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Slim Pickings

By sign arenas, Section NBA
Posted on Thu Jun 30 2005 at 1:45 PM EST
More on: (all tags)

        Welcome to the NBA Draft, the ugly stepchild of ESPN's draft coverage family.  Because there is no hockey this year, basketball's annual rite of passage has graduated to 2nd on the sports leader's pick 'em totem pole, though they've still got miles to go before they catch the NFL.  While the folks from Bristol trot out Chris Berman, Mel Kiper, and Chris Mortensen for football's meat market each April, the basketball-loving public is reduced to watching Mike Tirico, Greg Anthony, Steven A. Smith, Jay Bilas, and Dick Vitale assess the futures of the year's NBA hopefuls.  Talk about a poorly assembled roster.  ESPN used to be the kind of network that had talent to spare, whose B-league guys could run the draft in their sleep.  This same network could have presented a draft-day lineup of Craig Kilborn, Tim Hardaway, Tom Tolbert, and David Aldridge.  In the words of Steven A. Smith, "whueva is running this netwurk needs to be fiyad!"  I managed to stay awake for most of the evening's proceedings, despite the fact that this meant missing the BET Awards.  Can someone please tell me if Omarion managed to upset Chingy for "Biggest Living Pile"?  

        1) Bucks - 7-foot center, or swingman from national champion North Carolina Tar Heels?  The Portland Trail Blazers got this one wrong 21 years ago, and they've never stopped paying for it.  Milwaukee Bucks fans can only hope they don't share the same fate, and I'm proud to say that I'm now the 8,000th person to make this comparison.  The Bucks took an understandable gamble on a skilled guy with size in Andrew Bogut, which isn't a bad idea- if you're going to miss, at least miss big.  Judging by his play in college at Utah, Bogut doesn't look to be any worse than Yao Ming, and Yao's one of the best centers in the league.  Michael Redd's decision to stay in Milwaukee just got a lot easier, now that he has a big man to feed him open 3's.

        2) Hawks - The Hawks take UNC's Marvin Williams 2nd overall, and decide not to trade the pick as rumored.  For once, the Hawks get it right.  People have been all over Atlanta for this pick, arguing that you can't take a small forward when you already have Josh Smith, Al Harrington, and Josh Childress on your roster.  I say that you have to take Williams because you have those guys on your roster.  Childress was born a role player, he was just drafted way too high last year.  Atlanta can now trade Harrington to a contending team where he belongs, and the Hawks' fortunes aren't sunk if Smith really does turn out to be The Game and turns all his teammates against him in an attempt to end his own career.  Atlanta's still a black hole in the middle, but they're climbing their way out with this pick.  Plus, there's finally a guy named Marvin in the league, which means Dwight Howard now has a rival for Nerdiest First Name in the League.

        3) Jazz - After trading up with Portland to acquire the 3rd pick, Utah takes Deron Williams from Illinois.  Williams is my choice for Most Underwhelming Player in this year's draft, which makes him perfect for Utah.  I still haven't forgiven the Jazz for subjecting NBA fans to an endless number of mind-numbing playoff games in the 90's, so I'm please with the Williams pick.  Jay Bilas described Deron as "Jason Kidd with a jumpshot", which leads me to believe that televised NBA games may not have reached the Bilas household just yet.  
        To give you some personal info on Williams, he apparently has 7 tattoos, but according to Stuart Scott, Williams "still" has character.  Stu, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake have tattoos.  Nobody's scared of Deron.

        4) Hornets - Because Utah pulled a Twardzick, the New Orleans Hornets lucked into Chris Paul with the 4th pick.  The man with 2 first names was an All-Everything point guard at Wake Forest, and was described by the brains on the ESPN team as "a young Baron Davis".  Of course, the Hornets had the real Baron Davis, and traded him away at the ripe old age of 26 for the lint from Chris Mullin's pocket.  Had the Hornets simply kept Baron, they could have drafted a non-point at #4, and put together a nice roster.  Instead, the Hornets decided to pocket the money they saved on Baron's contract.  There's a word for people who put money above integrity, and it sounds like the first 3 letters of this team's name.
        Despite the Hornets' best efforts to cling to the Western Conference cellar, Paul may actually turn them into a good team one day.  He was one of the few sure things in this year's draft, which prompted SportsCenter to follow him around the week before the draft and tape his every move.  This included finding a suit for the draft, a process which has gone from one of the best parts of the NBA draft into one of the worst.  It used to be that every year, there were guys who were willing to make a statement on draft night, guys like Jalen Rose, Samaki Walker, Karl Malone, and Erick Dampier.  Now, everyone wears similar-looking suits, with the only variety arriving in the form of a barely-noticeable shirt-tie combo paying homage to college alumni colors.  The sheepish mentality of wearing what everyone else wears does not inspire confidence in someone who's supposed to be the new leader of your franchise.  I'm not asking for the player's ball or anything, but let's shake it up a little here, fellas.
        Of course, once Paul's name was announced, ESPN continued their Chris Paul draft coverage by sending a reporter over to interview Paul's brother.  Chris' brother will be acting as his manager and glorified secretary during the season, which merits the question: with all of these family members present at the draft, how do more black sheep not get on TV?  Where is the older brother who refuses to wear a suit to the draft or cheer his brother's selection because he thinks his brother is overrated?  Or the uncle who had a few too many celebratory cocktails at the pre-draft party and wants to go up to the podium to act as his nephew's hypeman?  These kinds of things never happen on draft night.  I'm starting to doubt that the families they show during the draft are actually real.

        5) Bobcats - At #5, the Bobcats take Raymond Felton, point guard for the national champion UNC Tar Heels.  Nobody really seems to like this selection, but Steven A. Smith tries to defend it by saying, "he's a national champion.  He's the point guard for the national champions."  Watching at home, Tyus Edney and Mateen Cleaves move that last sentence back to the top of their resumes.

        6) Blazers - Portland selects Martell Webster #6, the first high school player chosen in the draft.  Once Webster was selected, ESPN cut to the requisite "excited family shot", complete with Webster's grandmother wearing a costume from "The Fifth Element".  Stuart Scott asked Webster what he would buy his grandmother with his NBA money, and Webster replied, "anything she wants".  Which brings us to yet another boring draft tradition: NBA moms never want anything interesting.  It's always a house, or a car, or "whatever she wants".  Where's the originality?  The whole car/house thing has been done to death- it's time to add some character to this draft.  Here's an example list, which next year's draftees can feel free to use: a pet monkey, a speedboat, a sailor hat for the monkey to wear on the boat, a gumball machine, a pocketwatch, the first season of "Tru Calling" on DVD, and one of those pillows that forms to your head.  See, it's not very hard, and it would make the draft easier to watch.  It's the little things, people.

        7) Raptors - With the surprise pick of the night, Toronto selects Charlie Villanueva, who is immediately rushed onto my list of Scariest People on Earth.  The fact that he can't grow any hair on his body and is smoother than a waxed dolphin might actually make him even scarier.  He looks like he escaped from a dungeon.  I was waiting for ESPN to display a graphic that listed info on Charlie like "Hometown: Hades" or "Favorite food: flesh", but it never came.  If they're still looking for someone to play Silas in "The Da Vinci Code" movie, look no further.  I'm almost too scared of the guy to suggest that he inherit Sam Perkins' old nickname of "Big Smooth".  Yep, almost.
        Once Charlie was picked and everyone lost their power of rational thought, ESPN's draft analysts went to town, proclaiming Toronto's selection to be the worst decision ever made by a human being under any circumstances.  Of course, Charlie was only 20 feet away and could hear every word, which put everyone in attendance in serious danger of having Charlie launch into a brain-eating rampage.  Not content to let the moment pass, Stuart Scott proceeded to throw Jay Bilas under the bus by calling him out while interviewing Charlie, which made the situation incredible uncomfortable for everyone involved.  Kudos to Charlie, who handled the situation like a professional, and resisted the urge to pounce on Bilas and tear off his limbs.  Back on the main set, Bilas did the classy thing and let Scott slide, rather than bringing the spelling bee champ on the air and asking him what he thought of Stu using words like "shizzle" and "flava".

        8) Knicks - At #8, the New York Knicks take Channing Frye, center from Arizona.  The New York crowd goes crazy with applause, as they have apparently never seen him play.  Once Knicks fans catch on that Frye disappears for roughly 80% of each game and isn't the second coming of Marcus Camby, they'll be right back in their element, booing their own players.  If it happened to Jeter and Mariano, it's definitely happening to Channing Frye.

        9) Warriors - As you probably know by now, the Warriors drafted Ike Diogu out of Arizona State with the 9th pick.  Diogu continues the Warriors' legacy of drafting players from powerhouse college programs (J-Rich, Arenas, Dunleavy), and finally breaks the Warriors' history of duplicating skill sets.  Instead of drafting yet another perimeter player, Golden State took one of the leading rebounders in the country, albeit one who stands only 6'8".  Of course, if "Moneyball" and the New England Patriots have taught me anything, it's that a guy's performance is the most important thing, not how good he looks doing it.  The Warriors needed someone who can rebound and score inside, and they got someone who can rebound and score inside.  
        He's not an end-all, be-all elite power forward, but that guy wasn't in the draft this year, much less available with the 9th pick.  The Warriors weren't exactly presented with a candy lineup to choose from this year.  I've talked myself into liking the Diogu pick over the past day and a half, but only as a potential reserve.  The best part of this pick is that it means Mike Dunleavy sticks around for a little while longer, after playing well with Baron at the end of last season.  Upon hearing the news, Dunleavy celebrated with a wine spritzer and curled up with a good book.

        10)  Lakers - With the 10th pick, the Lakers drafted Andrew Bynum, a 7-foot center out of high school.  Bynum's family went crazy once his name was called, because he now gets the opportunity to feud with Kobe Bryant, a special moment for any young player.  Note to Andrew: if Kobe wouldn't pass to Shaq, he won't pass to you, either.  The extra-special bad news for Bynum is that he appears to be a genetic clone of Oliver Miller, who is in fact the last person you'd ever want to clone.  In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN just ran an old highlight video of Miller in lieu of Bynum's tape.  This is the last high school lottery pick we may ever see, and David Stern is already planning to put him on the cover of any promotional materials for his new "Age Limit" CD, out this summer on "No Limit My A$$" Records.
        The Lakers also have a new addition at coach this year in Phil Jackson, a hire that makes no sense whatsoever.  Kobe pulled off the coup of all coups last summer by ousting both Jackson and Shaquille O'Neal in a single offseason, and yet here they are, back together like it never happened.  Wait a minute.  Did the crew of the Black Pearl take Jack Sparrow back?  Did the cast of the L.A. "Real World" take David back?  You can't bring someone back after you've committed mutiny!  When you're voted gone, you stay gone.  Everyone knows Jerry Buss can get pictures of Phil anytime he wants, but he must have something really good on the Zen Master to have pulled this one off.

        11) Magic - Entering the draft needing only a backup for their 2nd-year power forward, Orlando drafts Fran Vazquez from Spain with the 11th pick.  The Magic could also use a point guard, a center, and an insurance small forward for when Grant Hill goes down again, but they can worry about that later.  Backup power forward was their most obvious need, and they addressed it here.  Of course, Dick Vitale hates the pick, and is already constructing a Vazquez voodoo doll.  I really hope Vitale has a grandson who someday turns out to be a terrific basketball player and graduates high school at 19, only to skip college and head straight for the NBA.  His act was getting old years ago; at this point, he's just propaganda.  I'm hoping the Clippers do the smart thing and draft Danny Granger to replace Bobby Simmons, just so Vitale can get his Granger speech out of the way and we can move on with the rest of the draft in peace.

        12) Clippers - The Clippers take Yaroslav Korolev at #12, which is not only the most Eastern European-sounding name in history, but is also the worst possible pick for several reasons.  First of all, this means more Vitale, who feels the need to point out that there haven't been many foreign impact players in recent years.  Of course, most of the biggest impact players to enter the league in recent years all skipped college, but Dickie V conveniently doesn't mention this.  We get it, Dick, you like people with degrees.  Unfortunately, only 16 players stick around for their senior season each year.  If Dick had stayed awake for the 2nd round, he would have had to start pimping the Bush twins and a couple of 6th-year Super Senior potheads who graduated last month.
        The second reason this is a terrible pick is that this poor Korolev kid just became the newest contestant on "Throw Your Career Into A Sinkhole", which is to say he was drafted by the Clippers.  At this point, you know the story, and you've heard all the jokes.  The Clippers suck.  But I do wonder what efforts potential draftees make to avoid being selected by Elgin Baylor.  Do they show up to their workouts hung over, and with all of their stuff in a jail bag?  Do they interview with team management wearing a sandwich board full of offensive slurs?  This is becoming the equivalent of going to a bar expecting to have a good time and spending the entire night avoiding the ugly girl who just won't give up.
        So, you think Bobby Simmons is sticking around?

        13) Bobcats - With Felton already on board with the 5th pick, and Emeka Okafor inside, the Robertcats could use a perimeter player here.  The smart choice would have been Gerald Green; the Bobcats' choice was Sean May.  Apparently hoping to import the entire University of North Carolina fanbase, Charlotte has taken their second Tar Heel of the night, despite Green falling to them at 13.  Earlier in the afternoon, the New York Yankees held a summit in Tampa and decided that Green was the best pick in the draft.  In his highlight film, Green looked like he was jumping off a SlamBall trampoline in front of the hoop.  He's long, he can jump, and he looks to be the kind of player general managers wet their shorts over.  All Green needs is a team with patience and no expectations.  Charlotte has nothing but time, but instead decided to take a 6'8" role player who's best suited for a reserve role on a contending team.  May couldn't believe he got passed up in favor of so many unproven players, but I can't believe he didn't get passed up one more time.  Charlotte could afford to gamble here, and whiffed.

        14) T-Wolves - Minnesota is now stuck in NBA purgatory, as Kevin Garnett is just good enough to prevent them from tanking, but not quite good enough to carry them all by himself.  Unfortunately for the Wolves, if they're ever going to come out of this, they'll need to grab an impact player in the draft because KG takes up so much of their cap.  The bad news is that Rashad McCants, the 4th UNC player selected, isn't that guy.  Maybe next year.

        The second round brought two more picks for the Warriors, the first of which was Monta Ellis, the first (and presumably last) high school player ever taken by Golden State.  ESPN rushed through this pick pretty quickly, but I did manage to catch three tidbits on Ellis: he averaged 38 points per game in high school, he's 6'3", and he weighs 79 pounds.  His highlight film was a big grainy, but Ellis looks to be constructed from raw spaghetti noodles, and I can only assume that his knee problems came about when the chewing gum holding his leg together lost its stickiness.
        The Warriors' final pick came at #42, where they selected Pittsburgh forward Chris Taft.  I made a mistake earlier when I mentioned that Jay Bilas shook off Stuart Scott's betrayal on national television: instead of simply bringing out the spelling bee kid, Bilas apparently internalized all of his rage and channeled it onto Chris Taft.  By the time Bilas was done listing Taft's shortcoming's, I was expecting a live feed showing Taft being sent to Gitmo.  I think Bilas even found time to kick Taft's dog.  
        Apparently, Taft has all the talent necessary to become a good player, but his lackluster attitude left a lot of team scared ("shook", according to Stuart Scott) to take him.  Of course, Taft could have answered all these questions and more by simply coming out of the stands after Bilas' rant, WWF-style, to challenge Jay to a fight.  Bilas would then have begged off, and then thrown salt in Taft's eyes when he wasn't looking.  At the very least, it would have been nice to hear Taft's music when Bilas was talking, just to see the expression on his face.  But I've already listed a number of ways to make the draft better.  In the end, the draft itself is just like the players it produces: lots of potential, but destined to disappoint.