True story: Early fall of 1990, I was anxiously awaiting for my very first day of Kindergarten. My mom had picked out my clothes the night before; nothing too catchy, just a conservative yellow polo complemented by plaid shorts that barely reached my mid thigh. My blue and white Velcro shoes were strapped up tight and I was ready to go. I have had all summer to practice the ABC’s, touch up on my artwork, and re-read the ever so challenging rules of kickball. My dad took dozens of pictures of me and I stood there smiling, completely oblivious, not knowing that these photos would come back to haunt me at numerous family reunions and neighborhood get-togethers. My book bag was zipped up and I skipped outside and waited for the big yellow bus to come pick me up and take me to school. And I waited. And I waited some more. Nothing. I sat down to wait a little longer. Still nothing. It was my first day of school, and my bus had forgotten to pick me up.
By now, most of you are wondering why I am telling this story. For one, it’s damn sad and may increase my chances of getting sympathy from numerous amounts of females. But this is not my main objective. My goal is to explain the similarity between my first day of school, with the first few weeks of the regular season for teams like the Rams, Bengals, Browns, Chiefs and Lions.
Let’s start with the St. Louis Rams. They obviously missed the bus. In fact, they weren’t even close. After 3 weeks, they are on pace statistically to being the worst team ever. Ever. I know were not even through four weeks in the NFL season yet, but that fact alone is pretty sad to our friends in St. Louis . This team is just a few years removed from being the greatest show on turf. Now they aren’t even worth watching. Marc Bulger, Torry Holt, Stephen Jackson- this team has weapons on paper, but they can’t even put points on the board. It has become so pitiful that they have resorted to calling in Trent Green, the walking concussion, to replace Bulger. Through three weeks the Rams have allowed 106 points. Why does this defensive coordinator still have a job?
Why don’t we move slightly east to Ohio where we can kill two birds with one stone, as they say. The Bengals, like the Rams, look good on paper, at least offensively. Carson Palmer is supposed to be a Pro Bowl quarterback, but through three weeks, has thrown just one touchdown. TJ Houshmanzadeh finally broke out against the Giants last week, but Chad Ocho Stinko hasn’t seen the end-zone once this year. Shit, he hasn’t seen the red-zone once this year. The defense is obviously in a rebuilding mode, but this team has the tools to still keep games close with the offense they put on the field. They took the Super Bowl champs into OT last week, so we will let them off the hook a little bit.
The bus missed yet another stop down in Cleveland , where the Browns 0-3 start has left the Dog Pound in confusion. Derrek Anderson played so well last year, that he put an end to the Brady Quinn calls in Cleveland . He has played so bad this year, that he has started the Quinn calls again. And for God’s sake Braylon Edwards, catch the god damn ball. With every pass you drop, the more and more fantasy points I lose. Think about the money you’re losing me next time a ball slips out of your grasp.
Now starting three quarterbacks in three weeks is an accomplishment in itself, but losing to the Raiders has to be even harder. It’s like the Kansas City Chiefs are trying to lose. Larry Johnson won’t stop bitching about getting the ball. Get real LJ. Why would the offensive coordinator hand you the ball when he has a sure-fire hall of famer in Tyler Thigpen throwin’ the ball. On a serious note, the Cheifs are in desperate need of a starting quarterback. Once they have that, they can focus on the rest of their troubles.
Of course I will save the best for last, the Detroit Lions. In a city where their sports teams are known for winning, the Lions just don’t seem to fit in. The Detroit Lions sideline looks more like an episode of Jerry Springer with Jon Kitna blaming everyone else for his interceptions, offensive lineman pointing fingers, and the coaching staff in shambles. Through three games, the Lions have been down 21-0 three times. Talk about digging yourself a hole. Matt Millen finally got fired a few days ago, even though the rest of the world knew he should have been fired when he named Joey Harrington the team’s starting quarterback. Detroit will probably earn themselves another high first round draft pick where they will inevitably spend it on yet another wide receiver. Don’t you get it? You have good wide receivers. It’s the other areas you need to focus on!
So there you have it, five teams that really need to hop on the bus and get their first W of the season. Hey, look on the bright side, it’s only week four. That means 13 more games to prove you aren’t the laughing stock of the NFL. But just remember, if you do get that first win and the bus comes to pick you up, take a seat in the front; because you know the Cowboys, Giants, Titans, and Broncos will be waiting for you in the back.