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Say it ain't so, Jerry

By SportsHippy, Section Other Sports
Posted on Sat Mar 04 2006 at 5:27 AM EST
More on: (all tags)

It's Sunday night and I'm flipping through the channels when I stumble across the show I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist-- "Dancing with the Stars." For those of you who haven't seen this trainwreck, here's how it goes. You take 10 Y-list celebrities, force them to do complicated dances that they only have time to half-learn, then the audience laughs at them and votes one off the island. It's good, wholesome entertainment at the expense of wannabe or used-to-be celebrities whose 15 minutes of fame are long gone.

But here's the thing. This season, one of the contestants was Jerry Rice, the greatest wide receiver in the history of football. Any other position in football, you'll get an argument about who is the best who ever played. But the debate is moot at wideout. Rice is the man. He holds every meaningful NFL record for his position. You can measure his yards gained in miles (a little over 13). He is unquestionably the best wide receiver to have ever played the game.

But Jerry Rice? Are you kidding me? What were you thinking? You're Jerry freakin' Rice!

I wonder if there was something we could have done. Did we, the fans, fail to give him enough attention? I don't think I'll ever fully understand what would lead him to undertake something so desperate. Where did we go wrong?

His fellow freaks for the season were a veritable who's who of "Who's that?" The all-star cast was made up of Master P, Harry Hamlin's wife, a chick from Access Hollywood, George Hamilton, Kenny Mayne (who at least wasn't taking it seriously), a WCW wrestler, the girlfriend from "Wayne's World," Tatum O'Neal, and Jessica Simpson's ex-husband's little brother. And the show is hosted by the guy from "America's Funniest Home Videos," who I'm pretty sure holds the lifetime record for Most Jokes Told Without Once Being Funny. Seriously, having him read words at random from the dictionary would be an improvement.

Fine company you've chosen, Mr. Rice. Fine, fine company.

So week by week, the weakest freak/dancer is culled from the herd, with the final winner to be decided last Sunday, which is the broadcast I stumbled across. Rice had defeated eight misfits and had only the formidable Jessica Simpson's ex-husband's little brother to beat. A victory would mean that Jerry Rice, a trained athlete with great balance, could learn to dance better than nine random people who got on TV once by mistake. It's a dubious distinction, like being named as the most law-abiding cast member of "Different Strokes."

Just sad, sad stuff.

And keep in mind, Jerry Rice was an Oakland Raider. A Raider! And  now he's ballroom dancing against George Hamilton. Come on, Jerry, show a little loyalty to Raider Fan and at least get drunk and hit someone with a chair (preferably the old guy who really wants to be Simon from "American Idol"). Trash the studio. Get caught in a three-way with your dance partner and one of the judges (preferably not the aforementioned old guy). Ask yourself, "What would John Matuszak do?" But no, he had to be all serious about it.

And it gets worse. Rice forever shamed all past, present and future NFL players with the following quote: "Winning `Dancing with the Stars' would be just like winning the Super Bowl."

Go back and read it again. I'll wait.

Just like winning the Super Bowl, huh? A couple of months of grueling training camp and preseason, a four-month regular season, another month of playoffs. Something players literally risk their necks for a chance at, many going through surgeries in the offseason and suffering permanent injury so they can get one more chance at a Super Bowl. You're saying that's just like trying to be better at the tango than a pro wrestler? If I was Dan Marino, I would never stop slapping this guy.

I can't believe no one stopped him from saying that. Someone should have had the decency. "Umm, Mr. Rice. Let me play that back for you. Are you sure this is the statement you want to go with?"

Fortunately, Jerry didn't get to find out if his crazy talk was true, because he fell in the finals to a spastic couch-hopping Jessica Simpson's ex-husband's little brother. I wondered if that defeat felt just like losing a Super Bowl. Sadly, they neglected to ask him.

There was a time when I, a diehard Raider fan, would have argued for at least partial ownership of Jerry Rice the way I would for Jim Plunkett or Jeff Hostetler, or any of the other multi-team players who churned out a couple of good years for the Silver and Black.

But you crossed the line, Jerry, and there's no going back. "Winning `Dancing with the Stars' would be just like winning the Super Bowl." That statement is crazy, and not your garden variety of insanity. I'm talking Gary Busey crazy.

I'm sorry, Mr. Rice, but we at Raider Nation won't be needing your services any longer. We can tolerate players who blow off the Super Bowl to go drinking in Tijuana; or who tear off car doors after fender benders; or even guys who break necks with cheap (although legal at the time) shots. But comparing the most sacred game in all of football to a dance-off is blasphemy. You of all people should know better.

So congratulations to the 49er fans (all 17 of you). Jerry Rice is officially yours again.