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MLB General

A Plea for a Breather

My boss is in the process of buying a new apartment, so he says to me, “A study once reported, the 3 most stressful things to do in life are switch jobs, move, or get a divorce.” (Yeah, I think this is just how people in the pharmaceutical business talk. No claim can be made without a clinical trial to support it, I guess.) Then he goes on, “But I’m thinking for you the most stressful things involve a player getting traded, away games, and the playoffs.”

He’s not too far from the truth. As if the trials and tribulations of post-college life weren’t taxing enough, baseball is officially making my head spin.

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Boston Red Sox

Boston Fans Subscribe to Own Idiocy

BOSTON (April 14) – After being routed by their sworn enemy the Yankees, Boston declared April 13 as the date for the collective recognition that both the Red Sox franchise and their fans are, in fact, idiots.

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MLB General

The Boys Are Back in Town…

“Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light.” -Dante, on the baseball off-season

“What you have to remember is that a baseball isn’t a week or a month, but a season. And a season is a long time.” -Chuck Tanner

Last year on January 1, I ignored a garden-variety New Year’s Eve hangover in favor of enjoying all-day college football, Bloody Mary’s, and cheese fries with my then-boyfriend and company. He and his buddy started out ordering Irish Car Bombs. Right before downing this asinine drink I still can’t get my head around, Ex says to Idiot Friend: “This drink is arguably the most important drink of the day. How this goes down dictates the rest of the afternoon. Maybe the rest of the year.”

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College Basketball

In Pursuit of NCAA Gambling Redemption

A year ago this Saturday, on April 3, 2004, UConn beat Duke by one point, and a 3-point shot made by Duke at the buzzer meant nothing to the outcome of the game, but everything to me. When UConn won 79-78, half the bar I was at erupted into cheers; half threw their hands up and collectively groaned, “NOOOOOO.” I was in the latter half, and not because I was rooting for Duke, but because that long bank shot in the last second prevented UConn from covering the spread.

Come this Saturday, I’m going to need to make up for last year’s Final Four betting disaster. I’ll be honest, I haven’t been having a stellar run so far. I’m 3 for 9 in individual game bets, and I’d sooner admit to possessing a Clay Aiken CD than own up to the choices in my office pool bracket. And yet a mysterious man in a hotel elevator tipped me off, and now despite my track record, I feel like I’ve been given a second chance to prove myself. I’m like the Norman Dale of gambling, and I’m going with MICHIGAN STATE.

Categories
MLB General

Spring Training: A Vacation From Baseball Discord

“Nothing will ever be as much fun as baseball.”–Mickey Mantle

Truer words were never spoken. When faced with having to use up 5 vacation days before the end of March, it was pretty clear what I needed to do. I could either go to Rio with my girlfriends or Tampa alone. (Or stay home and watch daytime television and capitalize on the fact you can have McDonald’s delivered in NYC.) I received more than a few weird looks when I told everyone at work I was taking off for Spring Training by myself. Or as my boss said, “The Yankees are going to sic a restraining order on you soon.”

Why did I venture to Legends Field solo? Because no one else I know would want to arrive at the stadium 4 hours before it started just to watch Yogi Berra drive around in a golf cart. Or would want to sit in the stadium long after the game was over just listening to “New York, New York” play on a loop. Or would recognize that the beauty of Spring Training is not the games themselves, but what they represent. They’re not just a pre-party for the impending best months of the year. I wasn’t just taking a vacation from TPS reports. I was taking a vacation from steroids, exhausted media-coverage of certain rivalries, running tallies of payrolls, and watching once-awe-inspiring players become shells of their former selves.

Categories
General Sports

A Flying Leap Over Jaws: The future of sports?

I honestly thought that movie “Closer” was going to be about Gagne. And after 10 years of watching Bev 9er, what I remember most is that Dylan McKay’s dad used “Eddie Waitkus” as his witness protection program alias. Along the same lines, the most recent episode of Arrested Development also thematically translated into a sports-related concern.

This latest synaptic misfire stemmed from the scene when Henry Winkler literally jumped over a shark, taking one small hop for mankind, one giant leap for entertainment parody. My first thought? That riding Winkler piggyback during the allegorical shark jumping is the 2004 sports season.

Categories
MLB General

Playing Defense: The People vs. The NY Yankees

I may or may not be the same person who fiercely argued that A-Rod swat was actually part of the natural running motion. And I may have also adamantly contended that the Ken Jennings fiasco was a scam ABC pulled to get their ratings up. And lastly, there’s a possibility I wrote a college paper asserting that Lord of the Flies was really about materialism and society’s preoccupation with real estate and property. (Why else would they be always fighting over that damn conch shell?)

So I have admittedly made a few bad calls. And with that kind of track record, some could think it impossible for me to craft a convincing case for not hating the Yankees, especially since I am usually not slowed by logic. But convincing a college English professor of ridiculous literary themes is one thing. I can sure as hell sway the imbeciles who haven’t caught on that it’s perennially maddening to root against a team that wins more than they lose.