This weekend marks the yearly tradition of men sitting around for hours on end, throwing back beers, eating crappy food, and watching what could be called the most repetitive and mundane sports coverage of the year… and loving every minute of it!
That’s right, the NFL draft is upon us. So prepare yourselves for a full day of hearing about the linebacker who is “an absolute beast,” the tackle with a “tremendous upside,” and the quarterback that teams are “truly in love with.” And if there are no big trades or shocking picks, who cares? At least you’ll enjoy seeing some crazy suits and watching the pained look on a prospect’s face as he pretends to be excited to join that team.
In any case, since everyone else under the sun has a mock draft, so do I! So check out my own personal breakdown of the top ten picks for the 2009 NFL Draft.
1) DETROIT LIONS (Record: 0-16)
Projected Pick: The Lions will likely go with star quarterback Matt Stafford out of Georgia. Stafford is the consensus top QB in the draft and supposedly excited at the possibility of hooking up with Detroit’s talented receivers. If you’re part of the Lions organization and there is a projected number 1 pick who actually wants to come play it Detroit, you leap on top of him like he’s a sick gazelle… or just go with another receiver.
One Wish: That the “blame it all on Matt Millen” mantra will last through one more winless season.
2) ST. LOUIS RAMS (Record: 2-14)
Offseason Concerns: Offensive Line, WR, that new coach Steve Spagnuolo’s staunch “spell my name right or you’re cut” policy will leave the team decimated
Projected Pick: The Rams will likely look to shore up their front line with the second pick, and settle on the athletic OT Jason Smith out of Baylor. After the departure of veteran Orlando Pace, there is a huge hole to fill on the offensive line (as well as in the local fast food chain’s revenue streams) and Smith would be the perfect fill-in at left tackle.
One Wish: That RB Steven Jackson continues to boycott all media outlets and thusly remains unaware that star NFL players can demand a trade.
3) KANSAS CITY CHIEFS (Record: 2-14)
Offseason Concerns: LB, Defensive Line, that Larry Johnson is easily the most likely candidate to be this year’s Plaxico Burress
Projected Pick: The Chiefs hold a hot commodity here for teams looking to trade up for a shot at Mark Sanchez (Rex Ryan may be willing to offer up Kellen Clemens and his entire extended family), but if they hold onto the pick they will likely go with LB Aaron Curry out of Wake Forest.
4) SEATTLE SEAHAWKS (Record: 4-12)
Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, new coach Jim Mora’s complete lack of a Mike Holmgren-esque bushy mustache leaves his upper lip dangerously exposed to the brutal Seattle elements
Provided no trades have been made and he is still available, there is little doubt that the Seahawks will go after QB Mark Sanchez out of USC. Although quarterback is not their most glaring need at the moment, Seattle would love to groom the well-quaffed Sanchez
as a replacement for Matt Hasselbeck, who has been suffering from nagging injuries and male pattern baldness for quite some time.
One Wish: That new WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh will be even better than he was in Cinci now that he is no longer terrified to be in close quarters with his own teammates.
5) CLEVELAND BROWNS (Record: 4-12)
LB, WR, the danger of Brady Quinn gay jokes driving their young QB into more public slap fights
Projected Pick: Defensive tackle B.J. Raji could be the most talented player on the board at this point, but don’t be shocked if the Browns decide to take a chance on touchdown machine Michael Crabtree out of Texas Tech. And seeing as how the odds of a new pair of hands for Braylon Edwards popping up on the draft board are slim to none, this might be the way to go.
One Wish: That new coach Eric Mangini can shed the “Mangina” nickname he earned in New York and return to the “Mangenius” status he so clearly never earned in the first place.
6) CINCINNATI BENGALS (Record: 4-11-1)
Offseason Concerns: Offensive line, RB, the possibility of disgruntled WR Chad Ochocinco once again changing his name, this time to Chad Getmethef*ckouttahere
Projected Pick: The Bengals will likely go with a tackle on either side of the ball with the sixth pick, looking at Andre Smith, Eugene Monroe, and Michael Oher on offense, or possibly going for B.J. Raji on D if he is still on the board. In any case, the Bengals best bet is to go with whichever player is projected least likely to immediately commit a felony upon his arrival in Cincinnati.
One Wish: That their often troubled new acquisition Tank Johnson isn’t the final piece of the puzzle that will transform the city of Cincinnati into a post-apocalyptic hell not unlike Thunderdome.
7) OAKLAND RAIDERS (Record: 5-11)
Projected Pick: It is widely believed that the Raiders will go with WR Jeremy Maclin out of Missouri with the seventh pick. Although most have Michael Crabtree as the higher rated receiver on the board, the speed-happy Raiders will assuredly take the quicker Maclin regardless of who is available. Upon hearing the news that there is no way he’ll wind up in Oakland, Michael Crabtree immediately broke down and wept for joy until he passed out soaked in his own tears.
One Wish: That Al Davis’ senility level doesn’t climb high enough on draft day that he demand they use their pick on The Mighty Thor: God of Thunder.
8) JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (Record: 5-11)
WR, CB, worry that they may find themselves coach-less after one ofJack Del Rio’s neck veins
Although they did just obtain veteran wideout Torry Holt, the absence of a coked up Matt Jones
streaking downfield leaves the Jags with yet another spot open at receiver. They would love to address that with hopes that Michael Crabtree will still be available, but if not, expect them to go after a high profile tackle or linebacker.
One Wish: That for the love of God, Byron Leftwich does not manage to lead the Buccaneers to the Super Bowl.
9) GREEN BAY PACKERS (Record: 6-10)
Offseason Concerns: LB, Offensive Line, that their supposed franchise quarterback has not yet fully committed to the art of gun-slinging
Expect the Packers to address their aging O-line here, taking the highest rated tackle available, and likely landing Andre Smith out of Alabama. Smith is a safe bet to go at nine, because his poor pre-draft decisions dropped him down a bit
, but the NFL has collectively agreed to take him somewhere inside the top ten, under fears that the millions upon millions of dollars he has cost himself may prompt a nationally televised if he slips too far.
One Wish: *That they will not be forced to spend their Thanksgiving whipping the Lions up and down the field (*Note: The Packers are the only team whose wish has already gone unfulfilled).
10) SAN FRANCISCO 49ers (Record: 7-9)
The Niners will likely take whatever they can get at this spot, going after the highest available offensive tackle. If given a choice San Fran would love to improve on their QB situation (they’re really showing a shocking lack of confidence in the 3-headed monster that is Shaun Hill, Alex Smith and Damon Huard), but there is no way a top QB prospect is falling to the ten spot. Besides, even if one did, they’d just mess it all up by grilling the guy on his parents’ divorce
One Wish: That Jeff Garcia “accidentally” wanders across the bay from Oakland and makes his way onto the Niners’ roster.