General Sports MLB NFL Olympics

What they really said…

Too many times in sports, we as the fans get a raw deal on what we’re told. We get to hear what the players and coaches have to say, but in a censored version. What they say on TV or in an article isn’t necessarily what they really say behind closed doors.
Lucky for you though, I was able to obtain an all-access pass to last week’s biggest events and happenings in sports (because that’s the kind of thing you can obtain fairly easily when you are a fake journalist). I got to conduct private interviews and attend private tapings under the guise that they wouldn’t be shared with the public. But thanks to my complete lack of any standing credibility, I can share them with you anyway! So for your reading enjoyment, here is the first installment of “What they really said.”

A-Rod isn’t even bothered by the whole A-Fraud mess
“Look, I’m sure Joe Torre had his reasons for saying what he said. Maybe it was money, maybe it was attention, maybe it’s his irrepressible jealousy that I have killer pecs and he’s sporting saggy, sandbag man-boobies. Who knows? The bottom line is I know my teammates, and I know the relationships I have with them. Whatever they call me I don’t care, it’s all in good fun. They can call me A-Rod, or A-Fraud, or A-close personal friend of Derek Jeter’s. It really doesn’t matter to me… although I am somewhat partial to that last one if you want to use it.”

Michael Phelps on his infamous bong photo
“I regrettably admit the person in that photo was, in fact, me.  When it comes down to it I guess it all goes back to who I surround myself with. I mean, being that I am a swimmer, I’ve had some bad influences over my shoulder for quite sometime now. Every time I go to the pool he’s all ‘Don’t forget to bring me.’ And every time I get out of the pool all wet he’s like ‘Don’t forget to use me.’ And every time five minutes passes he’s all like ‘You wanna get high?’. So learn from me young swimmers, beware of this shady character (File Photo here). Don’t get caught up like I did. Dope is for dopes!”

Roger Clemens on the publicizing of his hot ball liniment and tainted syringes
“Who among you can say you have never had blazing hot liniment rubbed on your testicles by another man? And which of you can step down off your pedestal and admit he has received mystery injections in his buttocks. So I will ask this of the good people of the jury at my inevitable perjury trial: ‘Could not a DNA sample have been unknowingly obtained from my ass cheek, whilst I was distracted by the unimaginable, scorching pain in my ball bag?’… I rest my case.”

Barry Bonds on his pee testing positive for steroids
“They still have my piss test from 2003?! Ewwwwwww. Where the hell have they been keeping these things? Is there some kind of secret government pee silo that stores all of the athlete’s tests from the last ten years or something? Because if so, I may just have to indict you U.S. government, on charges of being gross and creepy in the 1st degree.”

Santonio Holmes on being the Super Bowl MVP
“It really means the world to me. How it feels to know that a kid like me who grew up selling drugs on the streets could change his life so drastically and make the winning catch in an amazing Super Bowl is indescribable. And what am I going to do now? Well I know I said it on the commercial but I’m sure as hell not going to Disney World. And you know what else I’m not going to do? I’m not going to parlay my Super Bowl hero status into a self-inflicted gun wound and public humiliation next season. None of that. I’m just gonna head home, dial up my boys Towelie and Phelps and party it up with my very own ‘chronic end zone’ grass!”

The missing 2 minutes of the “Joe Torre on Larry King Live” transcript
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book “The Yankee Years.” Joe, great to have you.
Joe: Great to be here Larry.
Larry: Huh?
Joe: I said great to be here.
Larry: No, I didn’t forget to take my pills!
Joe: What?
Larry: You heard it here first folks, Joe Torre hates babies!
(Bottom of the screen reads- Torre on babies: “I just want to punch them”)
Joe (confused): What the hell is this?!
Larry: So what put this hate in your heart Joe? What exactly did the babies ever do to you?
Joe (to producer): What is going on here?! Is he okay?
(Producer runs on set, tilts Larry’s head back and shoves a handful of pills down his throat)
(Long pause)
Larry: My guest tonight is Joe Torre, here to discuss his new book “The Yankee Years.” Joe, great to have you.
Joe: ……….

By teekay

Tom Kelly is a born and raised New Yorker and a huge sports fan. Yankee baseball and UNC basketball consume the majority of his time, while sleep and meals fill in the short blanks. He writes a daily morning segment for SportsNet New York's humor blog "The Nooner," along with doing his own independent writing on the side. He feels comfortable always answering the question "What's on TV tonight?" with "The game," and Joe Buck and Tim McCarver are the bane of his existence.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *