By David J. Cohen
I’ve been watching sports for many years and every once in a while, you’ll hear something that makes you chuckle. Most weeks in sports are exciting but as far as the giggles go its rather mild. This week has been a firestorm full of madness. Hilarity ensues…1. Brett Favre. The never ending mini-series on Fox News. Favre used to be a gunslinger on the field; now he’s dodging bullets On the Record. There were three parts to this interview. That’s absurd. The whole interview should’ve been two questions: 1) Are you coming back, and 2) Will you play for the Packers? That doesn’t take THREE days!
Coming up tomorrow on Greta: Favre goes fishing but they aren’t biting: Is it the Packers fault?
2. Fox News. As if the Favre trilogy isn’t enough the show Fox and Friends is airing a three part interview with David Beckham. Now they’re really digging deep into the American conscience. I thought Fox News was supposed to cover, well, NEWS! Were they replaced by Fox Sports? I didn’t get the memo. It’s not as if there’s nothing important going on in America right now.
3. Matt Jones’s daddy defense. Jones was caught with the coke in his hand. He wasn’t doing a soda commercial. Jones has kept his mouth shut since the arrest but his father has taken up the cause.
Poppa Jones: “We want to make it clear that Matt was not in possession of any drugs, but that there were drugs in the vehicle and were located in the closest proximity to Matt. He does not claim any responsibility for the drugs.”
“There were drugs…located in the closest proximity to Matt”. OH REALLY! They were right under his nose! Did he fumble the credit card?
The cops, and apparently Matt, saw things differently:
Jones was spotted in the backseat of a Toyota 4Runner when an officer on foot patrol saw him with a “white powdery substance and in his hand, a credit card that he was using to chop up and scrape the powder.”
When asked by the officer if the powder was cocaine, Jones said, “Yes.”
If Matt takes his father’s account of events, this will be his plea in court:
Prosecution: Mr. Jones, were the drugs in the vehicle in question purchased for or by you?
Mr. Jones: No.
Judge: Then what were you doing?
Mr. Jones: “Trust me your honor, I was just trying to clean the stuff off my credit card and my hands were tied.”
4. Clemens undone by TV. Kurt Radomski was doing some housecleaning when he lifted an old television and found an envelope. The envelope had receipts of HGH shipments en route to the Rocket. This story is as believable as the needles hoarded away in McNamee’s closet. At this point Clemens should just come out and say it:
“I did not have inappropriate relations with those needles. Those allegations are false.”
5. A-Rod bails All-Star game to host a “party”. Guess he couldn’t wait to move on past Cynthia and the divorce, huh? Madonna was reportedly a no show, so I guess she’s more than just a material girl (I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist). Once again A-Rod the airhead was off-base. Who in their right mind would go to an A-Rod function! That’s like inviting Michael Jackson on your family vacation to Disney World.
It turns out many people at A-Rod’s party waited for the game to end and then moon walked it over to Jeter’s bash. Not a hard decision. Mariah Carey or Madonna. It’s really a no-brainer.
6. Knicks v. Suns summer league. This has nothing to do with D’Antoni. The real story is D.J. Strawberry. Darryl’s son is playing against a New York team wearing orange and blue. They might as well call this game The Exorcist. The irony is killing his father; he’s calling Matt Jones for some sniff to get by the sniffles.
7. Starbury goes Tyson on his head. The soon to be ex-Knick was in Vegas the other day and showed off his shiny new head. There’s a star tattoo on his head that just so happens to be the logo of his shoe company. It’s an interesting take on marketing. It also just so happens his company has filed for bankruptcy protection. I guess his company mirrors his on-court performance. In between fights with Isiah on team flights, I guess he overlooked financial success rule numero uno:
Never imitate Mike Tyson.
8. The NFC North. I think it’s great that one team in this division can say “Brett’s not our quarterback, while another team in this division has to say “Rex is our quarterback.”
9. Rick Reilly during the Home Run Derby. No one at ESPN caught it, but he had the comment of the night during Grady Sizemore’s first round. As one of Sizemore’s hits was going into the stands Reilly wasn’t called on by the crew for a comment and didn’t realize his mic was live. He said the following:
“Look at those steroids go!”
Everyone acted like it didn’t happen. My jaw dropped. Then it started shaking. Then I rolled over in pain.
10. Packers accuse Vikings of tampering. The Packers have filed a grievance against the Vikings for tampering with their well-handled Brett Favre situation. They claim Vikings Offensive Coordinator Darrell Bevell and maybe even Head Coach Brad Childress had “inappropriate dialogue” with Favre. What does that mean?
Darrell Bevell & Brad Childress: “So Brett, what are you wearing?”
Since retired people count now, the NFL has taken action. They have filed a grievance against former head coach Jim Mora for tampering with the playoffs.
Mora’s response: YOU KIDDIN’ ME!
There are also a few grievances that have been filed under the table:
The Jets have filed a grievance against the wind for tampering with Chad Pennington.
Bill Belichick has filed a grievance against Eric Mangini for tampering with “the dark side”.
ESPN has filed a grievance against Fox News for stealing their Sunday Conversation and making it their Monday conversation, Tuesday conversation, Wednesday conversation…
11. Phil Mickelson’s “game plan”. With Tiger out of the way, Phil would have no competition in his diligent quest of winning another major. This was his quote before the tournament:
“I am working hard to get my game ready for this week, and I’ve practiced hard. I’ve developed a good game plan for this event, and I am excited to compete against whoever is in the field.”
Apparently Phil’s plan was to get out of England as quick as possible so he can check in on Tiger’s progress. Phil forgot that golf isn’t football. His game plan has too many plays: Rough, Deep Rough, Bunker, 3-Putt, Big Tree, Tiger Hail Mary. Tiger has just one play: Ball in Hole.
Golf at heart really is a simple concept.
12. Rocco Part 2. After the first round of the British Open, Rocco Mediate is leading again. And this time there’s no Tiger to come after him. Or Phil. Or Ernie. Or Vijay. When Rocco was asked about being in the lead, this is what he said:
“I have no explanation for that whatsoever. No idea why that happened.”
This is Rocco’s Modern Life. It’s the only good show now running on the PGA Tour.
13. Chris Henry wants back in Cincinnati. Because of a favorable court decision, Chris Henry might play in the NFL next year. Any sane person would realize that once you repeatedly violate a code of conduct with your employer and they let you go, you can’t come back. Not Chris Henry. The guy who was once arrested for throwing D’s at Mckie D’s wants to come back to the orange and black, which is coincidentally the colors and letters many prison inmates wear:
“Going back to the Bengals is possible. I wouldn’t mind it happening because I loved playing in Cincinnati. I got real close with all the guys out there and I planned on being out there for a long time.”
Chris Henry is clueless. Somewhere I see Herm Edwards going “Dat-dat-dat, hello? Dat-dat-dat, hello? Dat-dat-dat, dat-dat-dat.
If he was really planning to stay with the Bengals, he could’ve at least made sure the police didn’t have him on speed dial. And looking at the Bengals and the model behavior of their citizens, there’s no way Henry could possibly think he can come back.
If he’s reinstated I’d put ten bucks on him going to Dallas. They’re actively looking for another veteran receiver. They already brought in the “Pacman” and the Tank, so why wouldn’t they bring in another “model citizen”. Then we could have this great Vegas prop once training camp starts:
Which Dallas Cowboy will be arrested first?
Adam “Pacman” Jones: 4-1
Chris “Model Citizen” Henry: 2-1
Tank Johnson: 10-1
Tony Romeo: 100-1
Terrell “Get Yo’ Popcorn” Owens: 35-1
Michael Irvin: 1-2
There won’t be another week like this for a long, long time.
2 replies on “The NFL- NBA- MLB- and Even (gasp) Golf: The Wackiest Week in Recent Memory”
Spelling I liked the article (and voted positively for it) but I thought I should let you know that “envelope” is spelled incorrectly. Good article though.
spelling/humor I always get ripped on for the slightest grammatical error, so I have to say it: what’s an envelop?
also, this appears to be a humor based piece, and if that’s the case, it was overall a failure.
on the other hand, you’re picked the right side of nearly all of the arguments, and brought some significant ridiculous news to the rest of our attention.
the only problem was you were trying a little too hard to sell the humor side, at least for my taste.
it just wasn’t a hit with me, not 100%, anyways.