MLB General

The Other Dark Knight

Economic struggles are hitting Americans hard – even the rich ones.  There are millionaires out there who now only have six houses to go home to at night – and worst of all, some of them are unemployed too!Will Work For Love

While the unemployment pool is still filled with the typical suspects – your homeless bums, streetside prostitutes, and “artists” – there’s quickly becoming a new class of jobless folk.

Some of the members of this group are indeed minorities, but please – try to to look beyond their color (and the size of their wallets) to find the true injustice that is being done.  Lord knows they can’t help themselves.

We shall focus on the case of one African-American male in particular, who has been looking for work (and a friend) since last September.  Some say employers are discriminating against him because of age and lack of mobility, while others are admitting that his character flaws simply make him an unworthy candidate for hire.

And if the trend continues, there’s a good chance Barry Bonds will soon be mowing your neighbor’s lawn or spitting on your Big Mac – because practically every major league team has made it very clear that there is no room on their roster for him or his ego.

At his age, it’s hard to believe Bonds could ever play regularly in the field, which means any National League squad (even the D-Backs and their anemic offense) would be foolish to offer him a contract.  On the other hand, you could easily see his ridiculous on-base percentage helping out one of the several AL teams looking for a bat after the trading deadline.

Yet we’re almost to August and Barry Bonds is still jobless.  Rumors have popped up, but there seems to be a consensus among baseball people that Barry Bonds and the plague that he carries behind him do not belong in the game of baseball any longer.  If Bonds needs to gauge how unwanted he really is – just look at the Yankees.  They had a chance to pick him up, but instead opted for the .200 hitting giant Richie Sexson and a guy named Xavier.

A New Beginning

So since it looks like the 2008 baseball season will proceed without Mr. Bonds, let’s move on and explore other potential employment opportunities.

As we said, he could go into landscaping or fast food – but face it, this is Barry Bonds and he’s not a burger flipper.  This man was meant to shine (and inject), and if he won’t be allowed to shine in baseball – I say he moves to the next best thing: Hollywood.

Bonds has an expensive lifestyle to keep up, so it only makes sense to shoot for the top of the movie industry.  The Dark Knight broke records by grossing over $150 million in its opening weekend – and more Batman sequels are surely on the way, giving Bonds a chance to break into the business and start a successful acting career.

Seriously – could there be a better superhero villain than Barry Bonds?

He’s perfect for the part.  America already has great disdain for him, he’s not particularly likable at all, and he’s got a shady past which would make a terrific backstory.

The Black DiCaprio

The great thing about superhero comic books is that the list of evil/crazy/murderous villains is endless.  The Dark Knight used up two of Batman’s most intriguing foes – The Joker and Two-Face – but don’t worry, there are plenty of potential characters for Barry Bonds to bring to life.

My only gripe with the latest Batman movie was that I spent most of the film waiting to find out that The Joker had killed Bruce Wayne’s parents and randomly inspired Bruce to get intimate with bats.  But that revelation never came, and now I know why – Tim Burton made it up.

Burton added that twist to the plot of his original Batman flick, but research shows that, in the original Batman comic books, the Wayne’s were actually murdered by an icy fellow named Joe Chill.

I’m not sure whether the Batman comic books portrayed this Joe Chill dude as a bald negro man, but Barry Bonds seems to be a viable candidate for the role – if only for the fact that he’s easy to hate.

Then again – I would have to hesitate to build a movie around Bonds playing a killer, because while he and Joe Chill probably share many of the same character traits (extreme anger, lack of respect for elders, venomous veins, etc.), Barry Bonds is still not a murderer (although he did essentially kill Pedro Gomez).

So what then?  Is Barry’s Hollywood career over before it even began?

Don’t worry just yet – for there is another Batman role which Barry was practically born to play.

He’s not a well-known nemesis of The Caped Crusader, but the story behind the villain Blockbuster is rather interesting.  You see – there was a Gotham City chemist named Roland Desmond, who turned bad when he did some experiments on himself and gained Hulk-sized muscles and super-strength.

Okay, but there are a lot of actors with big muscles.  What makes Barry Bonds and his shriveled testicles so right for the part?

Well, it’s all in the way Blockbuster got his superhuman strength.  I hadn’t mentioned the fact that his body mutated when he injected himself with experimental steroids.


Will You Be My Robin?

Maybe I’ve figured it out.  Maybe the way for baseball to shed the steroid stigma is to have the most prominent juicers get on the big screen, profess their crimes, and then get the crap beaten out of them by Batman.  Imagine the possibilities.

Surely the Nolan brothers are planning on using The Riddler in an upcoming sequel.  Batman geeks have thrown out suggestions for what famous actors should play the villain obsessed with riddles and question marks – but what about Mark McGwire?

However, anyone who’s seen the tape of that congressional hearing on steroid knows that McGwire is deathly afraid of questions.  Plus Mark always seemed like a nice guy – and The Riddler has to be an annoying pest who never goes away or shuts up – and also someone who would make a perfect sidekick to Barry Bonds . . .

Coming in 2010 – Batman III, Batman vs. Steroids.  Starring Christian Bale, Barry Bonds, and Roger Clemens.

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