italy, Pablo Mastroeni and Eddie Pope's sending off were jokes, and the penalty that Oguchi Onyewu `gave away' against Ghana was as soft a vanilla ice cream in 60C heat. And had it not been for a lucky deflection against Italy, then you probably would have had the three points you deserved. And had it not been for the woodwork, you might well have had an equaliser against the Africans, too. Next time, pray. God may not care about the World Cup, but it's worth taking your chances. He might do."

Another Budweiser flew over my head. Uncle Sam's Army were gearing up to wage war. And this time it was about football.  I decided it was time to jump on the other side of the tracks.

"But before you get your Colt .45s out and begin thinking of ways to end your life- or mine- here's some good things to take home with you. First of all, Kasey Keller was exceptional. Now the world understands why that irritating `Kay-sey Ke-ller' chant gets repeated a lot. He's worth it. Secondly, that bloke Onyewu might look like a rapper, but he's the type of defender that would helps the likes of Watford stay in the Premiership. Thirdly, Eddie Johnson's going to have a big future.If he's not snapped up by US 4x100 metre Olympic Team. And fourthly, you've got some quality opposition to look forward to in friendly games- if the appropriately-named US football powers know what is good for US Soccer."

The throwing of missiles stopped. Thank God.

Someone said: "Why are we throwing bottles at him? We've got 2010 to look forward to. With the qualifying group we've got, we're a shoo-in."

And for once, we had something to agree about.